Rona B. Subotnik - Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering From the Pain

Surviving
Infidelity

3RD EDITION

Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain

Rona B. Subotnik, L.M.F.T.
and
Gloria G. Harris, Ph.D.

Adams Media
Avon, Massachusetts

Copyright 2005 Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be
reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher;
exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Second edition 1999 Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris
First edition 1994 Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris

Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-480-8
ISBN 10: 1-59337-480-1
eISBN: 978-1-44052-095-2

Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Subotnik, Rona B.
Surviving infidelity / Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris.3rd ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 1-59337-480-1
1. Adultery. 2. Marriage. I. Harris, Gloria G. II. Title.
HQ806.S89 2005
306.736dc22
2004030876

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

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CONTENTS

C HAPTER 2: A FFAIRS W ITHOUT T OUCHING:
A RE T HEY C HEATING?

P REFACE

Surviving Infidelity is a book for women and men whose lives have been disrupted by infidelity. We have written this book to help our readers cope with extramarital involvement, to learn more about its dynamics, and to understand the accompanying web of feelings, thoughts, and actions. For thousands of years and continuing to the present, the marriage contracts of Judeo-Christian cultures have prohibited extramarital sex. Whether two people commit to each other through marital vows or by solemn promises, sex with another person causes emotional pain to the betrayed and harms the relationship.

Because infidelity can be devastating to marriage, it is important to resolve the crisis and rebuild the relationship whenever possible. The first choice for accomplishing this is to work with a therapist. However, for many couples, this is not always an option, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes finances or embarrassment may prevent them from finding help. Often the unfaithful partner does not want to come for counseling. This book has been written to help those individuals who may be trying to work out their problems without professional help.

Much of what we discuss in Surviving Infidelity has been drawn from our combined clinical experience as psychotherapists as well as from pertinent research by our colleagues. In the safety of the therapy session, we have heard about pain and seen the disruption to families caused by infidelity. Because extramarital sex still plays a role in the dissolution of many marriages, and because the divorce rate continues to be high, it is important to know more about it.

In most cases our goal is to keep the marriage together. We view infidelity from a family perspective that takes into account the complexity of each persons past and current history as well as the social context. Our hope is to help you heal the wounds of infidelity and to strengthen the relationship.

Rona B. Subotnik is a marriage and family therapist. Gloria Harris is a clinical psychologist. Together we have witnessed the impact of infidelity on the lives of hundreds of women and men whom we have counseled, both individually and in groups. When cases have been used, we have disguised the identities of our clients.

Let us begin with some definitions. Adultery can be either a legal or religious term defined as sexual relations with someone other than ones spouse. Infidelity literally means unfaithfulness or disloyalty. It is the breaking of a promise or vow. An affair is defined as an illicit amorous relationship or liaison. We all have heard expressions like messing around, fooling around, wandering,straying, and a little on the side. Because they are used lightly, these expressions tend to minimize or ignore the seriousness of the infidelity and camouflage the emotional pain it causes.

Cheating, another commonly used term, is defined as depriving someoneof something expected. Because the spouse is unaware of the infidelity, the couple is deprived of sharing experiences and building memories together. This creates a relationship based on deceit and dishonesty.

The first part of this book is called Understanding Infidelity. In it we explore the various types of affairs and the reasons why they are likely to happen. It is important for you to know that not all affairs are the same. We have presented four basic types of affairs, which fall along a continuum according to the offending spouses degree of emotional investment in the third party. Understanding what type of extramarital involvement is involved will tell you how serious it is. Knowing the reasons why affairs occur will give you information about causes and help you resolve the crisis in your marriage. Unfaithful spouses lie about affairs for a variety of reasons. You will also find material on the impact on your marriage of revealing the truth.

The second part of the book, Coping and Healing, provides you with some important skills for dealing with the blow. We present a cognitive approach based on the principle that by changing the way you interpret and view your situation, you can influence the way you feel, make wiser decisions, and act more productively. Over the past decades, cognitive therapy has become one of the fastest-growing and most effective approaches to treating human problems. In this part of the book we will aid you in your grief work and present ways to cope with your pain, rage, and jealousy.

In the third part of the book, Resolving the Marital Crisis, we help you and your partner repair your relationship and aid you in letting go of hurt and resentment. We try to make it possible for you eventually to put your spouses infidelity behind you and develop a stronger relationship.

There are also other alternatives. In some marriages the betrayed partner will choose to tolerate the infidelity. For others, separation or divorce will be selected as the most desirable option. We will present factors for you to consider as you make your decision either to continue or to end your marriage.