Melanie Strang - Mother Love

MOTHER LOVE

Dr Melanie Strang

MOTHER LOVE

Embracing the ups and downs of being a new parent

JCP

JANE CURRY PUBLISHING

Mother Love by Dr Melanie Strang

Published in 2013 by

Jane Curry Publishing

[Wentworth Concepts Pty Ltd]

PO Box 780 Edgecliff NSW 2027 Australia

www.janecurrypublishing.com.au

Copyright Dr Melanie Strang, 2013

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any other information storage retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

National Library of Australia

Cataloguing-in-Publication entry is available upon request.

ISBN: 9781922190765 (paperback)

ISBN: 9781922190772 (eBook: epub and Kindle)

ISBN: 9781922190802 (eBook: ePDF)

Cover image: Shutterstock

Cover and internal design: Deborah Parry Design

Editing by Bill Harper

Printed in Australia by McPhersons Printing Group

Table of Contents

For Abigail and Zachary

Introduction

It was my first night home from hospital, and Id just woken from a strange nightmare. It was the same one Id had three years earlier, and once again I felt an immense sense of loss.

Where was my baby?

Half-awake, half-asleep, I frantically began searching the bed. As my hand brushed against my no-longer-pregnant belly, panic set in. I pulled the covers off the bed and ripped away the sheets, desperate to find my baby.

Once I was fully awake, lying in a pool of sweat with heart palpitating, I realised Id given birth some days ago and my second baby was sound asleep in the crib next to me.

This nightmare, like the one Id suffered three years earlier after having my first child, was a stark reminder. Because despite all the joys, highs and immense pleasure of becoming a parent, I had an overwhelming feeling that Id lost more than just the pregnant belly.

I also felt incredibly inadequate. Wow, youve only been home from hospital for one night and youve already misplaced the baby! And this was on top of the pressure Id already put on myself to do this mothering gig the right way.

But it wasnt long before this strange nightmare became the start of a dream.

As my journey into parenthood took shape, I started thinking how I could make the transition into parenthood easier for others. Antenatal classes tend to gloss over the emotional aspects of parenting, even though its probably the toughest thing to deal with after labour.

Suddenly I saw a gap I desperately wanted to fill. And as a medical practitioner, perinatal educator and mother of two young children, I felt confident that I could do it.

Having run workshops on Emotional Preparation for Parenthood, I know what a privilege and responsibility it is to educate parents on what this massive transition might feel like. And so began my mission: to reassure and prepare other parents for the transition, while respecting the fact it will be different for everyone.

Some experts say women dont want to hear about emotional issues or the challenges that may lie ahead, and want to focus on preparing for labour and birth. Other experts say women do want to hear it, but in a dedicated forum and perhaps when they are less focussed on the birth.

I believe theres an element of denial when it comes to emotions, especially challenging ones. Women dont want any grey clouds or bubbles being burst during their time of joy (and it is a joyful time).

This book isnt about bursting your bubble. Instead it offers support to launch yourself out of the bubble and beyond, and guidance to become a more self-aware parent.

Ive written this book to fill a void: preparing parents for the emotional challenges of parenthood. I know it exists because I get the same response from every mum when I tell them about my workshop and book: Ooh, I wish I had you in the early days of having a new baby.

Ive spent the past few years connecting with parents who generously and kindly opened their hearts and shared their experiences and transition journeys. And Ive shared a lot of their stories in this book, because its all part of moving from person to parent.

This isnt a parenting book. It holds no promises or black and white answers. And you wont find anything about labour, breastfeeding or the physical care of mum and baby either. Instead its a guide for you and your partner to make the transition from person to parent with confidence and emotional wellness.

Good luck!

CHAPTER

Realistic expectations

Despite everything youve read, seen and been told about becoming a parent, often it feels as if nothing can prepare you for the reality. One way to get through it is to keep your expectations as realistic as possible. This chapter explores some of the ways to keep your head above water when real life with a baby isnt what you imagined it would be.

The reality of being a parent may be different from what you expected.

A question many new mums and dads often ask is, Why didnt anyone tell me it would be like this?

(Ive asked myself the same question. Many, many times.)

As a first-time parent it can be hard to imagine what your life will be like until youre living it, complete with babe in arms.

Annette, a business owner and mother of two young boys, resented things not being as she imagined theyd be:

It took me the birth of my two children (plus more time), to eventually learn to expect the unexpected.

It is natural to imagine how you would like your birth experience to be, and how you picture yourself in your new parenting role. However, all too often the real life experience does not match your initial expectations.

There is nothing that can prepare you emotionally and physically for every possible birth or parenting scenario.

The only thing that you can prepare yourself for, is to expected the unexpected and know, you can and will deal with whatever situation and experience arises, despite how difficult it sometimes feels.

I expected a full term baby, but instead I got a premature one. We had to commute to and from the hospital several times a day for a few weeks. What a shock that was.

I expected to breast feed my baby, but instead my baby did not develop his sucking reflex so for hours each day I had a machine attached to my breasts and extracted milk (I felt like a cow), so I could feed my own milk to my baby through his naso-gastric tube. Then, for months after, I kept filling up bottles with breast milk to feed him. I never expected to feel so physically and mentally wrecked. Some days it felt like my brain did not function. When I look back I wonder how I ever did it. But you just do.

I expected to sit at my computer every day when my baby slept so I could continue to develop my business, but instead, I got a baby who never slept and my computer never got switched on. Sometimes I got so frustrated and felt resentful toward my baby for prohibiting me from doing what I wanted to do. It took me over two years to finally stop expecting to achieve in my work, and just be with what I was blessed with.