Willard F. Jr. Harley - Surviving an Affair

I f you are a victim of infidelity, you have been on the emotional roller-coaster ride of your life. Most couples caught up in the tragedy of an affair tell us that they have never felt such intense emotions. They are overwhelmed by anger, depression, fear, guilt, loneliness, and shame.

A betrayed spouse will ask, How could my spouse do this to mecheating on me, lying to me over and over again? I can never trust my spouse again. I have so much anger and resentment it scares me. My feelings go way beyond hurtI cant even put into words the pain Im feeling.

A wayward spouse often says, I used to beg my spouse for more attention but I never beg anymoremy lover gives me all the attention I need. But I dont know if the attention Im getting is worth the price. One moment Im sure Ive done the right thing. Then I look into the faces of my spouse and children and Im not sure anymore. I dont want to give up my family, but if I give up my lover Ill be losing the best thing that ever happened to me. What should I do? Im an emotional wreck!

When a couple feels such strong emotions, many question if marital reconciliation is possible. How can we ever recover from such pain? And even if we recover, can we live with the memory of betrayal? Can we ever trust each other again? Can we ever love each other again?

As marriage counselors we have been asked these questions thousands of times and have been able to respond with a definite yes . Let us assure you that if you put into practice what we recommend in this book, the prognosis for the future of your marriage is very good.

In the pages that follow, we use I to refer to either of us as we describe our experiences and counsel.

Its Hard to Believe That Marital Recovery Is Possible after an Affair

When I first counseled spouses who were trapped in an affair, I thought I would be preparing them for divorce. But to my surprise, again and again I saw opportunities to save marriages. Infidelity did not necessarily cause either the betrayed spouse or the wayward spouse to want a divorce. Often what they both wanted was to escape the pain of their mistake and create a thriving marriage.

So that became my missionto help couples recover from the disaster of an affair and create a fulfilling marriage that would prevent any future affairs. Unfortunately, my early attempts to save these marriages failed because I wasnt listening.

In case after case, the unfaithful spouse told me that they had lost their love in marriage and had found it in another relationship. They felt that they had to choose between a passion-filled affair and a loveless marriage. Initially, I ignored the obvioushelping them to create a passion-filled marriageand instead focused on communication training that did little to create the passion they had experienced in the affair.

The betrayed spouse was equally pessimistic about creating a passion-filled marriage. After going through the worst experience of their life, they certainly were not feeling very passionate. It was all they could do to just hang on for the sake of their children.

Eventually, I came to understand that if I were to save these marriages, I would need to help couples recreate the passion they once had for each other. Once they were in love, the horror of the affair would fade away and the risk of divorce would end.

When spouses are in love with each other, they never divorce. Never! So it certainly makes sense to teach spouses how to fall in love and stay in love with each other. And thats what my program of recovery achieves. If you follow it, I guarantee that you will be in love with each other. And when you are in love, you will not even consider a divorce.

Ever since I began helping these tormented couples fall in love with each other and protect their marriage from any future affair, Ive witnessed the recovery of thousands of marriages. But the path that leads to recovery is very narrow, and unless couples follow that path, the tragedy of an affair can permanently cripple a marriage and often leads to the further tragedy of divorce.

If you are a wayward spouse or a betrayed spouse, you may be undecided as to what to do next. One moment you want to divorce your spouse, and the next you want to try to reconcile. Thats the way most people in your situation feel because there are advantages and disadvantages to both choices. Divorce carries with it the destruction of a family and the loss of a spouse you may still care for, yet reconciliation means you will be living with the scars of betrayal and the risk of another affair. Your emotional reactions may be so strong that you simply cannot make the choice right now.

Even if you have decided that marital reconciliation is impossible, or if its only you or only your spouse who wants to survive the affair and restore your marriage, I would like you to consider my strategy for recovery. It has proven successful for thousands of couples in hundreds of cultures around the world, and once you understand its objectives, you may be willing to try it. My plan is that narrow path that gets you beyond the affair, helps you make your marriage better than its ever been, and protects you from future affairs.

You Can Do Better than SurviveYour Marriage Can Thrive

There is hope for the recovery of your marriage, and thousands of couples have proven it. When you complete my program for reconciliation, you will have the marriage you have always wantedone that is filled with love and compatibility.

But before I tell you about my plan for recovery, you need to know some of the common characteristics of affairs. I want to tell you about Jon and Sue. Their situation may be different from yours, but it illustrates some of the basic elements of most affairs. Like so many couples, Jon and Sue thought it could never happen to them.