Steven D. Solomon, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in couples therapy. He has been in private practice in La Jolla, CA, for more than twenty years. He is a founding director of the Relationship Institute and past president of the San Diego Psychological Association, the United Jewish Federation of San Diego County, and Hillel of San Diego. He and his wife, Esther, have been married for twenty-one years and are the very proud parents of their son, Lewis.
Lorie J. Teagno, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist in La Jolla, CA, where she has worked in private practice for more than twenty years. A founding director of The Relationship Institute, she has been an adjunct lecturer at United States International University. She has provided training for many therapists in couples counseling.
Solomon and Teagno have done an exquisite job bringing hope into darkness. They provide the education, skills and rationale for staying the course when everything seems bleak. Allow them to lead you in overcoming betrayal and reconnecting with the one you love.
Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., codirector of the Couples Institute and author of Tell Me No Lies
Intimacy After Infidelity is loaded with practical exercises and concrete advice that will help partners construct a strong and resilient relationship after an affair. Couples struggling with issues of trust and forgiveness will find it immediately useful.
Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You?
Intimacy After Infidelity is clear, informative, challenging, and smartand most of all a tremendous source of hope for all couples who have endured the trauma of infidelity. The authors interweave sound theory, clinical stories, and structured exercises to help couples understand what the hell went wrong and why. And they give couples tools to pick up the pieces and (if they can commit to maturely facing the fear, loneliness, and anger) put this relationship back together again actually better and more truly intimate than ever before. I highly recommend this book!
David B. Wexler, Ph.D., author of When Good Men Behave Badly and Is He Depressed or What?, and executive director of the Relationship Training Institute
For those courageous souls who wish to repair, rebuild, and rejoin after an infidelity, this wonderfully wise guide can be a gift to your emerging new relationship. Developing new skills and knowledge is essential when you travel over emotionally painful terrain. This book is a trusty companion for your journey.
Peter Pearson, Ph.D., cofounder of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA
A must read for everyone going through the pain of infidelity as well as for everyone who wants to improve his or her marriage full of sound, practical advice on how to improve your marriage no matter what the obstacles.
Clo Madanes, president of the Robbins-Madanes Center for Strategic Intervention
Publishers Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright 2006 by Steven Solomon and Lorie Teagno
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Michele Waters-Kermes; Acquired by Catharine Sutker
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Solomon, Steven D.
Intimacy after infidelity : how to rebuild and affair-proof your marriage / Steven D. Solomon and Lorie J. Teagno.
p. cm.
epub ISBN: 9781608829682
1. Adultery. 2. Marriage. 3. Man-woman relationships. I. Teagno, Lorie J. II. Title.
HQ806.S29 2006
306.736dc22
2006024435
To our wonderful spouses, Esther and Mike
contents
acknowledgments
We want to express our deep gratitude to Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson for teaching us so much about helping couples. They are wonderful models of truly gifted couples therapists. They lit the way for us and for that we will always be thankful.
From the moment she heard us give a presentation on infidelity at a California Psychological Association convention, Catharine Sutker at New Harbinger Publications has been so helpful and supportive to us. This book is in large part a product of her encouragement and guidance. We also want to thank Holly Taines White and Carole Honeychurch, whose editing skills made such a difference in polishing the finished product.
We would be remiss not to thank the hundreds of clients who have shared their emotional and relationship lives with us and trusted us to help them find their paths. Our work with them has been mutually beneficial: while we have been privileged to show them new ways to love and be loved, their strength and resilience have enriched us and they have taught us the value of emotional intimacy in all relationships.
We also want to express our appreciation for the encouragement, understanding, and love we have received from our fantastic children, Lewis, Amy, Gracie, Adam, and Aaron. Not only were they patient during the many hours we spent immersed in writing, but each in their own way has taught us so much about love, commitment, and mutual relationship work.
Most importantly, we both know that this book would never have been written were it not for the love and support of our wonderful spouses, Esther and Mike. They have taught us so much about intimacy, about the strength that comes from love, and about the ongoing work that enables Long-Term Love Relationships to flourish.
We are truly blessed to have had so many people help us grow and learn about love and intimacy. This book is an effort to share these lessons with others.
introduction
the shock of discovery
Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace. Amelia Earhart
Were so, so sorry.
Its excruciating. The one person in the world whom you placed your trust in above all others, the one person in the world whose love you relied on, has horribly betrayed your trust and love.
There are very few things in life that are as painful as what you are experiencing right now. If you have recently discovered the infidelity, if you just learned the depth and extent of your partners betrayal(s), you are likely undergoing the agony of a broken heart. If youre like most people, right now youre probably having some of these feelings: at times your chest hurts, you feel sick to your stomach, you cant eat, and you have trouble sleeping. You cant stop having these horrible thoughts of him with another woman, images that are knives in your heart. Maybe youre filled with white-hot rage. Or you may simply have picked up this book to determine if leaving the relationship after his betrayal is the right decision for you.
However youre experiencing the pain of your partners betrayal, one of the worst things is that not only is your relationship shattered, if not destroyed, but his unfaithfulness also damages how you feel about yourself. You start questioning your worth and attractiveness, doubting your ability to wisely choose a partner, and wondering whether you are or can ever be a good partner. And, if that isnt hurtful and disorienting enough, you start to wonder whether you are even lovable or deserving of love.
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