Finlay Games - Top to Bottom: A Memoir and Personal Guide Through Phalloplasty

1. Preface

Top To
Bottom

A Memoir and Personal Guide
Through Phalloplasty

Finlay Games

Preface

This entire book is about my penis. This is my story of going through lower surgery, specifically phalloplasty, and the adventures I have had with my changing genitals along the way. You may be wondering why my penis needs an entire book. Why didnt I just write my transgender memoir in its entirety, from start to finish, and include my lower surgery process in that? It is a valid question.

When I started my phalloplasty journey, I decided that I would document my experiences. There was little first-hand information available and I wanted to bridge that gap. As I began to share my honest experiences on my YouTube channel and blog, it became clear that people were crying out for the information. I decided then, to take things a step further and turn my documentation into a book. My aim was to write the kind of book I wished Id had access to when I started my journey.

I wanted to address the lack of information about lower surgery, and address some of the myths that still exist. I avoided even thinking about lower surgery for years because of the horror stories I had heard. There was no end of tales of surgical complications and penises with a Frankenstein appearance. Then, when I discovered that successful surgery and an aesthetically pleasing penis was possible, the lack of information was a huge barrier to making informed choices.

When I began my lower surgery journey, few people were sharing openly about their experiences. I could find some statistics and medical information, but what I lacked were honest experiences from trans people who had gone through the surgery process. As I tentatively began my journey, the lack of information made it difficult to make decisions. The lack of information also made it difficult to know what to look out for during the healing process. Therefore, I decided I wanted to share my journey in detail, so that I might be a source of reference, support and guidance for others on their lower surgery journey.

The second reason my penis needed an entire book was because the process of lower surgery is far more than just a physical one. For me, phalloplasty didnt just involve a process of surgery and physical recovery; it was also a process of emotional growth and healing. Whilst my entire transition has changed my life, it was the arrival of my penis which really changed everything.

With the arrival of my penis, I began to heal from a lifetime of sexual confusion. I began to feel embodied for the first time. I began to enjoy my body in the hands of others. My penis also helped me to realize and come to terms with the fact that my main sexual attraction is towards men. Being embodied and finding my sexual self has played a huge part in overcoming my dysphoria. The lowering of dysphoria has in turn helped me to better manage the mental health issues that I have lived with all my life. In a body that outwardly reflects the truth of who I am, I have felt at home for the first time. This internal safe space has made it possible to do the healing that I could not access before I had lower surgery. Therefore to do this journey justice, the experience needed to be captured in its own book, separate from the rest of my transition.

However, it is important to note that the fact that I have dedicated an entire book to my penis does not mean that lower surgery is the most important part of the transgender journey. Phalloplasty was a significant part of my journey to wholeness and to overcome dysphoria, but that may not be everyones experience. Not all trans people want lower surgery, and not wanting surgery does not make you any less trans nor any less male.

This book is designed to be both a memoir and guide. It is intended primarily for trans people exploring and going through lower surgery. However, it may also be of help to the loved ones of trans people, and others seeking to better understand trans lives. As a memoir, my aim is for this book to give an insight into how profoundly surgery can change a life; that, far from being cosmetic, the surgeries some trans people go through are both life-saving and life-enhancing. The aim of this book is to act as a guide to help people exploring lower surgery options and serve as a companion through the journey. I hope that it might help to dispel some of the many myths which exist about lower surgery. I also hope it may show that phalloplasty doesnt result in a numb, Frankenstein penis monster.

Finding statistics to be of little help, I have mostly steered away from them. As a psychology student, quantitative data, which measures only in numbers, always felt lacking to me. I felt this lack keenly when trying to use quantitative data to explore lower surgery. Statistics are just brief snapshots in time. Numbers are forever changing and tell us nothing about experience. On the other hand, qualitative data, which is concerned with lived experience, is rich and tangible. The most valuable sources of information in my journey were the first-hand accounts of people going through surgery. Knowing how people made decisions, how they later felt about those decisions, how they coped through surgery these were the things which helped me. It is for these reasons that this book concentrates fully on the lived experience of the lower surgery journey and steers away from statistics and medical jargon.

Do please note that I am not a trained medical professional, so if you are ever unsure about anything, please do check things out with your doctor or consultant. This book is not designed to be a replacement for medical care. You must always follow your consultants advice.

Ultimately, this book aims to give a very honest and balanced account of the entire physical and emotional processes involved in the lower surgery journey. Told from my own experience and point of view, this is an account of real events. However, the way I remember events may differ from those who shared them with me. I have done my best to recreate my journey from memory, and from my journals and videos, and I have used creativity when my memory failed me. I have changed the names of everyone mentioned in the book to protect their anonymity. I have also changed some of the locations and other identifying characteristics.

Before we get stuck in, a note on language. I have tried throughout this book to make the language as inclusive as possible. However, language changes all the time and there may be terms written here that later become problematic. Please know that I have done my best, at the time, to use language that aims to be as inclusive as possible.

I have used the word trans or transgender to describe myself and others. I do often switch between using trans men/man and trans people. This is because I want to acknowledge that not all people who go through lower surgery procedures identify as male. Non-binary people, for example, can, and do, choose to have lower surgery.

There are also many occasions when I have used various words to describe my genitals. Through my journey, in dealing with dysphoria, I have used words which felt comfortable at the time and reflected where I was in my personal growth. These words are just my personal preferences and it should be noted that these will not be the same for every trans person. My hope is that if the language is not to your taste, you will be able to overlook it to see the message underneath.