Lea Page - Parenting in the Here and Now: Realizing the Strengths You Already Have

Once upon a time there was a mom, and every day she started over.

Every day she tried to live up to the image she had created for herself until one day she woke up and saw herself and her children without the haze of hope or wish or expectation or fear or disappointment, just saw them with clear eyes, with recognition, and because of that, the way was clear. There were no comparisons and no judgments, no shoulds and no fear. She moved forward with clarity and confidence, and her children walked beside her. She realized that she had all she needed. Whatever might come her way, in her path, she had the eyes to see it, the language to speak to it and the strength to meet it.

The moral of the story: You are already enough. Remove a few obstacles and the path is clear.

Are you going to be transformed by this book? I hope not. Heres why: this book is about how to use what you already have within you to be a more effective parent. It is not about remaking you into a different person.

Many of us parents wish to be transformed, some even believing that raising children is, in itself, a transformational experience. Certainly, we learn and grow ourselves as we nurture our children from infancy to adulthood. The desire to be transformed shows a willingness to sacrifice oneself, and it embodies the true depth of commitment parents have toward their children and the heights to which they will strive.

But the desire also harbors a hidden roadblock, which is the idea that you have to be some better version of who you are now. We are lured into thinking that we (and our children) are in a process of becoming better, that each step takes us onward toward a more perfect self. This idea leads to false conclusions. It implies that we somehow are not our true selves from the beginning.

Is the seed somehow less than the flower? It may have a different form, sure, but its essence is the same. It simply hasnt lived its whole life yet. Can we really say that the seed doesnt contain the flower? I dont think so. It is more that we cant see the flower yet. Every stage we go through is a necessary step in the unfolding of our selves. Be reassured that the parenting challenges you are facing right now are, simply, the fertile ground that will support that growth.

It is true that it can sometimes be worth trying new ways of doing. There are some changes that can make daily life with children run more smoothly and that might reduce your stress levels. We will talk about those things shortly, but they have nothing to do with changing who you are. That is most emphatically not the point. It is said that all we really have to offer at the end of the day after dinner has been made, eaten and cleared away, after squabbles have been settled and laundry folded (or not!) after all that, what we have left to offer is who we are. Yes, this is so. But why then would we substitute who we might be for who we are right now? Ought the seedling feel inadequate for not being in flower or fruit? Why strive towards being some imagined superior ideal?

Does this mean that you should never try to reach for the stars, never strive? No, not at all. It means that you can do all you want with who you are now. Rather than trying to perfect yourself by ignoring or denying some parts and accentuating others, aim to be more of who you are, not less. Instead of being selfless or selfish, be self-full. Allow yourself the full measure of your being. This will enable you to harness capacities that you did not know you possessed, so that no matter what comes your way, you will be able to recognize it, understand it and deal with it as you must.

The Pythagoreans, the great thinkers of ancient Greece, did not carve Man, improve thyself above the door to their place of study. Their words were: Man, know thyself; then thou shalt know the Universe and God. The key to raising children is learning to see clearly and with imagination. It is uncovering and recognizing the whole self: our own whole selves and our childrens. I dont mean that we are searching for a self that is whole. I mean that we are aiming to find the whole self: the sparks of uniqueness, the beauty and the strengths, and, as well, the flaws and the black holes that seem to always be hungry. For there is meaning to be found in all of it. Setting aside dreams of perfection in order to search out the true self unlocks the door to understanding, and, with that, parents can make better choices about how to proceed in any situation.