Harley - He wins, she wins: learning the art of marital negotiation

N ever do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) is simply a rule to help couples remember that just about everything they do affects each other. And their wisest choices are those that take each others feelings and interests into account. In other words, win-win outcomes in marital problem-solving are far superior to win-lose outcomes. The POJA reminds couples of that fact.

When a mutually enthusiastic agreement is reached, everyone would agree that a couple has discovered an ideal outcome. But anyone who has had a marital conflict knows all too well that enthusiastic agreements are often difficult to discover. And the default condition, never do anything, can sometimes have very unpleasant, if not disastrous, consequences.

With those dangerous consequences in mind, I recommend a sensible exception: the POJA should not be followed if doing nothing puts the health or safety of a spouse at risk. When a spouse is being subjected to physical or emotional abuse, infidelity, or abandonment, it makes no sense to follow this rule. Self-protection trumps thoughtfulness in those cases.

If a spouse is the victim of physical abuse, that spouse should report the abuse to authorities and separate for his or her own protection, even if the abusing spouse does not agree to that response. The same can be said in the case of infidelity or drug addiction. Some of the most effective ways to treat those problems and provide protection are usually opposed by the unfaithful or addicted spouse.

But in addition to health and safety issues, there is also another situation in marriage where a temporary suspension of the Policy of Joint Agreement can make sense: when you are trying to find a way to meet each others most important emotional needs.

What should you do when your spouse has an emotional need that you are not enthusiastic about meeting? Does the POJA get you off the hook? Or are you obligated to meet each others important emotional needs even if you are not enthusiastic about it?

The answers to these questions are found in understanding the purpose of the Policy of Joint Agreement. Its a rule to help you resolve conflicts with mutual care and consideration. The default condition, dont do anything, is not designed to be a permanent solution to any marital problem. It is what you do while you are trying to discover a solution.

If youve read my book His Needs, Her Needs , you already know that I put a great deal of emphasis on spouses meeting each others most important emotional needs. Failing to do so should not be an option in marriage. But I also emphasize the importance of meeting each others emotional needs with mutual enthusiastic agreement. So what should a spouse do when he or she does not enjoy meeting an emotional need? The solution may require doing something reluctantly on a trial basis as part of a plan to find an enjoyable outcome. But the trial should not persist very long. Either it should show promise almost immediately, or the couple should go back to brainstorming for other methods.