Hal Runkel - ScreamFree Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer

Also by Hal Runkel

ScreamFree Parenting:
The Revolutionary Approach to
Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool

Copyright 2011 by ScreamFree Omnimedia, LLC

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Crown Archetype, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

CROWN ARCHETYPE and colophon are trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Runkel, Hal Edward.

Screamfree marriage : calming down, growing up, and getting closer / Hal Edward Runkel, with Jenny Runkel. 1st ed.
p. cm.
1. Marital conflict. 2. MarriagePsychological aspects. 3. Married peoplePsychology. 4. Marital quality. I. Runkel, Jenny. II. Title. III. Title: Scream free marriage.

HQ734.R798 2010
646.78dc22

2010020100

eISBN: 978-0-7679-3279-0

Jacket design by Fritz Miller Studios

v3.1

Dedicated to
Jon Kaplan

Youre more than just a business partner and dear friend;
youre a brother who, in so many ways,
makes my life, and this ScreamFree mission, possible.

Preface: Hold OnThis May Not Be the
Marriage Book for You

Appendix A: Theres More Than One Way
to Scream

Appendix B: Should I Stay or
Should I Go?

ScreamFree: \skrmfr\: learning to relate with others in a calm, cool, and connected way, taking hold of your own emotional responses no matter how anyone else chooses to behave; learning to focus on yourself and take care of yourself for the worlds benefit.

I used to believe that marriage would diminish me,
reduce my optionsthat you had to be someone less
to live with someone else when, of course,
you have to be someone more.
CANDICE BERGEN

W hy did you pick up this book?

There may be a number of reasons. You may be engaged or newly married, and youve just started reading every marriage book on the planet. Perhaps youve got a great marriage and want to keep it that way. Maybe you enjoyed reading my first book, ScreamFree Parenting, and youre hoping to apply those same calming principles to your marriage. Or perhaps, and perhaps most importantly, you may really be hurting. You may believe youre in the worst marriage ever, or at least believe that yours is worse than ever. And you may be desperately searching for some guidance and some hope.

Whatever your motivation for reading these pages, I have one request at this point: Hold on. This may not be the book for you. Thats because this is not your ordinary marriage book. This is probably the first marriage book youve seen that says much of what you have been taught about marriagehow it works and how to make it betteris not only wrong, but actually harmful. And this is definitely the first marriage book youve ever seen that says the best thing you can do for your marriage is to become more self-centered, learning to focus less on your spouse and more on yourself for the benefit of you both.

I know that sounds at best bold, and at worst arrogantly insensitive. Your pain and desire for real improvement are probably speaking louder than any words I may say here. In fact, you may think theres no way I can understand all that youve been through, or all youre going through, just to make your marriage work day by day.

And youd be right.

I do not know you personally, and I cannot ever fully know your plight. No one can. But my highest recommendation to you still remains the samehold on.

Hold on to your present marital state as it is right now. If youre happily or unhappily married or just beginning to wonder which. If youre single and searching or single again and searching again. If youre in the process of separation, and headed toward divorce court. Stop whatever youre doing, and just hold on. I believe that the vision for marriage Im presenting here is so potentially life-changing for you that Im asking you to cease doing anything further about your situation, at least until you hear me out.

What Im offering here is an invitation to let go of the damaging lies about marriage, and then behold some fundamental truths. Truths such as:

• If Youre Not Under Control, You Cannot Be In Connection, because the greatest barriers to true connection with your spouse are not busy schedules or incompatible interests. The greatest barrier to real connection is your own screaming, your own emotional reactivity. Thus, learning to pause and think clearly is the absolute first, and best, step toward true intimacy. And
• Its Not What You Have in Common, Its What You Have Inside, because reliance on common interests and compatibility is the foundation for a superficial friendship, whereas reliance on personal integrity in the midst of constant change is the foundation for a deep, lasting marriage. And
• The Only Communication Skill You Need to Learn Is Authentic Self-Representation (ASR), because connection is not about using some artificial active listening technique. True connection is about fully representing your self (your thoughts, your preferences, your positions, your intentions) in word and action so that, at the very least, your partner has a chance to know you. And
• Its Better to Get Rubbed the Wrong Way than Never to Get Rubbed at All, because in-your-face conflict is always a better path to true intimacy than cold avoidance, especially if you want to experience truly heartfelt connection (and possibly even mind-blowing, scream-filled sex). And
• If You Want a Warm Marriage, You Have to Walk through Fire