Paldrom Collins - A Couples Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy

A Couples

A STEP - BY - STEP PLAN

Guide to

TO REBUILD TRUST &

Sexual

RESTORE INTIMACY

Addiction

PALDROM CATHARINE COLLINS AND GEORGE N. COLLINS, MA

Member of the Society for the
Advancement of Sexual Health

This book is intended as general information only, and should not be used to diagnose or treat any health condition. In light of the complex, individual, and specific nature of health problems, this book is not intended to replace professional medical advice. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this book are intended to supplement, not replace, the advice of a trained medical professional. Consult your physician before adopting any of the suggestions in this book, as well as about any condition that may require diagnosis or medical attention. The authors and publisher disclaim any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of this book.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar
Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases. For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

We dedicate this book to our dear friend Andrew Adleman, with unending gratitude for his support, guidance, encouragement, and love.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First, we would like to thank and acknowledge Katie Corcoran Lytle at Adams Media. This book was her brainchild and would not exist without her. Additionally, we are grateful to have been able to work with editor Jennifer Lawler, who is an accomplished writer of self-help books.

Special thanks go to all of our colleagues at Compulsion Solutions, James Gallegos, Greg Brian, and particularly Faye Reitman. Faye has been a special support in the writing of this book. For that and for everything Faye brings to our world, we are especially grateful.

We would not have been able to write this book without the support, help, and encouragement of Andrew Adleman. We often speculate that he may be a saint disguised as a skillful author and editor.

Without our teachers, counselors, and guides we would not have had the knowledge, courage, or wisdom to write this book. The words thank you seem too simple to express the fullness of our ever-deepening gratitude.

Finally, we thank our friends and clients who continue to teach and inspire us.

INTRODUCTION

If you have this book in your hands, you are probably moving through a very difficult passage in your relationship. Perhaps you are certain, or maybe you suspect, that your partner has been sexually unfaithful and you are concerned that an addiction to sex has caused it. Or you may suspect that you have a problem with sexual compulsivity that is causing you to act out sexually in addictive ways that are damaging to your relationship. Your compulsive thoughts or behaviors are creating a barrier to the intimate connection youd like to have with your partner.

Sexual addiction does not always result in infidelity to the relationship, nor is all sexual infidelity driven by sex addiction. However, sex addiction or compulsivity blocks loving intimacy inside a committed partnership.

Generally, it is the male of the couple who has an issue with sexual addiction. However, please keep in mind that women can also have these issues. Or you may be a same-sex couple. As you read, if the pronouns we are using in any of the descriptions dont fit your situation, please adjust them. This book is for you, too.

It is probably clear to you that you are not connecting with your partner as you would like. But how can you tell if your partner is being gripped by sex addiction in some form? You may have a sense that something is wrong, but you dont know what it might be. Some signs that sex or porn addiction may be playing a part are:

Your partner is spending a lot of private time on the computer.

He is less available, less communicative with you than he has been in the past.

He is unusually secretive.

He does not initiate sex.

He frequently cant climax sexually.

He wants to have sex all the time; hes never satisfied.

You feel a lack of partnership or true intimacy.

If you or your partner is addicted to sex, then sexually compulsive behavior has caused a breach in your relationship. But you can do something about it that can create positive changes. This book is here to help you traverse the shock, the pain, the anger, the fear, and the sadness of what you have discovered and to help you as a couple navigate these troubled waters. You may feel like you are at a crossroads, and that a wrong turn will lead to more pain and suffering.

Trust your instincts. You may not know exactly where your relationship is headed right now. You may have a list of reasons why you should stay, but somehow feel you should leave. This book is written for those couples who are choosing to stay together (at least for now) to work through the difficulties of sexual addiction.

You may be able to use this stormy crisis to make your relationship closer, deeper, and more intimate. But even if you eventually choose to leave, both partners can still benefit from understanding the dynamics that have gotten you to this point in your lives.

At this juncture, even though you may be choosing to stay in the relationship, you probably have many thoughts, feelings, and questions swirling through your head.

Questions for you may include:

How can I be with this man after what hes done?

How do I know he wont do it again?

How do I not monitor his every move?

How can I ever trust him again?

Why didnt I recognize and acknowledge what was going on before now?

Questions for him may include:

Can she ever forgive me?

Can I forgive myself?

How can I possibly be with this woman?

How can I be with her after the rush of what I have been doing?

Reading the information presented here and working through the exercises will help you find your way to the answers not only to these questions but also to the questions that will arise as you learn more about sexual compulsion/addiction and how that plays inside your relationship dynamic.

Work through the exercises in the book gradually. Rushing doesnt help. It takes time to unravel and rebuild your relationship. Be compassionate and patient with yourself and your partner. And yes, this book will show you how to do that, too!

The examples, anecdotes, stories, letters, and e-mails you will find in this book are fictionalized composites of the individuals and couples we have known and worked with. We have made every effort to maintain anonymity. If a story seems to be the account of someone you know, it could be due to the fact that the details of sexual compulsion are so common and pervasive, with very familiar patterns.