Maurice J. Elias Ph.D. - Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: How to Raise a Self-Disciplined, Responsible, Socially Skilled Child

Computers in Child Therapy

BY MAURICE J. ELIAS AND STEVEN E. TOBIAS

Social Problem-Solving Interventions in the Schools

Problem-Solving/Decision-Making for Social and Academic Success

BY MAURICE J. ELIAS

Social Decision-Making and Life Skills Development

Guidelines for Middle School Educators

COAUTHORED BY MAURICE J. ELIAS

Promoting Social and Emotional Learning: Guidelines for Educators

Group Interventions for the Promotion of Social Competence

Building Social Problem-Solving Skills:

Guidelines from a School-Based Program

Social Decision-Making Skills:

A Curriculum Guide for the Elementary Grades

Teach Your Child Decision-Making

Copyright 1999 by Maurice J. Elias, Steven E. Tobias, and Brian S. Friedlander

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by Three Rivers Press,
New York, New York.
Member of the Crown Publishing Group.

Random House, Inc. New York, Toronto, London, Sydney, Auckland www.randomhouse.com

THREE RIVERS PRESS is a registered trademark and the Three Rivers Press colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Originally published in hardcover by Harmony Books in 1999.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Elias, Maurice J.
Emotionally intelligent parenting: how to raise a self-disciplined, responsible, socially skilled child / by Maurice J. Elias, Steven E. Tobias, and Brian S. Friedlander; foreword by Daniel Goleman.
1. Child rearing. 2. Parenting. I. Tobias, Steven E.
II. Friedlander, Brian S. III. Title.
HQ769.E552 1999
649.1dc21 98-20835

eISBN: 978-0-307-78895-5

v3.1

I thank my family for putting up with the disruptions that my writing creates in our lives and in our living room and dining room. My wife, Ellen, has been my partner in parenting and in just about everything else for over 348 annimontharies, and her unwavering support keeps me moving forward. I also want to thank my professional colleagues at the Collaborative for the Advancement of Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL), with whom I continue to work to apply the principles of emotional intelligence to education; the hard-working and dedicated members of the Social Problem Solving Unit at UMDNJ; the fabulous teachers of emotional intelligence at flagship schools in Highland Park, Piscataway, Berkeley Heights, and Cape May Courthouse, New Jersey; the Childrens Institute in Verona, New Jersey, and Kiryat Ono in the Tel Aviv metropolitan school district; the graduate and undergraduate students at Rutgers whom I have had the privilege to teach and supervise over the past two decades; and four very special colleagues with whom I hope to continue working for many more years to come: Ed Dunkelblau, Tom Schuyler, Linda Bruene-Butler, and Bernie Novick. Each of these individuals is a lifelong friend whose dedication to children and to reaching people in a genuine and engaging way has set standards that I continue to strive to meet.

MJE

I would like to thank all of my teachers for making this book possible. From Miss Pazulli in kindergarten to Dr. Marvin Bram in college, and all the stimulating and caring teachers in between, I gratefully acknowledge your contribution to my personal and academic development. My wife, Carol, has also been my teacher, cheerleader, and friend whose support has enabled me to achieve my goals. I truly appreciate her. In listing my teachers, I also include my parents, Ruth Zitt, Hersch Zitt, and George Tobias, who taught me ideals and problem solving; my sister Susan, who is my friend; my colleagues, from whom I have learned both professionally and personally; and my clients, who not only show their confidence in me but who also continually give me new ideas and teach me compassion.

SET

Through all the countless hours spent working on this project and many others, my wife, Helene, has been a continual source of encouragement and support. Without her, these projects would seem insurmountable. Likewise, I would like to acknowledge my daughter, Chelsea, who has provided me with a rich palette of parenting experiences to draw from. I would also like to thank my father, Robert Friedlander, who has always given me a strong model and basis for Emotionally Intelligent Parenting. To my in-laws, Hyman and Ruth Gorelick, thanks for all your love and support. Also to my brother-in-law Victor and sister-in-law Kathie, thanks for your excitement and enthusiasm. And I would like to thank my brother, Devin, and sister-in-law, Sara, and my sister Susan and brother-in-law, David, and their families for all their support and encouragement and for believing in me.

BSF

We have many colleagues, and friends, and relatives whose support and inspiration have allowed us to pursue this work. Among these, we want to thank especially Dan Goleman, whose great insights and skills as a communicator have opened up the area of social and emotional intelligence to millions of individuals throughout the world and who supported us in our application of this work to parents. We also thank a special set of colleagues at the Center for Applied Psychology of the Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology at Rutgers University. Dr. Lew Gantwerk and Diane Crino have given us forums to conduct workshops and other kinds of outreach that have allowed us to perfect our messages and solidify many of our understandings. We expect to continue to work with them for many years. We also want to thank Denise Marcil, our literary agent, for her confidence in us, her patience, her creativity, and her energy. She has taught us a great deal about what it means to be authors. Thanks also to all of Denises assistants, who have helped us manage many logistical issues. Finally, our thanks to Peter Guzzardi, senior editor at Harmony Books, who truly loves kids, wants to help them manage in these difficult times, and knows so much about writing. Peter also has helped us work with a wonderfully talented group of professionals at Harmony in editing, marketing, and sales, both in the United States and overseas. Without this team, our book would not have reached so many parents and other caregivers so effectively. And that is our goalhelping those who care for children to do so in an emotionally intelligent manner.