Rona B Subotnik - Will He Really Leave Her For Me?: Understanding Your Situation, Making Decisions for Your Happiness

will he
really leave her
for me?

UNDERSTANDING
YOUR SITUATION

MAKING DECISIONS
for your happiness

RONA B. SUBOTNIK, L.M.F.T.,

Bestselling author of Surviving Infidelity

Copyright 2005 Rona B. Subotnik, L.M.F.T.
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be
reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher;
exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-59337-485-2
ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-485-3
eISBN: 978-1-4405-1846-1

Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F E D C B A

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Subotnik, Rona.
Will he really leave her for me? : understanding your situation,
making decisions for your happiness / by Rona B. Subotnik.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 1-59337-485-2
1. Single womenPsychology. 2. Adultery.
3. MistressesPsychology. 4. Marriage. I. Title.
HQ800.2.S83 2005
306.73'6dc22
2005017399

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

With love and appreciation
For Norman,
Adrienne, Kenneth, and Debra

OTHER BOOKS BY RONA B. SUBOTNIK, L.M.F.T.

Surviving Infidelity, Third Edition:
Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain
With Gloria G. Harris, Ph.D.
Published by Adams Media

Infidelity on the Internet:
Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal
With Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
Published by Sourcebooks

Oh dearfrom the beginning I believed
every word. And so began the seesaw
days, up and down, the highs, the lows.
The pitter-pat, the weak-in-the-knees, the
waiting for the phone to ring.

Gloria Vanderbilt

It Seemed Important at the Time: A Romance Memoir

Contents

Acknowledgments

I n writing a book, there are always other people who help bring your baby into the world. I appreciate all those who made this book possible. Id like to thank my agent, Julie Castiglia, for her help and advice, and for her belief that a woman who is involved with a married man needs understanding, and that there are few places she can go to for help.

My appreciation goes also to the many talented people at Adams Media, Inc., for their efforts in publishing Will He Really Leave Her for Me? In particular, Id like to thank my editor, Kate Epstein, who saw the value in helping everyone in the marital triangle, and who saw this book as a way to do so. I also appreciate the excellent editing skills and keen eye of Heather Padgen and Laura Daly. I am grateful to Colleen Cunningham for the handsome design of this book as well to the entire team at Adams Media.

Norman Subotnik, who has been at my side for all of my adult life, has also been there for the writing of this book. He has read and reread every chapter and every change too many times to count. He has given me his opinion and the benefit of his expert advice on writing, with patience and respect. I appreciate his help and support through this endeavor.

I thank my daughter, Debra Tratt, for reading many chapters, and for her valuable insight, and astute suggestions; my son, Dr. Kenneth Subotnik, for reading sections from his point of view as a psychologist and for rescuing me from some frightening computer glitches; and my daughter, Adrienne Sharp for her encouragement when she was busy meeting deadlines for her own book.

I greatly appreciate the suggestions made by my San Diego colleague Sally LeBoy, adjunct faculty member at Alliance International University, whose expertise as a marriage and family therapist I admire. Sally read parts of the manuscript and provided excellent feedback. I appreciate the thoughtful perspective in the area of cognitive psychology of Dr. Gloria Harris, friend, and coauthor of Surviving Infidelity.

I am grateful to three friends for reading the book in its entirety and offering the benefit of their views: Betty Lou Poloway (who read it twice), teacher and university consultant; Dolores Okner, whose opinions reflected her excellent professional organizational skills and sense of humor; and Judy Wolfe, an experienced and compassionate social worker who offered valuable, insightful observations.

I also thank Bonnie Kodesch, for sharing her knowledge from her research. I thank as well the many cherished family, friends, and mentors from the past who have been important influences in my life. I remember Dr. John Askin; Dr. Shirley Glass; Evelyn Davis; Sylvia Lavenstein; Shirley Lapides; and with deepest appreciation, my grandmother Rochel Leah Davis.

Introduction

T his is a book that tells your story and will take you on a journey, at the end of which you will be able to answer this important question: Will He Really Leave Her for Me? Your story is not simple, but complex. I will explain your affair from the viewpoint of everyone involved, answer important questions that concern you, and pose some that you might not have thought of. Your role in your lovers life perplexes you because you are in the shadows, viewing life from a distance, living as a lady-in-waiting, and wondering about your future. Yet, it can bring joy and excitement, and an increase in your self-esteem.

Before you start this journey, a word about the terms I use. Infidelity is used to describe relationships of unfaithfulness or betrayal. It covers the situations addressed in this book. For the married man or woman, it is actually an extramarital affair; for the single woman, it may or may not be a love affair. For simplicity, I use infidelity and affair interchangeably. Affairs can cover all such relationships, including some that are emotional and some that are experienced on the Internet. Adultery is known both as a legal and a religious term, and so I have not used it. I have also chosen not to use the term other woman except where someone else does. This term is pejorative, and this book is not judgmental.

Your affair will affect all involved and will dramatically change everyones life. This book will help you cope with these possibilities and teach strategies for the many situations you could face. You will be asked to step back and become an observer of your own life. Such an approach will increase your understanding, help you cope more effectively with your emotions, and promote better decision-making, resulting in an improvement in the quality of your life.

The information you will find in