Jennifer Coken - When I Die, Take My Panties: Turning Your Darkest Moments Into Your Greatest Gifts

When I Die, Take My Panties

When I
Die, Take

My Panties

Turning Your Darkest Moments
into Your Greatest Gifts

JENNIFER COKEN

NEW YORK

NASHVILLE MELBOURNE

When I Die, Take My Panties

Turning Your Darkest Moments into Your Greatest Gifts

2017 JENNIFER COKEN .

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming WOW What a Ride!

Author Unknown

There are so many I want to acknowledge for making this book possible. I honestly wasnt sure Id actually publish. It wasnt that I didnt want to; I was simply busy with life. Upon reflection I can now see that I was procrastinating to avoid finally closing this particular chapter of my life. Completion can be confronting especially when we have grown to be comfortable in the space we are in.

I want to start by thanking my family for supporting me during the time my mom was sick thank you for your love, your honesty and for listening to so much so many times over. A very special thanks to my aunt and uncle and my dad and stepmom who made a very tough time in my life so much easier knowing that I had you all in my life.

Next I want to thank my writing coach and mentor Kristen Moeller of the company Author Your Brilliance who teased this book out of me as she does for so many writers. Kristen, your unwavering support of this project made me believe in myself in a way that wouldnt have been possible without you! Thank you for believing in me and making it possible to get published.

I want to thank Suzanne Muller-Heinz my friend, fearless writing partner and author of Lovable . Suz, you are such a great listener, operate with so much integrity and are so darned determined - you have always been and continue to be an inspiration to me with your success. I also want to thank Linda Hampton and Shoshanna French both of whom kept reminding me to let go of everything having to be perfect and just get the book out there. You are both such wise women! Linda, it made such a difference to be with you in your house in Mexico to do the final edit and hone in on the main points of the book. That ten-minute conversation caused all of the pieces to simply fit together.

Thank you Ilene Rosenblum, you literally gave me sanctuary back in 2012 so that I could write the book in the first place. Thank you for your kind and generous heart and for opening your home to me and to Sadie. Thank you Mary Ann Tate for your stellar copy editing and pushing me to read. Thank you to my tight circle of girlfriends who helped me through this difficult period of time Heather, Beth, Rebecca, Esther, Sierra and Dana. And finally to Sumir for your final proofread and for relating to the book in a way I hadnt even thought about. You have been and will continue to be such a contribution to my life.

There are so many more people to thank for their contribution to the completion of this book the Seminar Leader body, staff and Landmark Forum Leader body of Landmark Worldwide; all of my friends and family in Denver and my friends and family on the East Coast; and in particular my circle of witches and warlocks (you know who you are) that kept me sane along the way.

Finally, I want to thank Werner Erhard who created the est training back in the day which I did at the age of 15 at the encouragement of my mom. Having that language in common allowed for so much during the last years of her life. Especially our ability to take all the meaning out of everything we were dealing with and choosing to create our lives and the future moment by moment.

I love you and appreciate each and every one of you.

O n August 10, 2006 my mom was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer. Statistically speaking she had less than an 18% chance of living for five more years. She lived five years, one month and eight days. This is not a story about battling cancer or hope prevailing or even a miracle cure at the end. It is a story of a woman who tap danced her way through chemotherapy, loved her family and friends ferociously, and tried every option she could find to stick around as long as possible.

This is the story of a woman who went from being a logical teacher and scientist who did not believe that there was anything more than what she could see, touch or feel, to being a woman who believed there was a divine spirit in each of us and accepted that her cancer was part of her journey in this lifetime.

But mostly it is my story about the lessons I had throughout my life that I had no idea were preparing me for living with the uncertainty of Moms diagnosis. There were situations and circumstances that happened before, during and after Moms diagnosis and death that led me to a real place of peace within a year of her passing a genuine place of peace where I could authentically say I wouldnt have changed anything.

During the last five years of Moms life, there were times when I was strong, like the time we were searching for an experimental drug that was the one hope of saving Moms life, or when I was helping her visualize a healthy future; or we were planning her seventieth birthday party. Then there were the times (mostly) when I was terrified, frozen by my fears, trying to will any negative thoughts out of my mind lest they take root and become real. Then there were those times that I was just plain good old fashioned pissed off fuck cancer. At four oclock every afternoon my family and I would stop everything we were doing to give cancer the bird SCREW YOU CANCER!!! We didnt ask for you. We dont want you. And quite honestly there is only so Zen I can be about watching someone I love waste away to an unseen force that we had no control of no matter how hard we tried to convince ourselves that we did.