John OBryan - A History of Weapons - Crossbows, Caltrops, Catapults & Lots of Other Things that Can Seriously Mess You Up

Crossbows, Caltrops, Catapults
& Lots of Other Things that
Can Seriously Mess You Up

by JOHN O BRYAN
illustrations by BARRY ORKIN

Text copyright 2013 by John OBryan.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced
in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

ISBN 978-1-4521-2420-9

Book and cover design by Neil Egan
Typesetting and additional design by Liam Flanagan
Illustrations by Barry Orkin

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com

I REMEMBER the events like they happened yesterday: some lady got kidnapped by an omnipotent space demon, and in order to rescue her, her space prince had to retrieve a magical multi-bladed throwing star from a dark, misty cave. The name of that movie was Krull , and I didnt give two shits about the rest of the plot. The weapon, on the other hand, was called the Glaive. It came with five rotating switchblades and could be steered by the users mind. I wanted one in the worst way.

But it was not to be. I would soon discover that the Krull throwing star was a Hollywood invention. The closest I could come was a three-inch shuriken that I convinced my mother to buy from a local weapons dealer (we lived in the rural South). I adored it and took it everywhere... until a Korean friend of our family told my mother that this throwing star could put someones eye out. It was quickly taken away.

Then came the BB gun, every boys first weapon. Mine was a fairly basic model. You could only pump it once, which meant it had limited power. But it packed enough punch to put holes in things like aluminum cans, particleboard, and my sisters ass. The BB gun was taken away from me, too.

Fast-forward 25 years, and what do we have? Me writing a book chock-full of every blade, club, and firearm ever to put a dimple on anyones sisters backside. Well, maybe not every single one. For the sake of my sanity, Ive had to prioritize. Every culture has a spear. Every culture has a bow and a dagger or saber or club of some kind. Some weapons didnt make the cut. The only weapons included are ones that I deemed interesting, unique, or important enough to take up book space. Remember this before you send me hate mail saying, You forgot all about the tree pangolin trap of the Baka Pygmy tribe!

Another thing I forgot is armor. This is a weapons book, and as such, it doesnt include entries on helmets, chain mail cuirasses, or any other protective clothing. The only shields you will find are ones that have a distinct offensive purpose, such as the Greek aspis or the crazier-than-batshit lantern shield. So if youre looking for A History of Armor , youll have to look elsewhere.

You will also notice that this book ends around the time of the Spanish-American War. There are two reasons for this: (1) I had to stop somewhere. And since every war of the 1900s has already been covered to death by Steven Spielberg and Oliver Stone, what more can I really add anyway? (2) The point of this book is to have fun engaging your inner geek, not to make light of someones tragedy. So I pussed out and decided not to cover Vietnam, nukes, or anything else thats too soon. (My apologies to any readers who lost loved ones in the Spanish-American Waryou must be really old!)

Rest assured, this book will still knock you all onto your collective ass. You will (hopefully) laugh, (probably) cry, and (God forbid) even learn a thing or two. In fact, people who read this book will undergo a transformation: Their IQs will increase by at least twenty points. They will automatically gain the ability to wield battle-axes. This book can also cause the reader to grow a second pair of testicles, except for women, who will grow their first pair.

EASE OF USE KEY

Less than - Easy! Even your cat could use it.

- Requires two opposable thumbs and as many brain cells

- Requires depth perception and practice

- Sophisticated weapon; wielder must spend some time in the dojo

- Only for masters

- Impossible; nobody but Bruce Lee and Batman could use it

5,000,0006000 BCE

O UR SPECIES has always been itching for a fight. Some say we started strangling each other with our fish fins as soon as we crawled out of the primordial ooze. It had to be that way. Without this instinct, we never would have made it out of the ooze in the first place. In fact, we humans (or something related to us) began murdering each other with weapons about five million years ago. We know this because weve observed chimpanzees using weapons, and theyre roughly five million years behind us on standardized tests.

So what caused these early prehominids to make the leap to murdering each other with hand tools? Well, put yourself inside the feeble mind of this early man-ape. Its the beginning of the Stone Age, so obviously there are very few resources (other than an inexplicable surplus of stone). You cant make anything. You cant talk. You cant even keep yourself from standing in your own feces. Youre not really out of apedom. Youre a scavenger, feeding on nuts, berries, dodo bird eggs, shellfish, and anything else you can pick out of the dirt. But youve been walking upright for a while now, and thats freed up your front limbs. Before long youll develop opposable thumbs, which allow you to pick up your feces before you step in it. Not only that, you can pick up lots of objects and throw them with greater dexterity. This opens up a whole new realm of possibilitiesthe realm of throwing things at people who piss you off . And boy, does it feel good!

ROCK We cant say for certain, but were pretty sure this was the original. The Grandmaster Flash of weapons. The first object ever used to crack a person over the head. After all, its heavy. Its hard. It fits in your hand perfectly. You havent yet mastered rock propulsion via sling or learned to sharpen the rock to form arrows or spears. You arent as fast, nimble, or strong as your would-be predators. But you do have something they dont: thumbs. This means you can find rocks and throw them with remarkable accuracy, sometimes even killing your target. Defending yourself against the more athletically gifted organisms is a fulltime job. And as if dealing with lions and bears werent enough, youve got to deal with competition from your fellow knuckle-draggers, who are constantly trying to steal your food (and your wife) while you sleep. But thanks to those opposable thumbs, you can use a rock to bash your adversarys skull when hes asleep and steal all of his nuts, berries, dodo bird eggs, and shellfish. Not only do you get to keep your wifeyou get to take his as well. Now your DNA will be passed down to the next generation of hominids, while your adversarys will not. And its all thanks to the rock.