Andrew G. Marshall - I Love You but Im Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship

When I wrote I Love You But Im Not in Love with You, I had one simple message I wanted to communicate: that it is possible to fall back in love. I didnt ever expect that it would reach every continent, that it would be translated into sixteen languages (and counting!), or that so many people would write to me with their experiences. Over the past ten years, Ive seen many more couples in which one half has fallen out of love than in my first two decades as a marital therapist. The success of this book is, I suppose, part of the reason, but I think its also something more than that. Our relationships are under more pressure than ever before. We are time poor but also expect more of ourselves and our partner. Its not surprising that something has to give someone declaring I love you but Im not in love with you is a clear sign of cracks in a relationship.

Sadly, Ive discovered that many people press on regardless and hope for the best. Take this recent post on my website as an example: My husband and I have been married for twenty-two years. Last year, he came to me and said he didnt love me like he used to. We carried on with our marriage and didnt speak about it much. Six months later, it really came to a head when he told me again, but said it was getting worse. He said, The light just went out and Im hoping to get it back. Since that time, Ive been seeing a therapist, getting acupuncture and taking vitamin supplements to help me. He really hasnt done anything. Not surprisingly, the light didnt come back on for the husband and their relationship did not improve. Two weeks ago while out shopping, I received a phone call from him, saying that he needs space to think about his feelings. He doesnt want to throw in the towel but has decided to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks and said hed be back after this brief stay. I was upset that he didnt bother to wait for me to come home to say goodbye and to set up some parameters.

With the increased knowledge Ive gained from working with so many more couples and the insights Ive had from interactions on my website and on social media, I want to update my core message. It is still possible to fall back in love despite our more toxic lifestyles but it is important to have a proportionate response. On one hand, please dont brush the problem under the carpet I love you but is the culmination of many years of not addressing issues properly. On the other hand, it is crucial that you dont panic floods of tears, begging, anger or canvassing all your friends opinions makes it harder to listen to your partner and can turn a problem into a crisis.

Dont worry if youve fallen into either of those traps they are natural reactions to a very painful situation, but what counts is your mid and longer term responses. This book will help you keep calm, provide hope when youre down and, most importantly, teach you the communication skills to not only save your relationship but make it deeper, more satisfying and more loving.

If things have gone from bad for worse and your partner has moved from I love you but to I dont love you any more or has had an affair, Ive written other books to add to your armoury: My Wife Doesnt Love Me Any More, My Husband Doesnt Love Me and Hes Texting Someone Else and How Can I Ever Trust You Again? However, this book remains the cornerstone of my work with couples love needs skills if it is to endure, and they are all laid out here.

Andrew G. Marshall

www.andrewgmarshall.com

The Single Trap: The Two-Step Guide to Escaping
it and Finding Lasting Love

How Can I Ever Trust You Again?: Infidelity: From
Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps

Learn to Love Yourself Enough: Seven Steps to Improving
Your Self-Esteem and Your Relationships

Heal and Move On: Seven Steps to Recovering from a Break-Up

Help Your Partner Say Yes: Seven Steps to Achieving
Better Cooperation and Communication

Resolve Your Differences: Seven Steps to Coping
with Conflict in Your Relationship

Are You Right For Me?: Seven Steps to Getting Clarity
and Commitment in Your Relationship

Make Love Like a Prairie Vole: Six Steps to
Passionate, Plentiful and Monogamous Sex

I Love You But You Always Put Me Last: How to Childproof Your Marriage

My Wife Doesnt Love Me Any More: The Love
Coach Guide to Winning Her Back

My Husband Doesnt Love Me and Hes Texting Someone
Else: The Love Coach Guide to Winning Him Back

What is Love?: 50 Questions About How to Find, Keep, and Rediscover it

Wake Up and Change Your Life: How to Survive a
Crisis and be Stronger, Wiser and Happier

I Cant Get Over My Partners Affair: 50 Questions About Recovering
From Extreme Betrayal and the Long-Term Impact of Infidelity

What happens when the passion goes?

Andrew G. Marshall

First published in Great Britain 2006

This electronic edition published in 2011 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

Copyright 2006 by Andrew G. Marshall

The moral right of the authors have been asserted

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eISBN: 978-1-4088-1098-9

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To Polly Vernon and Ed Jaspers
Thank you for helping get this book off the ground.

Five years ago the occasional couple would present themselves at my therapy office after one partner had confessed, I love you but Im not in love with you. At first I was surprised; the phrase seemed to belong to a character in a smart New York sitcom. Yet real people were using it to describe something profound that was happening to their relationship. How could someone love but not be in love?

These couples would describe each other as best friends, or say that their relationship was more like that of a brother and sister, except most were still having sex. In essence, the partnership had become defined by companionship rather than passion, and that was no longer enough. Over time more and more couples complained of the same problem. Not everyone spontaneously used the phrase, I love you but Im not in love with you, but all recognised the sentiments. For these couples the dilemma was especially painful: the person who had fallen out of love still cared deeply about his or her partner, and certainly did not wish to hurt them, but they wanted to end the relationship.

A typical couple would be Nick, a forty-two-year-old sales manager, and Anna, a thirty-nine-year-old teacher. Nick and Anna had been married for fifteen years and, despite some difficult patches, such as Nicks redundancy, their relationship had flourished. So when Nick dropped the I love you but bombshell Anna was devastated: I thought we had a happy relationship, I really did. Not perfect, of course, but then who can claim that? Ive tried to get him to explain why he doesnt love me any more but he keeps saying he doesnt know. The best he has managed is that I dont listen. Except hes never told me before that he was unhappy. Nick explained that the feeling had been building for several years and that he needed to tell their two teenage children and have a trial separation. He has no honour, no loyalty, Anna complained. He is completely selfish. I feel hes leaving me for someone he hasnt even met yet.