Louise Pentland - MumLife: The Sunday Times Bestseller, Hilarious, honest, heartwarming Mrs Hinch

Also by Louise Pentland

Wilde Novels Trilogy

Wilde Like Me

Wilde About The Girl

Wilde Women

Published by Blink Publishing

80-81 Wimpole St,

Marylebone,

London W1G 9RE

www.blinkpublishing.co.uk

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Hardback 978-1-788-702-92-8

eBook 978-1-788-702-93-5

Audiobook 978-1-788-703-05-5

All rights reserved. No part of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or circulated in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

A CIP catalogue of this book is available from the British Library.

Designed by IDSUK (Data Connection) Ltd

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Copyright Louise Pentland, 2020

Louise Pentland has asserted her moral right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Every reasonable effort has been made to trace copyright holders of material reproduced in this book, but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to hear from them.

For each book sold Bonnier Books UK shall donate 1% of net receipts and Louise Pentland shall donate 100% of her royalties to the NSPCC.

To my darling mum in heaven,
I did it xxx

Contents

Introduction

Aloha!

The Diet Coke is chilled, Ive opened a packet of bourbon biscuits, the fairy lights are twinkling and the sofa cushions are plumped. Welcome. Come on in, the waters fine. Its just you, me and a whole book ahead of us, yasssss. Thanks so much for choosing to join me, I cant wait to share my story with you. I could just skip this introduction chapter and crack straight on, but first impressions count, dont they? You may know me already and be one of my beloved Oldie But Goldies, but it would be rude to assume so. Particularly as this book could have been gifted to you by a (discerning) present giver and you might be thinking, Who IS she? said in that same tone Nikki Grahame did on Big Brother in 2006. (Anyone else say that all the time and feel a bit pleased when someone gets it?)

I should introduce myself properly. My name is Louise Pentland and I am a businesswoman, bestselling author, a creator of online content and keen cat lady. Not crazy cat lady, just keen. Most importantly, I am a mother. Thats the only title I have ever really wanted. Except maybe princess too.

Being a mummy was my main goal of adulthood. Goodness knows why, because, as you will learn, I did not have the sort of blissful, fairytale upbringing that would make me think, This is all so brilliant! I must repeat it as soon as I am a grown-up! The opposite, in fact: I had a sad, difficult childhood and when longed-for first-time motherhood came, it was very far from what I expected.

Dont worry though, I promise this story isnt all doom and gloom. Admittedly, it does have heartbreak, death, betrayal, divorce and depression but it also has love, hope, trust, hilarity, sass and sex (ooh-er). So, you know, something for everyone. Did I mention the sex? Let me tell you, I kissed ALL the frogs. Dad, I hope youre not reading this.

This book has been sitting around in my dusty subconscious and journals for years. From the early days of my blog, Sprinkle of Glitter, one of the things I loved to write about most was being a mummy. This developed with my progression into vlogging and I found a safe place to talk about the highs and lows of being a mum. I could lend a sympathetic ear to others, ask for advice in return and, for all the positive life experience I could share, there were always the fails to report back on too. I became the number one parenting vlogger in the country. Which is a lovely accolade to have but makes it sound like I know what I am talking about. Let me just say right now, on one of the very first pages I dont. Im not a parenting expert in any way. Im just a woman who pushed two humans out of her nether regions and shared it with the world! Its both marvellous and terrifying that you can make a career out of that these days. Eep!

There are several reasons behind my decision to write this book. The first one, slightly selfishly, is for me. Finally, from a place of happiness and safety, I have looked my life full in the face, laid bare my childhood and investigated what motherhood means to me. How much do I know? (Maybe I shouldnt have admitted back there that Im not an expert.) Who am I and how much of me as a parent and woman has been shaped by my past experiences? Did Mum dying affect my own ability to be a mum? Did my divorce ruin my daughters life? Should I keep the pink hair or go back to blonde? All the big questions here, my friends.

As you can imagine, the entire process has been emotional and liberating in equal measure. There were days when I couldnt face the chapter I was working on, questioned my motivation to share my story and struggled to find the words to articulate what was all stored up in my head. A lot of the rubbish bits of my life, as a coping measure, I guess, have been all scrunched up into little boxes and tucked away right at the very back. To put all those thoughts onto paper, Ive had to trek back there, find that box, open it, look at it and then tell you about it. Sometimes thats been really lovely but often its been quite brutal. Theres a reason those things were packed away so tight.

There were also days when I laughed a lot as I was writing, thought about my lovely mum, my glorious girls and my dependency on rude words. Honestly, I think the biggest challenge here has been to find other words for f**cking and s**t. I dont even know if my editor will allow the starred-out versions here but lets try and sneak them in, haha! There have been big feelings, big moments and big sharing. Its warts and all. (NB: I dont actually have warts, its just a saying.)

Spoiler alert. In case you didnt already know, my mother died early on in my life. She is the fairy godmother of my tale a kind, loving presence who left far too soon but continues to be the driving force behind everything I do. I hope I have caught her spirit and energy between these pages, like colouring in the outline of a memory and ensuring it is preserved forever. She is a big part of who I am, probably more significant in my life by her absence than she might have been if she was still here. I wont ever know that for sure, but I do know she would have approved of my crafting obsession and maybe told me off for my filthy language (my dad certainly does).

I worry that when I mention my mum and any of the sad things in this book, that the mood will drop. Like the scene in the original Mary Poppins film, where Mary (played exquisitely by Julie Andrews) and Bert (the wonderful Dick Van Dyke) take the children to tea at Uncle Alberts. Albert has a special trick laughter makes him float with happiness and they all join in, sending them up to the ceiling, table of tea things and all. To bring them back down to earth, they think of sad things. I often turn to the LOLs to keep me buoyant when things are getting a bit bleak. Thats one of my life mottos: humour always helps. We can all be a bit more Uncle Albert. Please dont take offence at my occasionally very dark sense of humour. Its sort of a Gotta laugh or youll cry kinda deal. I never mean it with malice, its a coping mechanism.