Andrew G. Marshall - What is Love?: 50 Questions About How to Find, Keep, and Rediscover it

The letters in this book are from people who have written to me via my website and the case histories are based on persons with whom I have worked in my therapy practice. Their details have been changed to protect confidentiality.

Marshall Publishing Method
London Florida
www.marshallmethodpublishing.com

ISBN: 978-0-9929718-0-9
ebook ISBN: 978-1-78301-552-8

Copyright 2014 by Andrew G. Marshall

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

Cover and interior design: Gary A. Rosenberg www.thebookcouple.com

It all seems so simple in the movies. Boy meets girl and, although they might not immediately recognise that they were made for each other, after a few misunderstandings and a couple of obstacles, they will fall in love and get married. The only question is whether they are truly in love. If theyve passed this testwhich is seldom in doubt because theyre the hero and heroinethey will always triumph. There are sometimes ex-lovers or rivals but they are normally painted as bad people and so either disappear before the happy ending or miraculously discover someone else in the final frames of the story. No wonder we believe love will overcome, especially ifanother movie mythwe follow our heart and really believe in its power. Therefore we never really consider the truth about love but instead sink into the comforting embrace of the myths and stories we tell ourselves (over and over again).

If youve bought or are browsing through this book, my guess is that real life has punctured all your cosy expectations and happily ever after turned out to be complicated, messy and painful. Perhaps your beloved has dumped you and youre questioning whether he or she ever really loved you. Maybe its you that thought you loved your partner but now youre not quite so sure. Perhaps your husband or wife has been unfaithful but claims that he or she still loves you and youre wondering How does that work? Maybe you are torn and have feelings for both your partner and a colleague at work, someone youve met on the Internet or your childhood sweetheart. Whatever the circumstances, you have lots of pressing questions about love: what is it, what went wrong and can I ever get it back?

While you have no shortage of questions, youre short on answers. Your partner cant explain and if he or she does come up with something to explain the change of heart it simply doesnt makes sense. If you ask a counsellor, youll probably get the questions turned back with What do you think? Meanwhile philosophers quote the ancient Greeks and poets are more interested in chronicling the pains and pleasures of love than offering solutions. No wonder youre feeling lost, frustrated and angry. Should love really be this difficult? Whatever happened to being swept off your feet? What about my happily ever after?

Fortunately, Ive spent almost 30 years as a marital therapist trying to understand the truth about love and make it work in the real world. Ive also written numerous books on the subjectincluding the international best seller: I Love You But Im Not In Love With You. Countless people have written to my website posing questions very similar to yours and Ive done my best to provide not only insights but hope and solutions.

Ive decided to gather these letters into a book because I think these dispatches from the coalface of love will help. Firstly, its reassuring to realise that youre not alone and that other peoples lives are not like the movies either. Secondly, reading someone elses story can help you see your own more clearly. Thirdly, it will help you step into other peoples shoes and, as youll discover, thats a really useful relationship skill.

Time and again, my correspondents fear there are just two choices: putting up, shutting up and enduring, or running away and starting again. However, I believe there are countless other outcomes because people can change. I hope the range of experiences in this book and seeing opinions from different sides of the same dilemma will illustrate this central belief. Although Im tackling the individual circumstancesbased on experience of counselling similar cases and my intuitionIve also tried to make general points, teach relationship skills and open minds.

The letters are arranged into themes but I would recommend reading them allnot just the most pertinent onesbecause every question illuminates another aspect of love. I sum up the possible lesson from each letter with a definition of love. At the back of the book, Ive gathered together my thoughts and answered the central question that underlines everybodys dilemma: what is love? I finish with an exercise to help you pull together everything that has challenged, surprised or provided a fresh insight. In this way, if youre at an emotional crossroads or you and your partner are currently at odds over love, my book will help to stop you going round in circles and to signpost a way forward.

Andrew G. Marshall

www.andrewgmarshall.com

I am a 36-year-old woman who has never had a serious relationship. The longest Ive ever gone out with a man is two weeks. Many people consider me attractive and Ive been told by acquaintances and strangers that I am beautiful. I hardly ever find the men who are interested in me physically attractive, which is important to me, I cannot be intimate with someone who does not attract me.

The men Ive been withtwo or three casual flingsover the past 18 years have this in common: Ive always been very sexually attracted to them, they make the initial approach, have always been witty and amusing, but then it turns into a situation where I get obsessed and throw myself at them. I become needy and too compliant instead of being true to myself. Even though I have had sexual relationships, I have never been able to have full penetrative sex. Ive always found it too painful.

My last fling was nearly nine years ago. It was with a work colleague who kept our sexual relationship secret which hurt me greatly. The last time I kissed a man was four years ago at a friends wedding. When he asked for my phone number the next day, I was cold and stiff to him even though I was attracted to him. Needless to say he never rang me, and I dont blame him.

I work long hours so my social life is restricted and I feel too old for nightclubs. I tried internet datingmy friend met her partner in this waybut I never felt comfortable doing it. My father is a very handsome man. He is a good father but he has a short fuse so he could quickly turn from being good-humoured to being angry and sulky. My brother who is a year younger than I has minor learning difficulties. Growing up that was hard for the family to deal with. Weve never really talked about it, least of all my brother. My younger sister is happily married.

Thank you for your time.

First off, I want to reassure you. There are lots of people in the same situation who have reached their thirties and sometimes even forties without having a single long-term relationship and only a handful of flings. I call this under-dating and I think it is one of the hidden phenomena of our times.

So why does it happen? As you point out in your letter, there are family issuesnormally a difficult father or an absent mother. But Ive noticed quite a few women with brothers with mental or physical health issues who swallow a lot of attention and the daughter has been sidelined or felt compelled to be perfect or get on with things as the family cant cope with any more problems.