Liz Currin - The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity: The Support You Need to Rebuild Trust and Reclaim Your Relationship

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Copyright 2012 by Liz Currin

All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of information contained herein. For information, address Alpha Books, 800 East 96th Street, Indianapolis, IN 46240.

International Standard Book Number: 978-1-61564-119-2
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2011910188

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This book is dedicated to my loving husband, Tom. His faith in me and support of this project have made this a labor of love. This book is but one of a number of grand adventures weve shared in our precious time together.

This book is also most lovingly dedicated to my daughters, Elyse and Sarah. They are my inspiration and my beautiful shining stars.

Introduction

This book is about a topic that makes most adults in committed relation-ships very uncomfortable. Its about infidelity. For those of us who have stood before family, friends, and clergy, and have taken a vow to forsake all others, til death do us part, the thought of our spouse becoming intimately involved with someone else may be almost incomprehensible. Many of us approach the subject with a sort of nave assumption that infidelity is someone elses problem. It couldnt possibly happen to us. We dont enter into marriage thinking that one or both of us will cheat. And yet thats exactly what the statistics tell us may well happen.

Infidelity and divorce are, to a large extent, a numbers game. Take the case of divorce, for example. It is widely held that approximately half the marriages in this country end in divorce. Reliable numbers for infidelity are hard to come by, for statistical and other reasons. Infidelity is by its very nature a secretive enterprise. People are generally reluctant to admit to it, except in rare circumstances. Either their betrayal is discovered, or they become so wracked with guilt that they feel compelled to confess. Perhaps they seek confidential help from a therapist, uncertain as to how they feel about either the marriage, the affair, or both. Perhaps they participate anonymously in an online survey or take part in a research study. And for everyone who engages in infidelity and either admits it or is caught, there are those whose infidelity never comes to light.

Infidelity author Peggy Vaughan estimates that 50 to 65 percent of men
and 45 to 55 percent of women will engage in adultery before the age
of 40. Other sources put the numbers as high as 75 percent for men and
60 percent for women. And while precise numbers are elusive, the estimates make it clear that infidelity is a significant factor in American marriageand divorce. Some sources point to adultery as being responsible for
65 percent of divorces, while others suggest that couples are more likely to simply drift apart over time. When this happens, a marriage becomes more vulnerable to infidelity, and so affairs may be more likely to occur in the waning days of a marriage. In this situation, placing blame on an affair for the dissolution of a marriage may not be entirely accurate. Instead, the marriage was virtually over, due to a variety of circumstances, and the affair was not to blame, but rather was more symptomatic of the very fragile state of the marriage. However, many of these relationship forces act simultaneously or overlap, and it becomes impossible to point to a single event or cause of a divorce.

How are we to make sense of this? We pledge one thing when we join our lives with another, and we intend to honor that commitment. We certainly expect our partner to honor his or her promise to be faithful. Americans are among the most conservative of nations when it comes to attitudes about extramarital sex. In a survey of attitudes toward nonmarital sex in 24 countries, researchers found that 80 percent of Americans thought sex outside marriage was always wrong, compared with 68 percent of Canadians and 36 percent of Russians (Widmer, Treas, & Newcomb, 1998). And yet, years, or perhaps only months, later many of us will find ourselves behaving differently. We will violate those vows which signaled the beginning of happily ever after. So clearly, we believe and hope for one marital scenario, but all too often find ourselves confronted with another.