Casey ORoarty - Joyful Courage: Calming the Drama and Taking Control of Your Parenting Journey

Hey there. My name is Casey, and I am a mom, just like you.

I came into this parenting gig thinking that it would be so great, so easy. I figured I was at the perfect age, in a solid relationship with my husband, and we were both ready to jump into the next part of our life, so we went for it.

I had always been a kid person. I was a camp counselor, a babysitter, and went into teaching when I was 25 years old. Kids were my jam. I just got them.

And then I had my own.

From the start, I was surrounded by mamas that I looked up to. Mamas that introduced me to natural childbirth, attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding. Everything I learned in those early years felt instinctive to me. It felt right.

My first baby was like another limb. She spent a ton of time in the sling, riding along snug against me, no matter what event or experience was at hand. She nursed on demand and we co-slept. This worked for both my husband and mewe liked having her right there. We found our rhythm, and I learned to navigate the world with a baby, quickly forgetting what it was like before.

Then I had my son. Hey, one is good, two is better, right?

I read a bit about the transition from one child to two, about the mama bear instinct to push your older child away. No way did I think this would be something that would happen to me. I was more concerned with how I could possibly love another child as deeply as I loved my first.

Then he arrived.

WowzerSo. Much. Love.

And the mama bear instinct kicked in hard.

Those of you with more than one child know how it is. You have another baby and the older child becomes a giant overnight. And while I knew in my mind that she still needed me, this other, tiny, brand new human seemed to pull me right in. Turns out that I did, indeed, push my older child away. And it wasnt pretty.

It hurts to share that. I think about how confusing that must have been for her, all those years ago, when her mom changed so dramatically. My heart breaks as I wonder if some of the struggles she is dealing with today come from that early messaging and the experience of feeling like she didnt fit in the family.

I wasnt terrible all the time, but my threshold for what I could handle was low during those early years. I would snap and get mean. Mean to the girl that I loved the most, the one that made me a mother.

It was a dark time. But, what could I do? Like so many others, I was home all day with two little babies. It was both chaotic and monotonous. Like there was no time and so much time. I felt guilty about not being grateful, and I would put on a brave face.

I loved those babies fiercely, of course. The pendulum would swing hard though, between the nurturing, connected, loving moments that we would share, and the angry, dysregulated, less than loving moments that we would live through.

During this same period of time, I was working on growing my parent education business ha! I am sure you can imagine the conversations I had with myself around that! How could I stand up and speak to advise and support other parents when so much of my own parenting felt out of control?

In 2007, I decided that what I was doing clearly wasnt working for me. My daughter was picking on her little brother, and I was picking on her for picking on him, which led her to pick on him more. It was a disaster.

This is when I took the advice of a mama I love and admire deeply, and I looked up Positive Discipline. A month later, I was a trained Positive Discipline Parent Educator.

Learning the philosophy and practice of Positive Discipline, and facilitating others in learning about it, was a game changer for me. Not only did it shift the dynamics in my own family, and specifically my relationship with my daughter, but also it was a philosophy I was proud to share.

In the years that followed, the climate of our home shifted. My daughter and I were able to mend our relationship, and move forward in a connected and loving way. I learned to recognize how I was contributing to the dynamics that were happening in our home, and I learned strategies for creating an home environment that celebrated contribution, cooperation, and learning from mistakes.

Teaching parenting classes kept me in the practice of walking my talkmost of the time. It offered me a beautiful practice of accountability and personal responsibility for my actions. I was not , and am not, a perfect parent. I am a shit show a lot of the time. But I am aware of what is happening, and I am willing to be honest and vulnerable with my kids and with other parents. I am willing to get up and try again.

In 2011, I began to write about my parenting experiences in a blog. I found that it was helpful for me to tell my real and raw stories, and that it also helped others to read them and not feel so alone.

That blog evolved into a website, and in April of 2014, I published my first podcast. I am now over 150 shows in.

What has always been important to me is to hold space for parents to make sense of their journey. To help parents recognize that there is always room to grow, evolve, and expand as humansand that our children chose us to light our way.

As of the writing of this book, my children are 12 and 15 years old. I remain in the thick of it, but I am stronger and more committed than ever to how I show up for them. The pendulum still swings, but the arch is much smaller.

Not only do I continue to facilitate parenting classes, I also speak at conferences, lead online workshops, and coach private clients, all with the intention of supporting other parents in being and growing into the best versions of themselves.

Parenting is no joke. I know Im not the only one that assumed it would be easy, that I would be filled with love, that Id enjoy every precious moment I could spend with my children.