Ronald Mah - Sorry is not Enough, Infidelity and Betrayal in Couples and Couple Therapy

Published by Ronald Mah at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 Ronald Mah

Ronald Mah's website- www.ronaldmah.com

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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LinkedTable of Contents

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Abstract

Despite social, cultural, and personalstandards of monogamy, affairs remain prevalent in many committedcouples. Possibly the most difficult challenge in couple therapy,infidelity in a committed couple can manifest in a variety of formsand for a variety of reasons that reflect the personality andissues of unfaithful partners. The therapist is guided in makingaccurate assessment of causes and types of affairs leading totherapeutic strategies. Reality that apology no matter how sincereis not enough for recovery lead to areas of clinical exploration.Gender and cultural standards and differences are differentiated aswell as characterological issues including personality disorders inthe assessment process. Authentic and inauthentic forgiveness inrecovery, along with acceptance as an alternative approach/processare examined for reconciliation, as well as the roles of theunfaithful partner and the offended partner in creating the contextof infidelity. Immediate considerations at the beginning oftreatment including boundaries, decision-making, and discussing theimpact of the affair lead to issues of intense scrutiny,transparency, flashbacks, trauma, and assessment of commitmentalong with etiological considerations such as attachment losses,social modeling, and family-of-origin dynamics that guide thetherapist to identify the logic of infidelity and thus, the logicof recovery.

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**A uthors Note:Other than public figures or people identified in the media, allother persons in this book are either composites of individuals theauthor has worked with and/or have been given different names andhad their personal identifying information altered to protect andrespect their confidentiality.

Chapter 1: SORRY IS NOT ENOUGH

C athy found thee-mail trail. The arrangements for liaisons, the hotelreservations, and the flirtatious messages were exactly what andwhere she had known they would be. Surprised but not surprised. Itdid not make sense, yet there was some sense to it. Something hadnot felt quite like it was supposed to be. Not for a long time.Cathy sensed it a couple of years ago, but she was going through somuch at the time physically and at work. Aidan was the CEO of hismothers family non-profit foundation. She had been with him allthe way as he managed the corporate career turmoil, changes,organizational battles, and community politics from his graduatestudies through shifting from the corporate world and becoming theCEO of the foundation. They were a team, but Cathy had alwaysconsciously subordinated her career to his career needs. It madesense to her from her family and cultural background. She had noresentment about it. It was part of the family plan as much ashaving two children, choosing to live in a diverse politicallyprogressive urban community, and picking their spiritual community.Cathy had done her part and definitely did not think or feel shedeserved to be cheated on.

A idan was anoverachiever and workaholic because of his passion for his work.Both his parents were high achievers. His father was the CEO of apublishing company and his mother while a Vassar College graduatewas the housewife in a traditional sense. In actuality, Aidansmother ran the philanthropic foundation for educational andcultural opportunities for disadvantaged girls that her mother andfather had founded. She was from a time and place where wives didnot work, but could be dedicated to charitable ventures along withmanaging household affairs. Basically, she was a CEO as well of thefoundation in function, though initially not in title. Aidan hadgotten his MBA and worked the corporate world for several yearsbefore eventually returning to work for the family foundation. Hehad started by helping organizing fundraising functions, where hisgift for gab and considerable charm was well received. Thefoundation was his passion and it became clear early on that he wasdestined to become the official CEO. At fifty-two years of age, hehad been with the foundation for twenty plus years, and the CEO forten years. He was the face of the foundation and deeply involved infundraising among the well-to-do community and corporate donators.He was a pillar of the community- an affluent suburb near afinancial and information technology metropolitan center. Foreverything Cathy knew him to be, she was stunned to find that hewas an adulterer. Based on everything Aidan held himself to be, hewas just as much at a loss to explain why he violated theirmarriage vows.

A idan had a two-yearaffair with Tina, the head of a city department that the foundationworked with through several programs. The city department and Tinaas its head interfaced with both of their work worlds. She was aprofessional colleague and friend who had shared their social,political, and community spheres of activity. Aidan, Cathy, Tina,and Tinas first husband had been undergraduates in differentcolleges at the same time in Boston together. They first metvolunteering for community and political functions. The families,including Tinas second husband and children had socializedtogether over the years as they found themselves settling in thesame area. One of each familys children went to the sameprestigious independent school overlapping a couple of years. Aidanand Cathy were aware of Tinas personal relationships over theyears. They knew that Tina had some relationship issues previously,but none of it had affected them. Cathy had never considered her tobe a threat to her and Aidans relationship. Tina was just a mutualfriend a professional community friend, and not even aparticularly close friend. Aidan had never shown any particularinterest in Tina or did anything to indicate that he thought herattractive. Having an affair was bad enough, but Aidan having anaffair with Tina was just crazy to Cathy.

R aising children,careers, work politics, and more stress swirled around Aidan andCathy. A quick look could attribute life stresses for causing whatthey had managed successfully individually, as a couple, and as afamily to break down. Yet, there was nothing that they individuallyand collectively had not handled before. In the mix somehow, Aidanhad an affair an affair with a friend. When Aidan and Cathyarrived in therapy, they wanted help to see if they could staytogether. Aidan was deeply remorseful and wanted to do anything tokeep the marriage. He said immediately upon Cathy confronting himabout the affair, he knew that keeping his marriage with Cathy wasthe most important thing in the world for him. Cathy had heardthis, but could not understand how staying faithful to her was notimportant enough just the minute before revelation, much less thetwo years before- the duration of the affair. Aidan admitted thatif undiscovered, he would have continued the affair. He had noplans to end the affair, but now being with anyone but Cathy wasout of the question. Adam apologized profusely to Cathy. Cathycould only say, Sorry is not enough.

Cathy as the offended partner wanted tounderstand these seemingly nonsensical assertions. She wanted toknow the cause of infidelity. The unfaithful partner often knowssome of the feelings and thoughts, but has trouble identifying andarticulating them. He or she has particular trouble expressing themclearly enough and often becomes more stressed and confused underthe pressure of the relationships continuation at stake.Sometimes, the unfaithful partner truly does not understand his orher feelings, thoughts, choices, and behaviors leading up to andthen subsequent to the affair. This was true of Aidan. Thetherapist is tasked to uncover the reasons and then, proceed usethem to facilitate the partners process. The pressuretherapeutically lays heavy upon the therapist as the couple askshim or her to save their relationship. Or, at least to help themfigure out if their relationship can continue.