Revital Shiri-Horowitz - Its Just Your Imagination

Its Just Your Imagination

Growing Up with a Narcissistic Mother - Insights of a Personal Journey

By Revital Shiri-Horowitz

Horowitz Publishing

It`s just your Imagination Growing Up with a Narcissistic Mother

All rights reserved 2017 Revital Shiri-Horowitz

Alternative title: Insights of a Personal Journey

Editor: Shlomit Lica

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions there of in any form whatsoever. For information please contact the author directly.

Introduction

The Mother in your Head and the Mother in your Heart

W hen you hear the word Mother, what thoughts come to mind? For me, mother is a complicated word. A mother is supposed to be warm and protective, always thinking about the wellbeing of her children, her chicks; they are always foremost in her mind. So, what was it like to grow up with a different kind of mother, a mother who puts herself before her children?

Today, I can understand her behavior from a rational perspective, but my feelings towards her continue to be very complex. There is the mother in my head and the mother in my heart, and between the two there are countless feelings of guilt. What I mean by the mother in the head and the mother in the heart is the realization that something isnt right. We the daughters are getting mixed messages from the mother in the head, whereas we feel only love towards the mother in the heart, even as we sense that something is off in her love for us. But Im getting ahead of myself. Lets take it slowly.

There are many phrases that express the importance of the mother in our culture: we only have one mother, theres nothing like a moms love, etc. The subject of mothers is still taboo in our culture, and if a daughter says something that is perceived as defiant towards her mother, the reaction she gets is something along the lines of You must be misunderstanding your mother or Thats impossible, a mother always loves her children. Some of the responses may even be excruciatingly sharp: Your mother did everything for you, how dare you talk about her that way? These kinds of reactions cause these daughters who arent self-confident to begin with and whose grasp of the world feels shaky to believe that theres something wrong with them.

This book was written with the blood of my heart, amidst an internal war against feelings of guilt, a fear of hurting her, and the knowledge that I would be placing myself on the front lines. I have no doubt that this book shatters the myth of motherhood, and at the same time, as a writer, I want to approach these girls and unambiguously tell them, Its not you, its your mothers.

There are unemphatic mothers (this is a type of borderline disability disorder), and there are mothers who compete with, or envy, their daughters. And no, it is not the mothers fault, because chances are they themselves grew up with these kinds of mothers and didnt receive the love they needed. As a result, they only have a vague grasp of what love really is, and are limited in how much love they can give and receive. It is important to say these things outright, and not to sweep them under the rug.

I wrote this book to address the issue of narcissistic mothers and their daughters. It strives to help these daughters understand that they are adequate, that what they have been feeling and experiencing for so many years is real, and that there are other women who share their emotions. They are not aberrant, and they are not alone.

The goal of this book is to share my experience, along with the insights Ive amassed over the years, both from articles Ive read and from my own therapy. I dont presume to label this a psychology textbook; I have no training in that field. I just want to tell my own story, in the hope that it will help other women like me.

PART ONE

ON SHAME AND IMAGINATION - GROWING UP AS THE DAUGHTER OF A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER

Chapter One

What is Narcissism?

T he word narcissism comes from the story of Narcissus, a handsome Greek demigod who was beloved by men and women alike, but didnt love anyone else in return. Ultimately, he fell in love with his own reflection. People with a narcissistic disorder are unable to see other people, much less to show them empathy. From their perspective, the world is there to serve their needs. They are unable to understand other peoples pain, and they put themselves at the center regardless of the cost. In my case, this meant that if something happened in my life, it didnt matter unless it was in my mothers best interests.