Elisa Medhus M.D. - Raising Children Who Think for Themselves

RAISING CHILDREN
WHO THINK
FOR THEMSELVES

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Copyright 2001 by Elisa Medhus

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

The information contained in this book is intended to be educational. The author and publisher are in no way liable for any use or misuse of the information.

Editor: Laura Carlsmith
Managing editors: Julie Steigerwaldt and Henry Covi
Proofreaders: Carol Franks and Michael Ashby
Designers: Mary Beth Salmon and Susan Stutz
Composition: William H. Brunson Typography Services

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Medhus, Elisa.
Raising children who think for themselves / Elisa Medhus
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
1. Child rearing. 2. Self-reliance in children. 3. Self-esteem in children. 4. Parent and child. I. Title.
HQ769 .M3873 2001
649.1dc21
00-068076

ISBN-13: 978-1-58270-047-2
ISBN-10: 1-58270-047-8
eISBN-13: 978-1-45163-332-0

First Atria Books / Beyond Words Publishing trade paperback edition

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The corporate mission of Beyond Words Publishing, Inc.:
Inspire to Integrity

Contents

Dedication

Truth resides in every human heart,
and one has to search for it there and
to be guided by the truth as one sees it.
But no one has the right to coerce
others to act according to his
own view of truth.
Mahatma Gandhi

WITH MUCH FONDNESS I dedicate this book to my greatest teachers: my husband, Rune, and my five beautiful children: Kristina, Michelle, Erik, Lukas, and Annika. Filled with eternal optimism, I also dedicate this book to my fellow parents, who, shoulder to shoulder in the foxholes of life, are so willing to struggle and sacrifice for their children to defend the sacred priorities they hold dear. Their dedication, vision, and perseverance give humanity a gift of hope for the future that history has yet to behold.

Acknowledgments

Gratitude is the hearts memory.
French proverb

THROUGH THIS LABOR OF LOVE, I have learned much from so many that have touched and enriched my life. In this wondrous process, I have crossed paths with teachers from many walks of life and from all levels of enlightenment, each with a gift that adds its own special flavor to this books creation.

With profound respect, I give thanks to my mother and father, who never introduced the words cant, limitation, or impossible to my vocabulary.

I am also deeply grateful to my dear friend Sarah, who has taught me the goodness and comfort of a loyal friendship.

I would further like to acknowledge the many sages who, through their writings on parenting and spirituality, have inspired and ignited me.

My deepest love and appreciation go to my oldest sister Teri, who has always been my confidante, my mentor, and my dearest friend.

To my youngest sister Denise, whose spiritual growth gives me pause and loving respect and whose life has taught me so much about love and compassion, I give my undying affection and admiration.

To all of my friends and neighbors who so eagerly listened, supported, and advised me throughout my exploration of parenting.

To Tammy Richards, my PR agent, who, as my second voice, so professionally helps me spread this important message around the globe.

To Cindy Black, Laura Carlsmith, and all of the other wonderful folks at Beyond Words Publishing, whose enthusiasm for this message can be felt throughout these pages and whose expertise promises to mold me into the author I wish to become.

Parents wonder why the stream is bitter,
when they themselves have spoiled the fountain.
John Locke

Introduction

Mountains are removed by first
shoveling away the small stones.
Anonymous

How many of us liken parenthood to a perilous journey? As parents, we are constantly teaching our children to fend off outer evils like drugs, alcohol, gangs, violence, and suicide, as well as helping them sidestep inner pitfalls like cynicism, eating disorders, irresponsibility, and poor impulse control. These dilemmas can sometimes make our childrens future appear downright bleak! In spite of all this, our job is to raise them to be successful, competent, self-confident, and independent.

As a physician, I have been fortunate to be privy to that part of human life to which others have no ready access. Patients could open a window to the world to me through their most intimate thoughts about their and their families lives. What I witnessed over the years fascinated me. On the one hand, I had patients who seemed to have everything, by societys standards anyway. But they were often unsatisfied, frustrated, and depressed, claiming their lives were empty shells. One man, in particular, had several cars, a big yacht, Texas Hill Country property, and a 7,000-square-foot house in an exclusive neighborhood. He was able to dress his family in the finest designer clothes and send his children to the most elite schools. Despite these trappings, his life was a wreck. Two children were unemployed bums high on drugs more often than not, and a third had perished in a tragic accident. Marital emotional support for this poor soul was slim to none, because his relationship with his wife wavered from contentious to hollow. In a nutshell, here was a man who had succeeded in those ways that society had promised would bring him happiness. However, society did not live up to its end of the bargain. Here was a man whose unhappiness was the result of his basing his choices on the outside worlds values instead of on what he felt and reasoned was best for him.

On the other hand was a patient with a lovely wife and six children who were living from hand to mouth in an old trailer home. He was a hardworking, low-wage machinist assistant for an oil tool company, and his hours revolved around the needs of his family, not around his need for image or escape. What a breath of life that family was when they waltzed in and out of my clinic with beaming smiles and sincere appreciation! Between each and every one of them, there were true love and admiration that were mightier than the external influences that could have torn them apart. They didnt care about Guess jeans or Sketchers boots. Attending public school was fine, as far as they were concerned, because both parents felt it was ultimately