Tina Bears - Goodbye to Shame: Removing the Mask

Goodbye To Shame

Removing The Mask

Tina Bears

Copyright 2012 by Tina Bears

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ISBN: 978-1-4497-6347-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-6348-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-6346-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012914699

WestBow Press rev. date: 8/30/2012

Contents

To my brothers, the three men in my life who roll their eyes at my princess ways, but have always chosen to love me anyway. To Jim, Joe & Mickey Lumbard, I love you!

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all my troubles.

Psalm 34:4-6 NLT

Thank you to everyone that encouraged me on this writing journey, to name you all would be impossible.

My heart would first go to honor my mom, Jackie Bock. I have witnessed your ups and downs. But the greatest lesson learned through them for me, was the fact that you were present and always in my life. Thank you Mom, for showing me how to be faithful.

To my Jessica, Shawna, and Ryan. Thank you for being willing to allow me to share our story to encourage the lives of others who hurt like we did. I love and I am so thankful to each of you!

To my Late Grandpop Fanelli and Grandma Barbara Fanelli. There is not an ounce of blood between us, but you have shown me how to reach out to the broken and love them no matter what. Thank you for your commitment to our family.

To my friend Penny Curtis. You knew I had a story and you believed God could indeed use it. Thank you for all the hours spent editing my manuscript until it was finished!

To my family at Abundant Life Baptist Church. I am so thankful God has placed me under your spiritual covering. It is an unspeakable joy to be so loved and part of this family of God!

To my sweet Ella and Lydia. You are not a part of this story but I am so glad you are a part of my life now.

Finally, to my step family, Ben, Roger & Roland Bock. I know we didnt grow up together but I am glad we will grow old together.

Now, most importantly, all praise, honor and glory to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Thank you for your love, provision and protection.

God, I know Im not worthy, but You, Father, thought I was worth it, therefore I am willing for You to use me for Your glory! In Jesus name.

Amen!

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.*

What a wonderful verse to a good old hymn. Listening to my friend play this on the organ, I could feel a tear stream down my face. She played this old hymn with such passion. Although the sun was shining outside on this very crisp December afternoon, my helpless estate was certainly what I was feeling, as I looked down at my light blue suit and ivory pumps and realized I was a widow at only twenty-nine years of age.

I looked over at my three now fatherless children, only twelve, eight, and six. Their faces were scrubbed so clean that their cheeks were shiny. My children and I had just left a battered womens shelter where we had taken refuge. Life seemed like a whirlwind. My husband had been a very controlling, abusive and bi-polar man. Then in one day it had suddenly all changed forever.

I prayed to God that He would give me a strong but sweet attitude to get through this day, for today I would bury my husband of almost ten years. Broken and sad myself, I had to face people who blamed me for his death. God gave me enough grace to move through this day and be a light to others.

How did I get to this place in my life? To tell this story, I need to start at the beginning.

*It Is Well With My Soul, By Horatio G. Spafford, from Hymn Sources: Faith Publishing House, Echoes from Heaven , 1976 (168); Anonymous/Unknown, The Blue Book (199)

Lifes First Heartache

Life started out for me in Honolulu, Hawaii, where I was born. My dad was a U.S. Marine and my mom was right by his side. I had two older brothers whose initials were J.R., just like my dad. My parents were expecting another boy when I was born. I suppose I broke the mold when Jeffery Robert wasnt born, but instead Christina Marie entered the world. So shortly after I was born my parents got a puppy and named it Jeffery Robert. My poor, disappointed dad!

But my cute, little face won my dad over. I soon became a real daddys girl! As I grew older, my mom would share stories of how my dad didnt know how to take care of a girl, but he would give it a try. Mom would run to the store leaving me with Dad and come home to find me in the bathtub, with no water and fully dressed! Dad was grossed out by changing my dirty diapers. I was told I just stood in the tub waiting for Mommy to come home and clean me up.

My dad left the Marines when I was two years old. We moved to Pennsylvania and there started our familys journey of instability. My dad had trouble adjusting to civilian life and couldnt hold a steady job. Our family moved all the time and we never had a real home. We would live with our aunts, uncles, and grandparents. My brothers and I wouldnt stay in one school for very long before it was time to move again.