Weiss - Out of the doghouse: a step-by-step relationship-saving guide for men caught cheating

OUT OF THE
DOGHOUSE

A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide
for Men Caught Cheating

ROBERT WEISS, LCSW, CSAT-S

Foreword by Dan Griffin, MA

Health Communications, Inc.

Deerfield Beach, Florida

www.hcibooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available through the Library of Congress

2017 Robert Weiss

ISBN-13: 978-07573-1921-1 (Paperback)

ISBN-10: 07573-1921-1 (Paperback)

ISBN-13: 978-07573-1922-8 (ePub)

ISBN-10: 07573-1922-X (ePub)

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, FL 334428190

Cover design by Andrea Perrine Brower

Interior design and formatting by Lawna Patterson Oldfield

ePub created by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

This book is dedicated to all the women who have stayed with us immature and underappreciative guys despite all the stupid, hurtful stuff we often doat least long enough to see if we could grow up with you. This is not to suggest that any woman should just stand by her man no matter what, especially if what that lies ahead is further hurt and violation.

Instead, this is a sincere shout-out to those women who saw something valuable in us (often hidden amongst the weeds), and were willing to stick it out long enough to see if we could become the man they believed was there all along. Despite any pain and loss we may have caused you, and regardless of your future decisions about staying with us or not, thank you for trying to love us imperfect men with your open hearts.

This book is also dedicated to all the men who have thoughtlessly screwed up perfectly solid, meaningful relationships, only to find out later (sometimes too late) how much they really had to lose. I hope that you will find your way to genuine intimacy, connection, and lovelearning the difference between a temporary distraction and meaningful, long-term satisfaction and loving companionship. Because its never too late to learn what it really means to love another person.

CONTENTS

The descriptions and stories in this book purposefully do not identify specific individuals or their stories. Since confidentiality lies at the very center of the psychotherapeutic relationship, I have taken the most exacting measures to preserve the privacy of real people. All names are fictitious, and other recognizable features have been changed. Furthermore, the people and circumstances portrayed in these pages are composite in nature; each case represents a great many individuals whose characteristics and experiences have been adapted conceptually, carefully altered in their specifics, and combined to form illustrative viewpoints, characters, and stories. Any resemblance of such composites to actual individuals is entirely coincidental.

This is not a book about morality, cultural beliefs, cultural norms, or religion. It is not written as a challenge to those who enjoy recreational sexuality or nontraditional sexuality, either casually or as a lifestyle. It is not my job, as a mental health and addiction professional, to judge such behavior in any way. Instead, I have written this book to help men whose sexual activity outside a primary and supposedly monogamous relationship is causing significant problems for that relationship and in other areas of life.

Although there are many views about whether things like pornography, virtual sex, casual sex, anonymous sex, and various forms of nontraditional sex are right or wrong, good or bad, moral or immoral, it is not the intent of this book to define or address these issues in any meaningful way. I support every adult in his or her right to engage in any solo or mutually consensual (and legal) sexual activity or experience that provides pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment. I do not believe that anyone, therapist or not, has the right to judge what turns someone on or how a person pursues sexual activity, as long as that persons choices do not violate the intrinsic rights and safety of oneself or others.

In short, this work is not focused on what is morally, ethically, or politically correct for any individual or the culture at large. The primary goal of this book is to help men who struggle with infidelity but dont want to lose their primary relationship to eliminate their extracurricular sexual activities and rebuild relationship trust. Most of all, I want to offer these men and their significant others hope, letting them know that both long-term change and healing are possible.

A s someone who has paid very close attention to mens experiences with relationships, I know how challenging it is for us to develop the skills necessary to create and maintain healthy intimate connections. Moreover, I watch men screw things up time and time again in the same basic ways, only to come around for more. What I love about this book is that Rob keeps coming back, in numerous ways, to this single essential idea: You cheated, you lied, and you deeply hurt the woman you love, so what are you going to do to save your relationship?

I have yet to meet a man who doesnt have some confusion around intimacy, relationships, and sex. And why would that not be the case? After all, as men we are not raised to respect sex or sexuality. Instead, we are taught to objectify women, to focus more on body parts than companionship and emotional support. Essentially, thanks to pornography and similar societal influences, we are raised in ways that confuse sex with intimacy. And we are taught to fear any kind of emotional closeness. Thus we learn to view sex as something we should turn to as a way to feel like real men or to prove we are real men to the rest of the world.

Sadly, these internal and unconscious psychological mandates often cause men to act in some really damaging ways. One of the worst is when a man breaks his vow of monogamy and cheats on a loving, unsuspecting partner. Lets make no mistake here: our male-dominated culture does not value monogamy. Nor does it encourage men to value and appreciate intimacy and connection over or at least equal to the act of sex. However, that is not an excuse for men to break their vow of monogamy by sleeping around, to lie and keep secrets about that behavior, and to betray relationship trust.

The simple truth is men get a lot of messed-up cultural messages. And so do women. So what? Does that mean were not responsible for our behavior? Absolutely not. But in this culture of self-help gurus and psychologizing, that message sometimes gets lost. Never
theless, there is absolutely no benefit in supporting someone in being a victim or in sending a message that they are not responsible for their behavior. That is what I love about this book. Its about men owning their mess and cleaning it upno more and no less.

One thing Rob does really well in this book is laying out very clearly all of the different ways that a man can cheat on his significant other, getting rid of the whole I did not have sexual relations with that woman obfuscation. Thus, there is no confusion about what is cheating and why it causes the betrayed partner so much pain.

When a man cheats on his partner, he violates a sacred trust. Thats why they call it cheating. And that man is responsible for his behavior regardless of his reasoning. Shes lost interest in sex? Shes not as fun as she used to be? Shes not as thin as she used to be? It is hard to be close and intimate with her? Shes thinking about leaving the relationship? The list could go on. But nothing gives a man permission to lie, keep secrets, and betray the trust of the woman he loves. If a man is truly unhappy there are lots of other optionsgetting honest with his partner, going to couples counseling, focusing on other (nonsexual) activities for fun and excitement, and even getting a divorce. All of those things can be done without the lies, the secrets, and the hurtful betrayal of trust.