Elisa Medhus - Hearing Is Believing: How Words Can Make or Break Our Kids

New World Library
Novato, California

New World Library
14 Pamaron Way
Novato, California 94949

2004 by Elisa Medhus

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, or other without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

Front cover design by Mary Ann Casler

Text design and typography by Tona Pearce Myers

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Medhus, Elisa.

Hearing is believing : how words can make or break our kids / Elisa

Medhus.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN 1-57731-427-1 (pbk. : alk. paper)

1. Child rearing. 2. Communication in the family. 3. Parent and child.

I. Title.

HQ769.M38727 2004

649.1dc22

2004002039

First printing, April 2004

ISBN 1-57731-427-1

Printed in Canada on partially recycled, acid-free paper

Distributed to the trade by Publishers Group West

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m any people do not realize how important the words we choose are to the well-being of our children. Kids who grow up around adults who use communication to foster self-esteem and self-worth are less likely to become addicts or delve into self-destructive behavior, searching for feelings they never felt from their parents, teachers, and clergy. In fact, studies even show they are physically healthier all their lives, too.

Starting in childhood, our connections and relationships are what create our lives and make them meaningful. I come from a minority: those who were loved by their parents, had no problems in school, and got along with God. I respected and loved my parents, and they did the same for their children. Their voices always went with me, and when I made agreements with them, I never broke the faith we shared.

I always tell people if you want to encourage children, say nice things about them to other adults while they are within .

Another important point is that criticism can be helpful, but it has to be constructive, nonjudgmental, and given in the way a coach would criticize a performer to improve his performance. If you say, There is something wrong with you, you are not criticizing the childs actions or skills; you are hurting him. You need to express love to your children even when you might not like their actions, a fact that Elisa Medhus thoroughly explains in this book.

Dont project your faults and problems onto your children. When disputes arise, learn to listen to their criticism and to say, Im sorry. After that, healing can occur and relationships can be strengthened. By not making excuses and by accepting responsibility for your actions, you can teach your children to do the same. One way of doing this is to use the pronoun I when talking about how you feel, rather than blaming them for what you are experiencing. Then you are not criticizing them but expressing your feelings, and they can respond without feeling blamed. Elisa Medhus refers to this as using I statements, and she offers numerous examples to show you how you can adopt this practice yourself.

Heres an example of my own: many years ago when one of our sons was considering buying a motorcycle, I told him about my experience as a surgeon with people who had been in accidents while riding motorcycles. He gave me a hard time, and we debated the topic. I shared from my heart my concerns and how I was sure I would worry each time the phone rang that it might be a call telling me he had been in an accident. After arguing with me and testing me, he went back to his friends, relayed my lecture to them, and told them, no motorcycles.

My family has learned to use certain sayings to communicate the need for change. When I was acting overpowering, my kids would say, Dad, youre not in the operating room now. I would always take a step back after that one. Another example is a phrase my wife uses to quiet me down. (I come from a large, loud family, and sometimes my volume is too much for her.) Because we now have a house full of pets, my wife gets me to lower my volume by saying, Honey, youre frightening the animals.

I also have been known to let my children experience logical consequences, as Elisa Medhus puts it. For example, when my kids were young I would usually refuse to fix or replace things they had broken when roughhousing or fighting. The kids would have to live without the broken things, and this consequence was another effective communication tool.