Dan Arel - Parenting Without God: How to Raise Moral, Ethical and Intelligent Children, Free from Religious Dogma

Pitchstone Publishing

www.pitchstonepublishing.com

First Pitchstone edition published in 2015

Copyright 2014, 2015 Dan Arel

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Arel, Dan.

Parenting without God : how to raise moral, ethical, and intelligent children free from religious dogma / Dan Arel ; foreword by Peter Boghossian.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-63431-044-4 (pbk. : alk. paper)

1. ParentingReligious aspects. 2. Religious education of children. 3. Atheism. I. Title.

BL2777.R4A74 2015

649.1024dc23

2015015105

For Danielle, London & Luella

Dan Arel deftly navigates the child-rearing minefield, revealing the importance and beauty of education over indoctrination, and placing yet another exclamation point on why the next generation should be given the tools and encouragement to discover the world honestly, enthusiastically, and without fear.

Seth Andrews, host of the Thinking Atheist and author of Deconverted

Parenting Without God is not just about the absence of religionits about the glorious space that opens up for secular parents and their lucky kids once the clutter and smoke of religion is gone. Dan Arels voice is clear, smart, and a welcome addition to the growing chorus of parents taking the hands of their children and running at full speed into the real world.

Dale McGowan, editor of Parenting Beyond Belief and author of Raising Freethinkers

As any parent will tell you, the number of resources available to the faithful is staggering. They include books, daycare, religious education, and ways to celebrate rites of passage. Atheists with children are usually left to fend for themselves, but Dan Arel has contributed a fine volume to the growing library of secular parenting resources. His casual yet in-depth approach to the struggles nonreligious parents face reminds us that religious rituals can indeed be replaced.

Hemant Mehta, editor of FriendlyAtheist.com

Dan Arel is the atheist dad I never had, with a thoughtful, passionate, and accessible approach to todays important social issues. Parenting Without God is an indispensable guide for navigating all the unique challenges that face secular parents.

David Fitzgerald, author of Nailed and The Complete Heretics Guide to Western Religion

My mother, who took her duties as a mother very seriously, used to change my diapers at least twelve times a day, whether they were dirty or not. When her friendwho only changed her sons diapers a few times a dayfound out, she said, Lets look at their asses in twenty years and see if theres a difference. In other words, her friend was saying, Lets look at the evidence.

Parents are barraged with an entire industry of guilt-tripping experts who dole out unevidenced opinions masquerading as scientific facts. Do this. Dont do that. Tiger parenting creates child prodigies. TV is cognitively damaging. Suzuki violin increases brain activity. Organic foods promote health. Violent video games produce violent children. Adventure playgrounds create resilient children. The list of unsubstantiated claims goes on, and on, and on.

My wife and I adopted our daughter from China when she was two and a half. She was malnourished. Her hair was falling out. She was weak, scared, and confused. We immediately took her to eat at the closest restaurant. She ate everything that was placed in front of hershe had no off switcheven eating plain hot sauce. Her undifferentiating, insatiable appetite continued for nearly a year. Today, shes eight, slender, active, bright, doing exceptionally well in school, and finicky about what she eats.

What part have we played in creating the phenomenal kid she is now? What part is genetic? What about the orphanage? Maybe having to fend for herself so early in life had some benefit. We dont know. So how should conscientious parents act? The problem with apodictic pronouncements about how to parent is that it is not possible to know which parenting practices produce which outcomes. There are so many variables (genetics, socioeconomic status, home life, diet) that testing this (Suzuki violin) or that (number of hours of TV per day) variable and attempting to tie it to a particular outcome (high school grades) is impossible.

Parenting Without God offers an insightful, evidence-based response relating to broader issues of religion, faith, and childrearing. Parenting Without God addresses issues that matterlife, death, belief, Godand does so in a way thats both accessible and eminently practical. It navigates readers, not to particular data points from which unsubstantiated pronouncements are all too frequently drawn, but instead guides readers through a thematic understanding of the challenges, rewards, and benefits of raising children free of faith-based delusions. This book will teach readers how to raise children in accordance with secular values while inviting parents to reflect on why those values are important.

In this regard Parenting Without God fills a unique gap in the literature for parents. It doesnt pretend to be something its not, or make claims about something that cannot be known. Rather, its an honest guidebook for sincere parents who seek to help their children to value reason, rationality, and science, while helping them nurture those dispositions necessary for an examined, thoughtful life. In crisp, succinct, and easy-to-read chapters, Parenting Without God deftly integrates narratives, peer-reviewed research drawing from a vast body of contemporary literature, and personal experiences that make hard-to-understand ideas accessible and meaningful.

Beyond being a helpful guidebook, Parenting Without God shines by explaining why parents should adopt certain parenting attitudes and practices. Too often, atheist and secular parents dont explicitly articulate the value of why were raising our children a particular way. Weve become so centered on outcomes (grades, college, physical health) and trying to figure out how to achieve those outcomes, that we joylessly and mechanically go through the motions. Parenting Without God calls us back to the meaning, the delight, and the joy of parenting.

Its been forty-five years since my mothers friend proposed her comparative evaluation, and six years since my wife and I adopted our daughter. Much has changed, and nothing has changed. Whats known today about effective parenting practices is hardly different today than it was yesterday, or yesteryear. However, one lesson weve learned from shifting tides is that warrantless certainty, whether about God or childrearing, distracts us from the issues that really matterbeing present with our children and allowing ourselves to experience gratitude for the meaning and joy they bring to our lives.

Peter Boghossian

Portland, Oregon

I never wanted to be a parent when I was growing up, always making it very clear I would never have kids. I had all the excuses. I didnt want to bring a child into this world and was too selfish to have a child. I asserted that when you have a child, your life is over.