Andrew G. Marshall - Its Not A Midlife Crisis, Its An Opportunity: How to be forty- or fifty-something without going off the rails

What he has told me has made me reassess my relationship behaviour entirely.
KATY REGAN, Daily Mail

As if someone has just thrown a warm blanket around my shoulders...it all makes sense.
HANNAH BOOTH, Guardian

Marshall exudes calm; his voice is gentle and measured
TIM DOWLING, Guardian

Andrew G. Marshall offers deeply insightful, helpful, and practical tools for dealing with most of the challenges we face.
JED DIAMOND, PH.D., author of The Irritable Male Syndrome

With advice on how to recreate intimacy while retaining a sense of self...His insightful advice makes it hard to disagree.
Psychologies Magazine
(on I Love You But Im Not In Love With You )

An insightful and gracious walk through creating positive change in your life.
ROBERT J. ACKERMAN, PH.D., Editor, Counselor Magazine
(on Wake Up and Change Your Life )

I love you but Im not in love with you: seven steps to saving your relationship

The single trap: the two-step guide to escaping it and finding lasting love

How can I ever trust you again? Infidelity: from discovery to recovery in seven steps

Are you right for me? Seven steps to getting clarity and commitment in your relationship

Build a life-long love affair: seven steps to revitalising your relationship

Heal and move on: seven steps to recovering from a break-up

Help your partner say yes: seven steps to achieving better cooperation and communication

Learn to love yourself enough: seven steps to improving your self-esteem and your relationships

Resolve your differences: seven steps to dealing with conflict in your relationship

Make love like a prairie vole: six steps to passionate, plentiful and monogamous sex

My wife doesnt love me any more: the love coach guide to winning her back

I love you but you always put me last: how to childproof your marriage

My husband doesnt love me and hes texting someone else: the love coach guide to winning him back

Have the sex you want: a couples guide to getting back the spark

What is love? 50 questions about how to find, keep, and rediscover it

Wake up and change your life: how to survive a crisis and be stronger, wiser and happier

I cant get over my partners affair: 50 questions about recovering from extreme betrayal and the long-term impact of infidelity

Every reasonable effort has been made to contact copyright holders. If any have been overlooked, the publishers would be glad to hear from them and make good in future editions any errors or omissions brought to their attention.

The case histories in this book are based on couples with whom I have worked in my marital therapy practice (their identities have been changed to protect confidentiality and sometimes two or three cases have been merged together) and individuals who wrote to my website.

If readers have a medical complaint, it is important that they consult their doctor.

Marshall Method Publishing
London Florida
www.marshallmethodpublishing.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Date is available through the Library of Congress.

ISBN: 978-0-9955403-0-9

Copyright 2016 by Andrew G. Marshall

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photo copying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

Cover and interior design: Gary A. Rosenberg www.thebookcouple.com

To Ignacio

Is your relationship in crisis or rapidly heading that way? Does it feel like you and your partner have stopped listening to each other and youre either walking on eggshells or exploding with anger? Have you reached the point that you see things so differently you wonder whether its even worth trying to explain your feelings?

If that doesnt sound bad enough, theres something about being forty- or fifty-something that makes the situation even worse. First of all, the stakes are higher at this stage in your life than at any other. You may have young or adolescent children and you dont want them caught in the crossfire so you bite your lip and soldier on. Second, your parents are getting old and statistically either you or your partner is likely to have lost one of them. You might even be actively caring for a parent. This is a stark reminder that you are not immortal and, therefore, time is running out. Third, our society is terrified of ageing and goes to great lengths to deny its happening. For example, I appeared on a radio phone-in recently where the host proclaimed that fifty was the new thirty.

So not only is there no roadmap ahead for the forty- or fifty-somethings among us, but the few signposts that exist are controversial and likely to get you and your partner at each others throats. I am talking, of course, about the so-called midlife crisis the logical explanation if your partner has turned into a stranger (and a highly critical one at that), but if youre the one who is questioning your life (and feeling dissatisfied) the term midlife crisis will probably put your back up or make you feel blamed. Whichever side of the debate you stand, I have a radical idea: its not a midlife crisis, its an opportunity (by which I mean a chance to learn, grow and transform your life for the better).

I am writing this book from personal and professional experience. Im fifty-seven and the past twenty years have been, by a long distance, the toughest. However, despite coping with my mothers dementia, my fathers frailty and yesterday catching sight of what at first appeared to be an old mans body in the changing-room mirror of a clothes store, I can honestly say that I have never felt more content, fulfilled or excited about the future.

Over the course of this book, I will be drawing on my mistakes embarrassingly many my setbacks and my heartaches, because I think it is important that you know Ive trodden the same path as you rather than having magically arrived at a good place. I will also be drawing on thirty years of experience as a marital therapist helping couples where one partner (and sometimes both) have gone off the rails in their forties or fifties and done immense damage to themselves and their partner (and often their children too). Fortunately, I have accumulated countless success stories from people who started off in the abyss but returned with a more connected, more satisfying and more loving relationship. (I have changed names, some of the details and occasionally merged couples to protect identities.)

In each chapter, I will cover a different aspect of being middle-aged like career issues, depression, affairs and ageing to explain what is really going on; share relevant scientific research and current psychological and philosophical ideas on the topic; introduce exercises to help you cope better; and teach you new skills to move forward.

The book is divided into three sections. The first is written for people questioning their life, their relationship and everything. The second is for their partners who are coping with the fallout. Whichever side youre on, please read both parts as this will help you understand your partner better and thats an important ingredient for breaking the deadlock. In , there is advice about negotiating a way through any differences between you and your partner. I will also introduce three key concepts which will either change your marriage into the connected, fulfilling and loving relationship of which youve always dreamed or allow you to separate amicably and be great co-parents together.