Margot Brown - The 72 Hour Rule. A Do-It-Yourself Couples Therapy Book

A Do-It-Yourself Couples
Therapy Book!

BY
Dr. Margot E. Brown

Copyright 2011, Dr. Margot E. Brown

ISBN: 978-0-692-01311-3

All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

Printed in the United States of America.

I am here to help you help yourself. My commitment to you is exactly that. If you picked up this book because you dont believe in therapyit is all good. As you continue to read the following chapters, remember the ultimate goal is to gather facts so that you are more enriched and can integrate that information into your own being. By understanding what you believe and who you really aretodayright nowis very important! If you start seeing negative patterns in most of your relationships (love, family, work) or need something that you are not getting from them, and you want things to be differentthen this is the book for you!

This book will give you tools so that if you want to CHANGE YOUR BELIEFS AND THEN CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR you can! Ive always said, whether it is a workshop, a semester class, a book, the Internet, a lecture, or whateverthe payoff is that you are open to receiving more information. The golden nugget is the knowledge you get. Even if you only learn one thing, you are more enriched. Right now you are in a state of readiness as you continue to read this book. I promise to give you my best. The rest is up to you.

It was probably 7 years ago when I said suddenly to one of my couple clients, Ya know, one of these days Im going to write a book called, The 72-Hour Rule: A Do-It-Yourself Couples Therapy Book. Then, I would ask them if they knew what that was. Of course, they did not, because I had just thought of it. I knew at that time, the key to their problem was being stuckand not knowing what to do about it. They were locked in a cycle and I needed to get their attention. So they listened while I told them the plan.

You have taken a HUGE step just by reading this far. First and foremost, congratulations on picking up this book and wanting to do things differentlymaybe, for the first time! And, if you have tried and not succeeded in the past, then perhaps this time could be different.

Even though this is a book about couples, the underlying theme here is YOU. Each of you contributes to the dynamic or dance between you. As you read this book, I encourage you to continually be mindful of Self. In other words, pay attention to you! First, you must be aware of what you bring to the table in your marriage. The Dance that I refer to within this book is really about the interactive step-by-step journey that a couple takes in getting closer to each otheror in keeping their distance.

I can only say, if possible, try to read this book together as a couple. In doing so, it might open up the lines of communication between the two of you. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL COUPLES THERAPYthe do-it-yourself kindeven if you take 15 or 20 minutes a day after the kids are in bed, or before your favorite TV program. Just read a couple of pages, or one chapter at a time and then discuss it! You could talk about how you disagree with me, or how youve thought of that idea yourself, or you could listen to your partner share her or his ideas on the topic. You never know, it could be a time of connectiona way to share some third-party information together with each other or just have a regular time set aside for the two of you.

If you are reading this book alone, please share it with your mate. I qualify this by stating that now is one of those times when you have to decide if that is appropriate for both of you. There are many more chapters to follow and if you have a toxic relationship that has power dynamics not suited to sharing at this time, then you have to make certain that you take care of yourself first. However, if that is NOT the case and you simply feel awkward in asking your spouse or partner, then I ask you to take a step forward for yourself and the marriage or partnership, and take it to the next level. You are obviously reading this book because you are curious and you want more out of the marriage or partnership or more from your partner. Or, perhaps your relationship is fine and you just want a tune up. Maybe, your spouse is thinking and feeling the same feelings that you are but doesnt know what to do about it. Or perhaps, your partner does not even know that you need or want something more. The question is this, What are YOU going to do about it? It could be as simple as reading this book by yourself, reading it alone and then sharing with your spouse, or it might mean you read it separately silently and then come together to talk about it. Finally, you could read it out loud together as a couples exerciseyour choice.

Have you ever gone fishing? Have you ever seen someone fish? Well then, you know that you can have a rod and reel and fishing line. Fishing is fishing isnt it? However, you can go to the river and fish, you can go to the ocean and fish, you can go to the creek and fish, or you can go to the lake and fish. Yet, these different settings require adjustments in exactly how you fish. You might need a different length of rod or a different test line (strength of fishing line).

Different approaches or styles of working with people in relationships exist. I consider myself to be a short-term, results-oriented couples counselor who seeks a deliverable outcome. That means, I want you to experience a positive change and I want to see you change in a positive way. The deliverable outcome is you changing your beliefs and your way of behaving and coping in your relationship with your partner. This approach is grounded in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. My approach is to have a limited amount of counseling sessions with each couple. My style is collaborative, meaning that I included each partner in the decision-making process of how to move forward. It is all based on agreement for change.

Part of my style in helping both couples and individuals take the first step toward change is to either normalize what they are doing correctly or to dramatize what needs to be done differently. The extreme of that is to STOP doing the negative right now. My storytelling is a culmination of both my therapy experience and my life experience (something they dont teach you in graduate school). I rely on stories as a way to help my clients see themselves more clearly. Couples either see themselves in the story or, more frequently, see the differences between the story and themselves as a couple. Its just a way of enhancing their ability to be less emotionally attached to their individual position within their own relationship. In keeping with my own style of couples counseling, I have numerous stories to tell throughout this book. All are based on some element of truth but, of course, modified to eliminate identifying factors. In other words, my stories are meant only to clarify and provide insights into behavior individually and as a partner.