Nicole Schwarz - It Starts with You: How Imperfect Parents Can Find Calm and Connection with Their Kids

Praise for It Starts with You

The guidebook parents need to end generational patterns, silence shame, and parent from a grace-based perspective.

Kim Lange, MA, LCMHC, founder of Emotionanigans and Growing Up Confident

A must-have resource for parents.... With a gentle, steady handnever shaming, never blamingNicole Schwarz teaches what she calls parenting grace, a connection-based approach to calm, compassionate parenting.

Dawn Huebner, PhD, author of The Sibling Survival Guide and What to Do When You Worry Too Much

This heartfelt book is not about adding more to your parenting to-do list but rather about where to put your energy so that it truly counts. With great warmth and wisdom, this book weaves together personal stories, science, and practical tips.

Ashley Sderlund, PhD, creator of Nurture and Thrive

In her engaging and honest writing style, Nicole Schwarz helps parents get out of the shame spiral and focus on the power of grace when raising their children. The focus is on connection, not perfection, which is a breath of fresh air!

Janine Halloran, LMHC, founder of Coping Skills for Kids

It Starts with You belongs on every nightstand. Instead of creating unrealistic ideals that are useless in the real world, Schwarz gives parents real and actionable ways to change their own behavior, embrace their imperfections, and improve their parenting skills.

Traci Smith, author of Faithful Families: Creating Sacred Moments at Home

It Starts with You is like having a knowledgeable, supportive friend walking along with you through your parenting journey. Instead of focusing on hacks or tricks, Schwarz focuses on parents and their emotional background.

Amy Webb, PhD, writer at The Thoughtful Parent

Nicole Schwarz, LMFT

Broadleaf Books

Minneapolis

IT STARTS WITH YOU

How Imperfect Parents Can Find Calm and Connection with Their Kids

Copyright 2022 Nicole Schwarz. Printed by Broadleaf Books, an imprint of 1517 Media. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Email or write to Permissions, Broadleaf Books, PO Box 1209, Minneapolis, MN 55440-1209.

Cover design and illustration: Natalya Balnova

Print ISBN: 978-1-5064-7247-8

eBook ISBN: 978-1-5064-7248-5

While the author and 1517 Media have confirmed that all references to website addresses (URLs) were accurate at the time of writing, URLs may have expired or changed since the manuscript was prepared.

To my daughters

Raising children is a beautiful, joyful, sometimes overwhelming and pressure-filled journey, and one that we all embark on with the highest of hopes and a good deal of preparation. Filled to the brim with nearly equal amounts of love and anxiety, we read, research, and nest our way through months of anticipation, only to learn that nothing at all could have truly prepared us for parenthood. Each child comes to us with a unique soul, and there are no how-to books or manuals for how to guide that particular, unique child to adulthood successfully. How could there be? This child has never existed before.

In truth, if your child had come with a manual, it would have likely been a disservice to you because it would have kept you stuck on a predestined path with no curiosity or room to grow. When we get right down to it, so much of our parenting journey is about growthnot just the childs but, importantly, our own as well. Parenthood is the sacred ground where we get to rise to our own potential. On this journey, we are able to examine ourselves and our stories, trim away the beliefs and habits which do not serve us, and come out the other side wholly changed. To do that, we will need to hold hands with others who inspire and teach us along the way.

This is how I first came across the compassionate wisdom of Nicole Schwarz. She has been a guiding light for parents for many years, and I was drawn to not only her practical positive parenting advice, but her gentle and inspiring tone. Schwarz understands that there is no magic trick for how to raise children but that connection, empathy, and heaping doses of compassion are the keys to a happier parenting journey. All change begins within. In It Starts with You, she has beautifully woven this practical advice together with her inspirational voice and abundant compassion to bring you a book that feels like a warm embrace from a beloved friend.

In the opening chapters, you will quickly see that this is not a parenting book that demands perfection in its techniques or that promises lofty results. Rather, Schwarz gently encourages you to do the self-work necessary to show up at your best for your child. Early on in the very first chapter, she takes your hand and comes alongside you to discuss important topics that weigh heavily on the hearts of parents like shame and imperfection. She shows you how to adopt a grace-based mindset, to see mistakes as part of the learning process, and how to parent from a healthier, more realistic perspective.

Self-work is some of the most important work of parenthood. Until we understand our strengths and weaknesses, our origins of beliefs, and our own feelings and behaviors, it is difficult to show up with grace and intention. So, in chapters two and three, you will begin the process of self-reflection, owning your own behavior, and taking responsibility for your story. Knowing yourself and why you respond the way you do will help you be a better parent, and Schwarz helps you explore your parenting story and rewrite old narratives that currently limit you. Most parents pick up parenting books to help fix their childs behavior not realizing that their own behavior often needs fixing first. It can be uncomfortable work, but Schwarz lovingly guides you through it with her professional knowledge and personal empathy.

Understanding and managing emotions is work we all want our children to do, but to teach them how to do this effectively, we must become good at it ourselves. The following two chapters will help you explore your emotions. Schwarz walks you through exploring your feelings and how to playfully explore them with your kids. Its okay to feel all of your emotions and to allow your child to feel them, too. Your child doesnt need a robot parent, but someone who models emotional regulation. She shows you how to do just that while understanding that no parent is going to do it perfectly every time, and so youll learn what to do when you make a mistake to repair the relationship and reestablish connection.

Many times, a childs behavior is not a result of ill will but of immaturity. In my own work, Ive seen how understanding your childs brain development greatly improves empathy and understanding. Chapters 6 through 10 teach you must-know information about the functions of the brain. Dont worry if this sounds overwhelming. You dont need to be a neuroscientist to be a good parent! Understanding your childs behavior and your own responses starts with understanding the basics of how the brain works, and Schwarz provides simple and easy to understand information about how the brain functions. Youll learn how to identify stressors and how to manage your stress response, and in turn, youll know how to help your child do the same.

Because healthy brains need healthy connections, this book will teach you how to use calmness and connection to help your childs brain wire together optimally. Schwarz shows you how to make real life connections to consistently remind your kids that they belong. Youll learn how to figure out what makes each of your children feel love and connected, and armed with this knowledge, youll see your relationships flourish.