Andrew G. Marshall - My Wife Doesnt Love Me Anymore: The Love Coach Guide to Winning Her Back

www.marshallmethodpublishing.com

The case histories in this book are based on couples with whom I have worked in my marital therapy practice (their identities have been changed to protect confidentiality, and sometimes two or three cases have been merged together) and individuals who have written to me via my website.

Marshall Method Publishing
London Florida
www.marshallmethodpublishing.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available through the Library of Congress.

ISBN-13: 978-0-9574297-7-2 (Paperback)
ISBN-10: 0-9574297-7-0 (Paperback)
ISBN-13: 978-0-9574297-4-1 (ePub)
ISBN-10: 0-9574297-4-6 (ePub)

Copyright 2014 by Andrew G. Marshall

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

Cover design: Gary A. Rosenberg www.thebookcouple.com
Typeset by Troubador Publishing Ltd, Leics, UK.

Printed in the United States of America

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Contents

Chapter One
Help! My wife has fallen out of love

Chapter Two
Why doesnt my wife love me?

Chapter Three
Can I fix things on my own?

Chapter Four
How can I keep strong when Im getting no encouragement from my wife?

Chapter Five
How do I know when its best to give up and stop trying?

It is almost 10 years since the first person arrived in my marital therapy room having told their partner: I love you but Im not in love with you. As a result I wrote an article for the Observer newspaper in the UK about couples splitting up not because they hated each other but because one partner had fallen out of love.

The response was overwhelming and I was asked to write the book, I Love You But Im Not In Love With You: Seven Steps To Saving Your Relationship (Bloomsbury). It turned out to be not just a UK phenomena: the book has been translated into German, French, Italian, Chinese, Japanese, Swedish, Greek, Turkishin fact, 15 languages and counting. I also became the first UK-based self-help writer to be published by HCI (the US publishing giant behind the best-selling Chicken Soup for the Soul series).

Back in 2006, when the book was published, I thought Id written everything that needed to be said on I Love You But... However, it was aimed at both the person who had fallen out of love and their partner. I didnt cover the differences between when a man falls out of love and when a woman falls out of love, because I didnt want to make generalizations about all women this or all men that. My sample of cases were all couples who were committed enough to saving their relationship to phone Relate (the UKs leading couple counseling charity), book an appointment for an initial assessment and wait the weeks and sometimes months to start on-going counseling. However, desperate letters to my website (www.andrewgmarshall.com) told a different storyone where women and men told their partners theyd fallen out of love and either immediately or a few days later declared that the relationship was over. They couldnt change their feelings, they needed space and the children should be told. There was no point going into counselling and if the person who had fallen out of love did reluctantly agree, it was just to check the box that said we tried everything. These correspondents had found my book incredibly helpful and had drawn hope from my message that you can fall back in love again, but wanted to know how to communicate this to their partner.

The more letters I received and the more stories I heard, the more I began to realize it was a completely different experience being a man told I love you but... rather than a woman. Time and again, these men were isolated and didnt know where to turn for support. They had always taken their emotional problems to their wives. Their friends might have offered a beer and the chance to take their mind off their problems but not much else. They were on their own. Worse still, these men were making simple mistakes that not only deepened their depression and anxiety but actually pushed their wives further away.

By 2010, I had set up in private practice and the majority of my clients were couples where one partner had fallen out of love. I knew I had to write a book targeted specifically at men when a male client had been so overwhelmed by panic that hed undone all the good work of the previous session over the subsequent week. Desperate for reassurance from his wife that there was still hope, he had been using her guilt about hurting their children to try and force her to stay, I told him that short of phoning his wife a taxi, hed done everything possible to push her out of the door. Both the husband and the wife laughed because it was horribly accurate. Sadly, I couldnt save their marriagepartly because they arrived too late, but mainly because the husband didnt need just weekly therapy but regular coaching too.

So whats the difference? Counseling, or therapy, is about helping someone open up, explore their feelings and ultimately find their own solutions. It works best when the peak of a crisis is over and the dust has settled a bit. However, my male client did not need to get in touch with his anxiety but to manage it better. And thats where coaching comes in. Coaching is about sharing knowledge (gained from previous experience in the trenches of a problem). It offers practical suggestions and helps you rehearse your messages to your partner. Ultimately, coaching is about keeping you focused and stopping you from turning a crisis into a disaster.

How to use this book

In an ideal world, if your partner has fallen out of love, you should be in couple counseling, working through the issues together as well as getting personal emotional support. In this book, I will help you decide who would be best to turn to and who you should definitely avoid. Unfortunately, we dont live in an ideal world so I Love You But Im Not In Love With You can be your couples counseling and My Wife Doesnt Love Me Anymore can be your personal love coach. When I counsel men face-to-face, I write down the main lessons from each session for them to take away. Ive done something similar for you with the Love Coachs Three Key Things to Remember at the end of each chapter. Ultimately it doesnt matter which order you read the books but please dont skip I Love You But Im Not In Love With You as it covers some of the techniques and ideas for saving your marriage in more depth. If youre currently holding both books in your hand (or have both e-books), I would start with I Love You But Im Not In Love With You.

An Apology

I have used the word wife rather than partner in the title because I wanted to immediately indicate this book is targeted at men. However, let me be clear: this is a book for all men in committed relationships, whether married, living together or separated.

Im also going to have to make blanket statements about being a man, even though I know there are countless exceptions. Having said that, there is also truth in many generalizations. So even if something strikes you as yes but... please stay with me because although you might not personally fall completely into any stereotype, it will illuminate how you might be coming across to your wife and an extreme example will often demonstrate more clearly what you might need to change.

Andrew G. Marshall

www.andrewgmarshall.com

Andrew G. Marshall

www.andrewgmarshall.com

Fifteen days ago, my wife told me she doesnt love me anymore, that Im her best friend but that as things are I shouldnt have any hope. I was shocked I couldnt believe what I was hearingand I felt like all my life was being taken from inside of me. All my dreams, hopes and future. During the last two weeks, I have hardly slept, cant eat and Im afraid to know how much weight Ive lost.