June - Now my heart is full: a memoir
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- Year:2018
- City:New York
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Praise for Laura Junes Now My Heart Is Full
Sometimes, a book swells into something far lovelier than you assume it will be. Laura Junes warm and moving Now My Heart Is Full is one such unforgettable book. What seems like a straightforward memoir about motherhood slowly, carefully, becomes so much more. This is the story of how the daughter of an alcoholic mother becomes a motherless mother and reconciles the ways she was loved, the ways she was hurt, and how the birth of her own daughter allowed her heart to finally grow full. There is no maudlin sentimentality here. Instead, Laura June writes with wit and melancholy, unabashed joy and tenderness. Imagine my surprise, when I reached the end, and found myself in tears.
Roxane Gay, New York Times bestselling author of Hunger
Is there any more formative bond than the one between mother and daughter? Laura Junes heartbreaking but ultimately hopeful memoir intertwines the story of her daughters birth with an insightful and forgiving account of her own mothers alcoholism and their complex relationship. A moving, beautiful exploration of what it means to loveand let go.
Julie Buntin, author of Marlena
Laura Junes writing is affecting, clear-eyed, and honest. Her ambivalence toward many of lifes biggest milestones is particularly refreshing in a culture that demands a womans every attention be paid to marriage and motherhood. But Now My Heart Is Full is not cynical, or cuttingrather, it is surprised by its own warmth and joy.
Katie Heaney, author of Never Have I Ever
Now My Heart Is Full explores in heartfelt prose how the familial ties that bond us are inevitably the ones that threaten to break usand the messy miracle of breaking them first. Laura June triumphs by resisting the inertia of inherited suffering and surrendering to the possibility of a boundless, unbreakable love.
Alana Massey, author of All the Lives I Want
PENGUIN BOOKS
NOW MY HEART IS FULL
Laura June was born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Her writing has appeared on The Awl, BuzzFeed, Jezebel, and The Outline, and in New York Magazine, Cosmopolitan, and The Washington Post. She was previously a staff writer at New York Magazines The Cut, and is a contributing writer at The Outline.
PENGUIN BOOKS
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York 10014
penguin.com
Copyright 2018 by Laura June Topolsky
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
Portions of Chapter 6 first appeared in different form on The Awl as Other Peoples Babies in 2014 and No Offense to Laura Ingalls Wilder in 2015. Portions of Chapter 20 first appeared in different form on The Cut (a website of New York Magazine) as Having a Daughter Helped Me Understand My Own Mother in 2015.
LIBRARY OF CON GRESS CATALOGING-IN- PUBLICATION DATA
Names: June, Laura, author.
Title: Now my heart is full: a memoir / Laura June.
Description: New York, New York : Penguin Books, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2018.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017042062 (print) | LCCN 2018016487 (ebook) | ISBN 9781524704698 (ebook) | ISBN 9780143130918 (paperback)
Subjects: LCSH: Motherhood. | Mothers and daughters. | June, LauraFamily. |
Autobiography. | LCGFT: Autobiographies.
Classification: LCC HQ759 (ebook) | LCC HQ759 .J85 2018 (print) | DDC
306.874/3dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017042062
Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the authors alone.
Cover design: Brianna Harden
Version_1
For Zelda June Topolsky,
Who insisted I use her full name.
And for Josh,
Who insisted.
No more sadness, I kiss it good-bye
The sun is bursting right out of the sky
I searched the whole world for someone like you
M ADONNA , T RUE B LUE , 1986
On a Tuesday in February of 2014, at 1:45 p.m., at the age of thirty-six, I became a mother for the first time, and my daughter became my daughter.
We named her Zelda June. She was born via Caesarean section in a scheduled, quick, and largely drama-free operation that lasted roughly a half hour from start to finish. I wouldnt exactly say it was painless, but it was close enough to painless that I still have trouble telling other women who have had children about the experience for fear that I will sound as though Im bragging. She has a high tolerance for pain, my husband, Josh, has interjected when I mention my easy recovery. As I sit here now, I can barely feel the scar she left on me. It is barely visible when I look at my body in the mirror.
Those moments there, when Zelda became Zelda and I became her mother, they washed away decades of ambivalence and fear, of random nightmares or missed opportunities and chances walked away from. Washed away were the babies I hadnt had, in the face of the one I did.
I was, like I said, thirty-six years old. Id been married for almost seven years and had lived in New York City for nine. I put off the pregnancy for as long as I could, telling myself I was too busy; there would be time later. But later was always later, and really, I was afraid; physically, emotionally, mentally, I feared pregnancy and motherhood. I didnt think too hard about it, and every six months or a year, Josh randomly brought it up and then just as quickly let it pass.
Should we have a baby, Laura? Id hear from the other room.
What do you want for dinner? Id ask, changing the subject. Wed talked about kids when we got engaged, when we got married: yes, Id say. Id like to have kids someday. Someday was off in the future. Someday, I could handle. But someday was stretched out for years as I put it off, put it off.
But then, in the middle of 2013, I changed my mind. Someday arrived.
I could tell you I had a change of heart, and I did. I could tell you that I was finally comfortable enough, finally felt financially stable enough, owned a house that had a spare bedroom; all of these things took years to fall into place. But really, I was also rather suddenly overcome with an everyday, very common desire: I wanted to be a mother, and I knew that it might take a while to become pregnant. At thirty-five, I thought, Well, better start trying, I guess.
And then I got pregnant almost immediately.
I confirmed my pregnancy with a test on my thirty-sixth birthday, and as I stood in the bathroom, with only a few moments before I opened the door and told my husband, I cried silently in the dark into a towel. I had only just decided, less than a month ago, that I wanted to have a baby, and now there I was, the wheels set in motion: the first step had been a success! I was pregnant. But still, I cried tears of cowardice, of anxiety, and of simple disbelief. Telling Josh, I knew, would set off the chain of events that would end in... well, the birth of a baby. I closed my eyes and breathed really deep. I reached behind me and hit the light switch. The bathroom was small, in the center of the second floor of our tiny (it was just eleven and a half feet wide) Brooklyn townhouse. I loved that bathroom, its claw-footed tub, but also the fact that it had no windows. When you turned off the light, you were in total darkness and quiet. It was the only place in the house where that was possible. I screamed into a towel. I didnt know how to feel. Id spent so long avoiding even thinking about if I wanted to have children, and then, after years of doing the same thing, I stopped. We decided: Yes, I said. I think we should have a baby.
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