Sherre Hirsch - We Plan, God Laughs: 10 Steps to Finding Your Divine Path When Life is Not Turning Out Like You Wanted

Contents

To my mother

AUTHORS NOTE

ON THE USE OF THE WORD GOD

For the sake of ease of reading, I have decided to use the male pronoun he in referring to God. In no way does this mean that I believe God is anthropomorphic with either male or female characteristics. I would never presume to assign a gender to God.

ON THE USE OF THE WORD TRADITION

Judaism is replete with traditions. It begins with the Torah, the five books of Moses, but it continues to be enriched and deepened over the centuries with the Mishnah, the Talmud, the Midrash, and thousands of commentaries. Together these works form the foundation and heart of our people and our way of life. When I mention the tradition, it is this body of work that I am referring to.

ON THE TEXT

In the interest of privacy I have changed some names and details in the real-life stories I tell. Also, when referring to the Bible throughout I am referring to the Hebrew Bible.

INTRODUCTION

MY MOTHERS STORY

Today is not turning out like I wanted. Yesterday did not, and I imagine tomorrow will not either.

I dedicated this book to my mother because it was from her that I first learned that life does not go as planned. It was from her that I learned that it is never too late, that there is always something more, something better. I have carried this lesson with me every day of my life. It has sustained me when my life has not gone as I wanted. It has helped me counsel others. It has helped me be a better me, a better daughter, wife, mother, rabbi.

My mother was a small-town girl from London, Ohio. Her father died when she was eight. She was one of five kids being raised by a single mother. All she ever wanted was to get out, and at fifteen, she met my father. He was from the big city of Dayton and had everything she wanted: two parents, big house, family dinners. She thought shed met her knight in shining armor. Things were finally on target to go as shed planned.

They married when she was nineteen. She was a mother of two by twenty-four. When they decided to move to Los Angeles and my father started to succeed in his own business, it was everything shed ever dreamed of.

But secretly, something did not feel right to her. It was what shed thought she always wanted. Why wasnt she happy and fulfilled? She and my father started to fight more and more. They argued about money, parenting, the business. The downward slope was slow at first. He got angry at her and at the world. His personality seemed to change. What at first had seemed fiery and passionate started to feel scary and abusive. My father went into a deep depression. He abandoned the business and eventually refused to get out of bed. He literally lay there, expecting my mother to wait on him day and night.

They had bills to pay, children in private school, a lifestyle to maintain; she had to go to work. What would she do? She had never balanced a checkbook. She had dated only one man, my father. Her sole job had been as a substitute teacher.

A Nordstrom was opening in our neighborhood. With no experience, my mother talked her way into a job as a sales assistant. She was in her late thirties learning how to work a computer for the first time. Within a year, she was promoted. The better her life at work got, the worse her home life became. My father grew more abusive. He demeaned her, insulted her, and even hit her.

She couldnt leave. Divorce was not part of the life story she had written for herself. My brother and I encouraged her to go. We lived in fear of our father. We never knew what would set him off. We were afraid of staying. Yet she was afraid of leaving.

But she continued to excel at work. She had discovered her passion. She loved making people look on the outside like they felt on the inside. Within two years, she became a senior personal shopper. Because she knew that everyone is beautiful, everyone loved working with her.

Four years into her new career, my mother became one of the leading salespeople in her company. Even though my father was continually tearing her down, she began to emerge and see that beauty was not only in others, it was within her. She began to find her authentic self. She began to discover this beautiful, strong, confident woman within her.

In her early forties, once my brother and I were in college, she finally left my father. She literally walked out the door with one suitcase and no money and headed to the neighbors. She did not know where she was going or what would happen next. But she was not going back. As she was walking alone down the street, she thought, This is not what I planned.

This life was not what my brother and I had planned either. At twenty and eighteen, we discovered that our father had incurred debt in our names. Not only were we on our own but we were being chased by the IRS. Every college semester when the bills were due, we prayed. We each found a way to survive. It was hard, but we were the lucky ones. What did we know? We were just starting out.

My mother, on the other hand, was not. She spent the next ten years rebuilding her life. She moved into a small apartment on a tight budget. She threw herself into her work and into making a living. With each step she became more and more empowered. Instead of waiting for the next promotion, she asked for one and got it. She began to take charge of her own life. She began dating. She started a group for divorced women. She started working out. Even though everything was new and a little uncomfortable, she kept moving forward.

She began to imagine her life as a successful, single career woman. A woman who discovered her inner strength and brought it to the world. She did not foresee where the plan would go next. So when she met Mort, a confirmed bachelor, she did not pay much attention. He did not fit into her new life plan. She had no intention of wasting time with someone who could not commit.

They dated casually for years. Her life was full, she had made wonderful friends, she loved her job, and she was traveling in her free time. So when Mort proposed, she was afraid to say yes. It was another leap. Her life was good. But she had learned in all those years that, by taking a step, she could change her life. She leapt.

When I officiated at their wedding, my mother wore my wedding dress. What I said then under the chuppah was that, at her first wedding, she was waiting for someone to rescue her. But at this wedding, she had rescued herself. She had taught us all that, to live the life you want, you have to be willing to leap. You have to be willing to realize that your life is not scripted. The happy ending starts with you.

WE PLAN, GOD LAUGHS?

We have all heard the Yiddish proverb We plan, God laughs (Mann traoch, Gott luch), and every time we see on it on a bumper sticker, we laugh too because we know it is true.

We all have plans. With each stage of life, we imagined who we would be when we arrived. But when we got there, things were not quite in place. Life did not turn out like we expected. In fact, at times life seemed to take another direction entirely. For a lot of us, it felt like we failed. We did not measure up. We are not who we thought we would be. Life is not turning out like we planned.

I remember my first plan. It was the Cinderella plan. I was going to become a beautiful princess. Then one day my fair and handsome prince would save me from my regular existence. We would fall in love with one magical kiss and live happily ever after. At the time the details were foggy, but the plan was in place. As I matured, the elements of fantasy disappeared, but the dream remained. One day I would fall in love with a wonderful man, get married, have 2.5 children, a house, a dog, and live happily ever after.