Hal Edward Runkel - Screamfree parenting: the revolutionary approach to raising your kids by keeping your cool

CONTENTS

To Jenny,
of course.

And to Hannah and to Brandon,
Im thinking two things about you

ScreamFree \'skrem'fr\: learning to relate with others in a calm, cool, and connected way, taking hold of your own emotional responses no matter how anyone else chooses to behave; learning to focus on yourself and take care of yourself for the worlds benefit

How to Read This Book

My goal for this book is simple: to calm the world, one relationship at a time, beginning with your relationships with your kids. I firmly believe that by incorporating the principles outlined here into your way of life, you will begin to enjoy the types of parent-child relationships you have always craved. These are relationships full of joy, cooperation, harmony, and, most of all, mutual respect. Peace in your family is not as far off as you might think.

In order for this book to help you pursue such relationships, I have sought to provide a structure that logically introduces you to the ScreamFree way, one step at a time. At first, some of these principles may seem contrarian, even a bit heretical, for they run counter to a lot of popular teaching. So while you may feel tempted to skim the table of contents and skip forward to a topic that catches your eye, you will get the most out of the book by reading each chapter consecutively.

The book is divided into four parts, with multiple chapters in each. At the conclusion of each part, I tell a true story from the real-life experiences of real people just like you. Some of these stories come from my coaching and/or therapy clients, some from colleagues and/or friends. I am honored and privileged to know and work with some of the most courageous people in the world, folks who choose to invest their time, money, and significant emotional energy in learning to focus on themselves and the way they relate with others. Walking alongside them and watching them revolutionize their relationships in the process is my undeserved blessing.

In each of these stories you will see the power of ScreamFree Parenting in action. Of course, the names and details have been altered to protect confidentiality, but the events are all trueand powerful. I have selected each of these stories because they wonderfully illustrate the principles of the preceding section. As you will see, these stories represent parent-child relationships in various stages of life. While everyones story is different, I know you can find yourself in here somewhere.

Above all, take from this book whatever inspires you to revolutionize your relationships and discard the rest. You do not have to accept all that I say in order to enjoy the types of relationships you crave or become the type of parent you desire to be.

All you have to do, you will see, is learn to keep your cool.

Please e-mail me at feedback@screamfree.com, and let me know how this book intersects with your life. I look forward to hearing from you about your journey with ScreamFree Parenting. Your feedback helps provide the inspiration I use to continue on this journey to calm the world.

PART ONE

Becoming the Cool Parent Your Kids Really Need

Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.

ARNOLD H. GLASGOW, PSYCHOLOGIST

In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul.

LISA T. SHEPHERD, PARENT

E very kid wants to have cool parents. No, this does not mean kids want parents who try to be hip to the latest styles (that makes you decidedly uncool). And contrary to some popular teaching, being a cool parent does not mean being so permissive that you let your kids do whatever they want. What every kid wants are parents who can keep their cool, even when things get hot. Especially when things get hot. Kids want parents who are far less anxious and far more levelheaded than they are. Your kids want you to remain unflappable, even when they flip out.

As it turns out, thats exactly what they need.

Parents everywhere are facing the toughest challenge of their lives: trying to create a loving family environment filled with mutual respect and cooperation. And theyre trying to do this in a culture that celebrates irresponsibility and self-indulgence. Its no wonder parents feel more anxious than ever before. They feel overwhelmed and underappreciated. And I believe they all want help.

I believe parents are searching for someone to present an inspiring vision of how it all could be different.

Parents are searching for someone to present an inspiring vision of how it all could be different. We have heard all sorts of packaged programs delivering fail-proof techniques to raise perfect children. Weve heard about the countless failures of the past two generations while at the same time hearing of the urgent need to return to the good ol days. And most of all, we have been bombarded with the call to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our kids, focus all of our attention on what our kids need, and learn to always be there for them.

Weve heard all of this and more, and its not helping. This call for total self-sacrifice is actually hurting, leaving parents feeling more overwhelmed, more frustrated, and less capable.

So, whats wrong? Or better yet, whats the right direction out of this mess? A few years ago, a brilliant family therapist and rabbi named Edwin Friedman asked a critical question: Whens the last time you saw a parenting book telling parents to focus less on their children?

Well, this may be the first one youve ever seen. ScreamFree Parenting may be the first book youve read that tells all parents to stop orbiting their lives around their children and return the focus to themselves.

So is that the problem, that were too focused on our kids? Absolutely. In a rash reaction to the children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard formula that many of our parents grew up with, we have gone to another extreme, the our-lives-revolve-around-our-children formula. Just look at us chauffeuring our kids from school, to practice, to yet another practice in a minivan with stickers plastered all over it. And whose name is on these stickers? Whose name is emblazoned on this minivan that we paid for? Whether it be an honor student badge or a soccer ball, our kids names tell the whole world who really owns the vehicle. And our lives. And its not good for them or us.

ScreamFree Parenting provides a way out of this mess, a way to restore both parent and child to their rightful places in the home.

Why ScreamFree?

Not all of us scream at our kids. Not all of us struggle with keeping our cool. But all parents do experience, to various levels or degrees, a universal struggle. We all feel incredibly anxious about our kids, and their choices, and we dont know what to do about it. We fret and worry about how our kids will turn out. Inevitably, were so focused on our kids that we dont realize when this anxiety takes overand we get reactive.

ScreamFree Parenting is about calming all of our reactive responses to this anxiety. Its called ScreamFree because screaming is the most popular reaction. But there are other reactions, such as disconnecting ourselves from the situation. Or beginning to overcompensate (ever pick up after your kids because youre so tired of battling them about it?). Some of us just give upand keep giving in.