Lawrence M. Drake II - Color Him Father

Color Him Father 2019 By Lawrence M. Drake II

Brown Girls Books, LLC

www.BrownGirlsBooks.com

ISBN: 978-1-944359-81-2 (Digital)

978-1-944359-82-9 (Print)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means including electronic, mechanical or photocopying or stored in a retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages to be included in a review.

First Brown Girls Books LLC trade printing

Manufactured in the United States of America

TABLE OF CONTENTS

DEDICATION

This collective of seven black fathers has over the last year been one of the most amazing experiences I ve ever had. I say this because of these incredibly brave and strong brothers who committed their whole self to telling their stories and reliving the experience of losing their children. This was and is, hard! Throughout we not only found a safe space for us to share, but we found friends to share our stories.

This project began in part because I knew ten black fathers who had lost a child, which means I knew all of these men and save one, all were my personal friends or relatives. Most all of them did not know each other, but the project has brought them together and given them a relationship they never expected to find, but will have forever!

And then there were those whose personal lives were intersected by this project and who were motivated to be a part of it because something in this work activated a part of their soul, which is a place many of us don t often go. silent, but very important black men who were part of our focus group research, were instrumental in helping us shape this project. The women. The black mothers, wives, sisters who joined in with us and there are two ladies I call the Wow Sisters! They are the amazing owners of Brown Girls Books, a black publishing firm led by women who are award-winning authors themselves and understood my motivation to write this book.

As you might expect, a number of strong black women contributed significantly to this such as my publicist, as well as my terrifically talented coordinator and project management folks. That team included an extremely gifted young entrepreneur and his crew, who serves as our media consultant, photographer, and videographer.

We would also be remiss if we didn t acknowledge each of the families of our collective of black fathers whose support matters and who have cheered us on as the project has unfolded.

To all who have been spent time, both on the phone and in person, we all have come to realize that the bond and the way our hearts are now knitted together is unbreakable!

We hope when you close the last page of this book, it will open the gate to a movement that is determined to celebrate black fatherhood and counter the negative voices that plague our culture. Further, this is only the beginning of the work this collective group of black fathers will do. We are aware now more than ever, that we must encourage ourselves and others who look like us to be the fathers our children believe we are and the fathers we want to be. This can be done!

Much love to our children who still inspire us: Kia , Christa, Marla, Donovan, David Jr., Ron Jr, and the twins James and Jenene, we are forever grateful and so proud to be your fathers. You have and continue to make our lives colorful and hopeful. You will never leave us! We will always celebrate each of you with the world! You are truly the gifts that keep on giving!

Lawrence M. Drake II

INTRODUCTION

In July of 2017, I experienced the most excruciating pain I could ever conceive, the loss of my daughter Kia Nichol Drake at 41 years old. In my time of desperation to make sense of this loss, I searched for books or other literature that might provide perspective and even comfort. More acutely, as an African-American father, I wanted to feel I was not alone in this moment.

But, despite having a Ph.D. in psychology and having more than a passing knowledge of books and articles about the stages of grief, nowhere in all the literature I read was there something that made me feel felt or touched me where it hurt most ..... my soul!

In a society where African-American fathers are seemingly an oxymoron, its no wonder there was no message that touched me as both a black man and more specifically a Black father at the center of my open wound! It occurred to me that there were probably many just like me who could not find a voice of guidance that met us as Black Fathers right where we were/are during this time of enormous loss

Losing a child blurs the vision of the world you thought existed and frankly, the world as you know it. While it has been sobering at times to know that your child can no longer actively participate in shaping the world, there has been a realization since her day of transition, that these wonderful human treasures who are our children have already etched their mark on the hearts and lives of those they have touched - both deliberately and in ways they may not have ever known.

The deeply personal narratives of these men are meant not to mourn the lives of these amazing human beings, but to celebrate who they are and forever will be. Their light shines through the stories of their fathers whose lenses are unique and embody the experiential depth that only they can apply to the stories they tell.

Each chapter will share not only precious memories, but compel the reader to smile, laugh, cry and reflect on the life lived through each fathers lens in their own voice, emphasizing how these lives have and will, continue to impact those who remain.

Kia Nichol Drake

and her father

Lawrence (Larry) M. Drake, II

A prayer of thanksgiving to God for the precious gift you allowed me to hold onto, hug, protect and love on this side for 41 years. A heartfelt acknowledgement to her mom and the incredible miracle and sacrifice that is the process of childbearing and motherhood.

#gratefultobeKiasfather

My daughter, Kia Nichol Drake was my little girl. She was my little girl the day she was born, and she remains that in my eyes, my heart and my soul to this moment and forevermore. She is my little girl and a light in my life. Really, she was a light that shined not only for me, but for everyone who ever came in contact with her. No, she wasnt perfect. Yes, she crammed the proverbial fifteen pounds of stuff into the five pounds of physical time she was given on this side. But, she was the light of just about every celebration she attended, from arrival to departure, and this celebration of her life will be no different.

I can recall so many Kia moments, the things that made me laugh cry, fuss, and yes, swell up with pride! Celebrating her is not difficult! What is challenging is choosing which Kia moments to share.

Throughout, you will hear me refer to her often in the present tense. I do so because Kia is here and not gone. She will always be here with me/us. Each time I utter her sons name, Keaton or Kea-Ton (accent on the first and second syllable) I hear her voice and see her smile.

If I d known it was going to be this way with Kia, I wouldve been more joyful at the news that I was going to be a father for the first time. Back when my then-wife told me she was pregnant, we werent in the best of circumstances. I was a senior in college and yes, we were married, but we had made a practical and logical decision (based primarily on our finances) to wait until Id graduated before we had children.