A.J. Bond - Discomfortable: What Is Shame and How Can We Break Its Hold?

Copyright 2021 by A.J. Bond. All rights reserved. No portion of this book, except for brief review, may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the written permission of the publisher. For information contact North Atlantic Books.

Published by

North Atlantic Books
Berkeley, California
Cover design by Rob Johnson
Book design by Happenstance Type-O-Rama

Moonlight Desires
Words and Music by Lawrence GowanCopyright 1987 Anthem Mark Cain Music PublishingAll Rights Reserved Used by PermissionReprinted by Permission of Hal Leonard LLC

Discomfortable: What Is Shame and How Can We Break Its Hold? is sponsored and published by North Atlantic Books, an educational nonprofit based in Berkeley, California, that collaborates with partners to develop cross-cultural perspectives, nurture holistic views of art, science, the humanities, and healing, and seed personal and global transformation by publishing work on the relationship of body, spirit, and nature.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Bond, A. J., author.
Title: Discomfortable / A. J. Bond.
Description: Berkeley : North Atlantic Books, 2021. | Includes
bibliographical references and index. | Summary: Shame-Ed coach A. J.
Bond boldly unpacks shame: what it is, why it shows up, and how to undo
the lies it tells us about ourselves Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020056437 (print) | LCCN 2020056438 (ebook) | ISBN
9781623175566 (paperback) | ISBN 9781623175573 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Shame. | Self-acceptance. | Emotions.
Classification: LCC BF575.S45 B65 2021 (print) | LCC BF575.S45 (ebook) |
DDC 152.4dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020056437
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020056438

Dedicated with love to my parents

HI.

If you are reading this, Im imagining you are a courageous person.

Im not just trying to butter you up here. I honestly believe that many people wouldnt have the nerve to pick up this book. Why? Because shame.

We did our best in naming and designing this book so as not to embarrass you in public (too much), but I still think you probably had to go through a series of hurdles to get to this point. Maybe it was overcoming the potential shame of merely picking this book up in a bookstore or handing it to the cashier. Maybe it was overcoming the potential shame of opening it on the subway or in a cafe. Maybe it was overcoming the potential shame of asking your partner for it as a birthday present. Maybe it was overcoming the potential shame of giving it to your partner as a birthday present (I approve). Whatever the moment of bravery was for you, Im impressed and excited that you got here.

And I can relate. Even to this day, after years of working on my shame, when someone asks what I do, I usually experience a tremor of shame myself as I consider whether to reveal the part about being a self-styled shame educator.

Whats a shame educator? they often ask.

Im not entirely sure, I admit, I just made it up.

And its true. I just made it up. But in my mind, a shame educator is basically like a sex educator, except that, instead of educating people about sex, we educate people about shame. After all, though it is decidedly less sexy, I think Shame Ed is just as important to human literacy as Sex Ed. Shame is easily the single most powerful force in our lives about which we, as a society, tend to be the most ignorant. And thats not a coincidence. Shame wants it that way! Thats why I think everyone would benefit from learning the basics of shame. The more we understand shame, the less power it has over us.

I havent always been a shame educator. This is a relatively new calling I adopted after it became clear that my obsession with shame was more than just a passing fancyit actually feels like my purpose. My background is in writing and filmmaking, both media that I love, but neither of which ever provided me the sense of meaning and drive that demystifying shame has ignited. The most profound thing that ever happened to me, and the achievement about which I am the proudest, is this shame breakthrough I had in therapy several years ago. It changed my life to such a positive degree that I cant help but try to share it with you and everyone else. At first, this breakthrough just inspired me to read as many books on shame as I could. But then I started traveling the world on a kind of Eat, Pray, Shame soul quest, taking every shame class I could find (there arent that many). And before I knew it, I was getting certified at the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley.

The breakthrough that started it all, this life-changing epiphany, was similar to life-changing experiences that many people have had for as long as stories have been recorded. It can happen for many different reasons and in many different ways. Some people experience it through a religious tradition, a spiritual modality, or through a form of therapy like I did (highly recommended). Or they get it from a dramatic life eventa near-death experience, perhaps, or after doing some powerful psychedelic drugs, or through the influence of a new culture, perspective, or relationship. Some people get there to varying degrees after a midlife crisis or a tragedy or even through sheer exasperation and exhaustion.

However it happens, its a courageous act of transcending ones old values, assumptions, and illusions in order to live a life of greater authenticity, connection, and autonomy. Its a personal cultural shift, an identity transformation, and a kind of rebirth. Whats interesting, though, is that despite the incredible sense of change it engenders, it always seems to be a return to oneself. Its about embracing who you really are. Which is actually who you always were (secretly, underneath all the masks, identities, and strategies for worthiness you adopted along the way). So its really a kind of homecoming. And you dont actually change so much as you stop not being yourself (if that makes any sense).

I meet many people who seem to have had small versions of this breakthrough in one or more areas of their life but havent taken it as far as they could, in my opinion. You may have finally rejected the inauthentic values your family imposed on you, for example, or the toxic relationship that held you hostage, the limiting beliefs that held you back, the job that kept you small, the religion that blinded you, or the prudish hang-ups that robbed you of pleasure, and so on and so on (I consider each of these a small shame breakthrough in their own right). But you may not have realized the full extent to which the larger culture you live in, the identity you carry around, and the view of reality you cling to are all controlling you in the exact same way.

Though there are many roads that lead more or less in this direction, for me the true key to all of these breakthroughs is shame. Shame is the instinct that explains why we need a breakthrough in the first place, why that breakthrough is so difficult, and why that breakthrough is so empowering.

First and foremost, shame is an emotion. And emotions help to give life motivation, connection, and protection. Without emotions, we probably wouldnt do most of what we do. Because we wouldnt