Hal Runkel - Screamfree Parenting, 10th Anniversary Revised Edition: How to Raise Amazing Adults by Learning to Pause More and React Less

Please forgive the cheesy line, but I cannot believe its been ten years. Actually its been longer than that. This book was originally published back in the fall of 2007, but I first started penning these principles about sixteen years ago. Back then, I was a brand-new therapist, and a relatively new dad, and I became determined to create a parenting plan to help us all find a new kind of peace and happiness.

Truth be told, though, I think I needed to help myself most of all. See, I was not born a naturally ScreamFree parent. Just the opposite, it seems. My natural inclination is to get riled up over the smallest things, then either loudly lash out or shut myself down and sulk. I can be both openly aggressive and passive-aggressive, and that makes me guilty of at least two different forms of screaming.

ScreamFree Parenting was not just a pet project to get my name out there as a relationship expert; it was a lifesaving discovery that helped turn this natural, immature screamer into a halfway decent father. And it all started with a scary scene when my daughter, Hannah, was just a few months old. Ive actually never told this story in public, but I will here because I want all of us natural screamers to know were not alone, were not bad people, and we can, through ScreamFree parenting, learn to lead calmer, happier lives.

Back in graduate school, I was a stay-at-home dad for a while with our daughter, Hannah. My wife had to finish out her teaching contract that year, so I got the privilege of being the primary daily caregiver for that time. An amazing opportunity for me, to be sure, but also incredibly difficult work.

This was especially so because somehow we brought the worlds most colicky baby into our home. No matter what we did, our precious little angel was absolutely miserable, and inconsolable, for several hours every day. (Inconveniently, these were usually hours when my wife was not at home!)

While most days I could handle this exhausting challenge, one day I couldnt. There I was, bouncing my screaming baby in my arms for the third hour in a row, and I lost it. I stormed into her room and dropped her into her crib. Now, she landed safely on a pillow, but this was the roughest I had ever treated her. And the worst I had ever spoken to her. See, as I dropped her I found myself screaming through gritted teeth: Shuuuuut the ______ uuuuuppppp! Were talking an obscenity-laden, forehead-veins-popping outburst. (Hannah, if youre reading this, please forgive me.)

I had allowed myself to become completely flooded with frustration, and I was unable to fully control my impulses, so there I was, cursing at my precious baby girl. It remains, to this day, my lowest moment as a parent.

What happened next, however, changed everything. Remember, I was in graduate school learning to become a family therapist, so I had begun a basic education in things like child abuse. Perhaps this is what helped me pause at that moment and noticemy hands. After I dropped her, and while still screaming, my hands had formed a choking gesture right above my precious daughter.

This is how shaken baby syndrome happens, I thought to myself. This is how parents abuse their kids.

With that realization, I backed away from the crib. I walked out of her room, through the living room, and even out the door of our tiny rented duplex. Hannah was still crying, but I knew she was safe in her crib. I also knew she was safer with me outside for the moment.

With the fresh, cool air in my face, I could feel tears on my cheeks, and I actually spoke aloud to the heavens, hoping God or anyone else would listen.

I dont know what I am gonna do from here on out, but I know I am not going to do that.

It was among those very few moments we all have in our lives when we simply know a page has turned, and a behavior no longer makes sense. I just somehow eliminated screaming at my child as an option, and it became part of my identity, like my dark brown hair and my American citizenship.

Now, I had no idea at the time I would create some new parenting program called ScreamFree. That wouldnt come till three or four years later. And honestly, I didnt really think about this initial event when I first started using the term ScreamFree.

But Id be silly to think that fateful day in my daughters infancy wasnt the beginning of this whole thing. By eliminating that kind of scream-filled emotional reactivity from my parenting repertoire, I was forced to come up with some other creative ways to parent. I was forced to make my own emotional management my number-one priority.

ScreamFree Parenting may not have been delivered then, but it was definitely conceived that day. And I cannot overestimate how much it has shaped every facet of my parenting life ever since. What has been my undeserved honor is seeing how much the ScreamFree mindset has shaped other parents lives as well.