Janet Devlin - My Confessional

B efore you descend down the rabbit hole that is my life, I must first make one thing clear: this book comes with one giant trigger warning. Although Ive tried to ensure this book never became a guide book for self-destruction, there were just some intimate details I couldnt leave out. They were reflective of the insanity I was living in and the hell I was putting myself through. I understand that I in no way have to share the things I am about to share with you. But I want to. For better or worse.

So, if you are in any way sensitive to explicit references about self-harm, eating disorders, bullying, alcohol abuse, sexual assault and mental health, I would put this book down.

For those of you who want to carry on with this collection of confessions, please believe me when I say everything works out in the end. I think.

This is my confessional

There are many things I must clarify before I start. Firstly, and most importantly, it is far too easy to blame parents when it comes to the realms of a child with addiction problems. Here and now, Im stating for the record that I had a gloriously happy childhood. I never wanted for anything. My parents, Patricia and Aquinas, made countless sacrifices to ensure that I received every best opportunity this world has to offer. Not only that, they gave me all the love I could ever need.

N either of my parents drank heavily or gambled with their lives in any way. They took my brothers Jason, Gavin and Aaron and me to church every weekend and ensured we spent quality time together as a family. They allowed me to pursue every hobby I ever wanted, provided private tuition when necessary and gave me the freedom to make my own decisions and allowed me to grow into my own person.

With all these blessings, neither of them could have prevented or have been prepared for me and my upside down brain. I had a very sheltered upbringing and for this Im very thankful. This may appear as though Im boasting about how swell my childhood and upbringing were, but Im just trying to express my gratitude to my parents for giving me the best start in life. I am loved and I love them.

Another preconceived idea that I wish to pre-emptively squash, before anyone suggests otherwise, is that my mental state throughout my teenage years was a consequence of my television appearance on The X Factor in 2011, at the age of 16. It would be simple to admit this as the truth, but it is not. My addictions were not a product of the show; my mental constitution was on a downhill trajectory long before as you will come to learn. I had been held in the arms of addictive and self-destructive behaviour many years prior. As much as I would like to use the excuse of child star as the catalyst to my issues, I cant. Truth be told, there is no one factor, moment or event in my life on which I can blame my past behaviour. Obviously, this leaves me with more questions than answers. I have always just been this way and it is of no fault of anyone elses actions nor my own.

An assumption, I find spoken publicly by those who have never met me is that my alcohol addiction is a by-product of the career path I have chosen. People have a false narrative of what the music industry is like. That the documentation of sex, drugs and rocknroll means this portrayal is true of everyone in the job. That the industry is riddled with only temptation and that its almost a rite of passage to fall victim to the nature of it all. Trust me, this isnt true. Though I am an addict, my working environment never fed my issues. I was lucky enough to surround myself not through choice but sheer luck with people who never did anything to excess. There were never any crazy after parties, no hangers-on offering me drugs or any sexual bartering for success. I know this may be true for some but thankfully that is not my story. No one ever pacified my destruction. I was only ever surrounded by people who wanted to help and ensure that I was as well as I could be. My management have had to pull me back from the edge of the ledge on numerous occasions but only to rescue me from myself. There have been many times that I wanted to jump out of the burning building that was my life but I was literally saved by my team, friends and family, fire fighting on my behalf, even when I would often reject their lifelines. If it werent for their love and support, I would not be here today. So, before you read on and potentially attempt to blame those around me, know that there is no sole cause or person to point the finger at. For years I pointed the finger at myself and that merely fed into a vicious cycle of self-hatred and justifications for how I could treat myself so badly. For years I truly believed I was a vile and horrible person who did not deserve any good in my life. That doesnt make me a bad person, I know that now. Im just a human being who made bad choices.

For the last few years, I have felt as though I have been living a lie. Or a double life at least. For when I tell people I dont drink, smoke, do drugs or sleep around they think that this is me being a very cautious adult. When the truth is, its from learning that I cant do those things. That my internal reward system is wired the other way around to most normal people and thats just the way I am. Marry this with cripplingly low self-esteem and social anxiety and you have a recipe for disaster. I understand that I in no way have to share the things I am about to share with you, but I want to. And I have wanted to for a long time. It is only now, with the release of Confessional, an album of which I am incredibly proud, and one that defines me as an artist, that I am ready for my fans to know all of the secrets I possess. The weight that has been lifted just from writing down my life is something Ill never fully be able to explain. To know that after this, I can openly talk about these issues I have kept hidden for so long, is truly freeing. For without the events that I have gone through in my life, I wouldnt be the person I am today. The person I once couldnt even look at in a mirror but can now love to the best of my ability. Trying my best to never take my life for granted when I almost lost it so many times. Im one of the lucky ones and though none of us make it out of this life alive, I know that Ive tried my hardest to live the best life I possibly can. To try and be present. To be a good daughter, a good friend and a good person. I may have lost myself countless times along the way, but I am finally the me I was always supposed to be.

I hope this book these confessions, my life reads as frank, and is as fascinating to read as it has been to live it.