Drew Paige - The Darkness Within: You Can Always Come Out of the Other Side of Your Trauma

When we are brought into this world, no one tells us how difficult life is. It is like when you are getting married, not one person at the wedding says, Hey, this shit is going to be really hard. Good luck! Nope, they congratulate you, ask when you are planning a family, tell you to enjoy the honeymoon! That is how I look at my life. It has been a journey and not one person has told me how to navigate it. I have had to figure out life on my own.

After forty-four years, I felt it was my time to share my experiences with mental illness. I wanted to share the trials and tribulations I have experienced navigating life with a diagnosis of Bipolar two Disorder. From my own life journey, I want others who have family members with mental illness, or they themselves have a mental illness, to feel normal, not stigmatized by what society says mental illness is.

Discrimination occurs when people talk about mental illness. Many people believe that people who are mentally ill are dangerous or crazy when in fact people who have a mental illness, including me, are just like everyone else. People who have mental illnesses also have steady jobs and function in society just the same as other people do. They have ongoing and lasting, loving relationships. The only difference is that people who have a mental illness have symptoms they have to manage daily. With the right treatment team, having a functioning great life is possible.

I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused as well as covertly sexualized by my father. In response to the trauma of what was happening to me, I began to have symptoms of a mental illness at a young age. When I was thirty years old, I got the diagnosis of Bipolar two Disorder. Living with a mental illness my whole life, I have had to hide it. I am still hiding it, and many of my friends do not know about my illness. The shame of letting other people know my secret was and is too much to bear.

Ive worked in a mental health facility as a mental health professional for the past year. I have learned from working with people who had diagnoses of Schizophrenia, Bipolar one Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, and many other disorders that you can always come out of the other side of your trauma. It has been a transformative experience working with so many who have such a positive outlook on their lives and their illnesses. The illness did not define them; it was just a part of who they were. My time there made me realize I do not need to continue hiding behind my mask.

I came into the world a clean slate, and the rest was up to my parents to shape me into the person I grew up to be. I used to blame my father for my illness. I was so angry at the fact that the abuse made me the way that I am with a diagnosis of Bipolar. I now no longer set blame upon my father because through therapy I have chosen to not live in the anger I felt. I have empathy for the abusive experiences that he had encountered as a child, but I have also not forgotten what he did to me.

I want to get back to who I was before he took what was rightfully minemy authentic self, which I am re-learning through the healing process of therapy and the right medication. I am still the kind, empathetic, funny, fun, good mother, wife, sister, daughter, also a good friend to those I have let get close to me.

Having a mental illness is not easy and it is something I struggle with every day. Unless you experience symptoms, it is hard to understand what the person who deals with them daily is going through. Family and friends unfamiliar with mental illness often struggle with how to cope with a loved ones symptoms and diagnosis. I remember a young woman in her twenties at the facility I worked at said to me, For once I listened to my family about how they were affected by my mental illness; it wasnt until then, I realized how hard it had been for them. Then I saw it from their perspective. Then our relationships changed. I always made it about me. I just needed to listen.

The takeaway I want you to have after reading this book is that living life while managing symptoms of a mental illness is a process. We have choices of how we choose to cope with the things that happen to us in life. We can have dysfunctional, avoidant behaviors and blame the world for our own pain. Or we can choose to do the internal work to heal our hearts and minds. I am choosing to do the internal work. I am so tired of living with the ups and downs of guilt, shame, and self-doubt. As I have written this book, I have experienced a cathartic release of emotions that are helping set me free.

If you are reading this book, I hope you see a part of yourself in my writing. Many people experience symptoms of mental illness without even realizing it throughout their life. I would have been so grateful to have read something that I identified with as a young person or even as an adult. I am hopeful my book will bring awareness regarding mental illness, and I want whoever is reading this to feel accepted and validated in their thoughts and feelings.

My story is one of the underdog. I did not let the darkness take over the light that was always waiting for me.

I was told by a close friend that, Pain transfers into art. This book is my art.