Corey Hirsch - The Save of My Life: My Journey Out of the Dark

To my family, to those who struggle with mental health

and to those who have lost their lives in their battle with it

I am about to drive my car off this cliff.

I am going to end my life.

I am past the point of thinking about it. Its done. I dont even have the energy to ask why anymore. There is only how. How can I make this pain go away? How can I escape from the prison of my own mind? How can I stop these ceaseless thoughts? This bottomless, bottomless, bottomless darkness. This infinite loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop that is my broken brain.

I dont want to actually dienot really. Not rationally. Not if I had a choice to live a normal life. But at this point, I cant stop the thoughts. They wont negotiate with me. They dont respond to my tears or my begging. They dont listen to me. They just scream at me. They will not, will not, will not, will not, will not willnotwillnotwillnotwillnot stop.

They tell me, You are a monster. You are worthless. You are broken. You are sick. Sicksicksicksicksicksicksick.

I just want to be at peace. I want it more than life itself. So I am about to drive my car off this cliff at 140 miles an hour. It makes no sense at all, from the outside. On paper, my life is about as perfect as you could ever ask for. I am living all my wildest dreams. You see, all I ever wanted to be, ever since I was a little kid, was a goalie. The exact moment I saw Gerry Cheevers wearing that iconic fibreglass mask on Hockey Night in Canadayou know the one, with the little black stitches painted all over itI just knew. Thats it. I know what I want to do with my life. I want to be the guy behind that mask.

Well, somehow, some way, I actually became that guy. I became that one-in-a-million Canadian story. In February, I backstopped an underdog Team Canada to an improbable silver medal at the 94 Olympics in Lillehammer. When we got back home, I was treated like a small-time hero. Then in June, I got called up to be the third-string emergency goalie for the New York Rangers during their iconic run, and I drank champagne out of the Stanley Cup. I got to live out my wildest childhood dreams, next to guys like Mark Messier and Brian Leetch, in the greatest city in the fucking world. Can you imagine anything better?

And it meant nothing to me. Less than nothing. I didnt even stay for the legendary tickertape parade through Manhattan. I immediately got on a plane in a cold sweat and went back home to Canada so that I could be alone with my unrelenting, endless, endless, endless thoughts.

And thats how I got here.

Its past midnight, and I am standing on the edge of this cliff in Kamloops, British Columbia, looking out over the horizon. And nothing exists. None of those good things happened to me. None of those accomplishments. None of the warm memories or the road trips or the times I almost pissed my pants laughing. Theyre vapour, man. Theyre gone. The only thing that exists in the entire universe is the recurring loop in my brain. The thoughts. On repeat, full volume, all day, every second, every nanosecond. No break.

Darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness.

I look out over the horizon in front of meso much endless Canadian horizonand as I stare blankly into the colourless sky, I am completely calm. I dont think of my family. I dont think of my girlfriend. I dont think of hockey. I dont think of anything, to be honest. I am empty. I get in my car. Its a 1990 Plymouth Laser with the turbo engine. Not a Ferrari, but it can fly. I turn the ignition. I rev the engine. I back up about a mile so I can get some speed. The roads are so familiar. Ive been down them hundreds of times while playing junior hockey for the Kamloops Blazers. Back in the good old days, when my brain wasnt broken. Back when things made sense. I crank up the knob on the radio. AC/DC as loud as the radio can go. I grip the wheel with both hands. I dont talk to God. I dont ask anyone for forgiveness. I dont have any poetic thoughts. This is not a movie.

I just think, Fuck it. Im so tired. Fuck it.

I slam my foot down on the gas and beg, Please God, just let this all end.

The car explodes forward. Im in first gear, second gear, third gear...

Im up to 100 miles an hour.

The G-force sucks me back into the seat. I am blank. The car is driving me. Its in control now. I am a passenger on a train to nowhere. There is nothing left to do but look out the window. So I look out the window. Trees.

Im up to 130.

Im genuinely very sorry to everybodyI really am. Im so sorry now. I dont want to make anybody sad. I really dont. Please dont be sad. I dont want to make anybody come to my funeral. Dont come. Dont be sad about this. I dont want it to be this way. But it is this way, and no other way, and it will be this way until the end of time. I am so sorry. But I just cant keep going, you understand?

If you knew what it was like to live inside my mind for 30 seconds, then I know you would understand. If you could hear the voices, youd know why it has to be this way. You would know how much I just need peace.

I dont wanna I dont wanna I dont wanna but I have to. I...

The car is floating now. Its going so fast that everything feels slow. Airless. Frictionless. Trees are going so fast. Cant even see them. Blur. Little sticks whizzing by. Im coming up to the edge of the cliff now. I can feel it. Cant see it, but I can feel it. All I see is the horizon. Sky. It doesnt get any closer or further away. Its just there. Colourless and endless. Any second now, there will simply be no road underneath me anymore. It will vanish. I will vanish. Then the thoughts will cease. I will finally be at rest.

The pedal is to the floor. I dont want to die Im sorry Im sorry ImsorryfuckIreallyamsorry but I cant keep going on.

Any second now. Oblivion.

Darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness.

And thenfor whatever reasonthis thought pops into my head. A new thought. A different thought. A stranger. It flashes for a brief moment in the darkness, like heat lightning way, way off in the distance. Just so faint. A tiny little bit of a glow. It is not a profound thought. It is not a message from God. It is not even particularly interesting. But for some reason, it appears out of nowhere. It snaps me out of the trance.

I slam my foot on the brake. No no no NO NO NONONONONONO. Not now, not now, not now.

The car starts skidding and skidding and skidding. My body lunges forward and hits the steering wheel. I feel the unseen forces of the world. Physics. Gravity. I suddenly feel very, very, very small. The world feels very big. We skid for what seems like forever. Trees come and go. The world is in control now. Me and the car, were just along for the ride. The world will do with us what it pleases. We skid. We squeal. We whirl. We wonder. The pavement underneath us will either still be there, or it wont. We wait to find out.

Were sliding. Were helpless. And then, for no good reason, we stop just short of the cliff. The ground is still beneath us, somehow. The tires are smoking. AC/DC is still playing. The road and the trees and the grass and the sky are still there, just like they were before. Like nothing happened at all. Were still here, me and the car.

And all I can do is sit there in the middle of the road, sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. Begging. Pleading with whoever is out there.

Please, I think, somebody help me. For the love of God, somebody please help me.