Jean Cirillo - The Soul Mate Myth: A 3-Step Plan for Finding REAL Love

The

Soul Mate
myth

The

Soul
Mate
myth

A 3-Step Plan for Finding REAL Love

Jean Cirillo, PhD

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my late father, Carmine Cirillo, who passed away three years ago, while I was visiting him in Las Vegas. He was always behind me, to provide support, intellectual guidance, and love in all of my endeavors.

Acknowledgments

My profound gratitude is extended to everyone who made this book possible:

Janet Rosen, my agent at Sheree Bykofsky and Associates, who recommended me for this project, and worked alongside me as my loyal teammate from start to finish.

Victoria Sandbrook, my acquisitions editor at Adams Media, who brought me on, encouraged me, and led the way through twists, turns, and bumps along the road.

Katie Corcoran Lytle, my development editor at Adams Media, who suggested direction and worked hard to put the finishing touches on this book.

Cynthia Cedano, who worked tirelessly alongside me to meet deadlines in producing the final product.

Julia Austin, whose skilled writing and editing abilities did much to enhance the books readability and style.

Ellis Pailet, national entertainment lawyer from New Orleans, whose excellent advice guided me along the way.

Clients, friends, family, and all those persons who, throughout my life, provided the material and fuel that are the lifeblood of this work.

Introduction

Ladies, weve been tricked. From fairy tales at bedtime to Hollywoods blockbuster hits, weve been told that theres a oneand-only soul mate for each of us, and that hell be a perfect manand that youll have the perfect relationship. And whats worse: weve started believing it. After all, you deserve something perfect, right? You work hard, you love hard, and youve been waiting a long time for the fireworks and mixtapes and roses every anniversary. So why dont you have it yet?

No, its not that youre just impatient. And no, Im not going to tell you that youll find happiness if you just lower your standards. But the endless searching and predictable backfiring and constant disappointment does need to end, and youre the only one who can turn this all around.

If youre still wondering if any of this applies to you, just answer the next few questions:

Have you ever crossed a guy off your list after one date?

Do you have trouble finding someone to date because you cross guys off your list so quickly?

Have you ever left someone because he wouldnt change?

Are you afraid of committing too soon?

Are you with a guy everyone lovesexcept you?

Do men usually disappoint you once you get to know them?

If you answered yes to more than one, its likely that you are working against yourself in some way or another. At some point, when you had been disappointed by too many guys, you decided to protect yourself from that pain and started setting up every man you meet for failure. After all, if he was such a loser/ deadbeat/infidel/jerk/whatever, then youre better off without him, right? So you set guys up so they had no choice but to end up looking like all of those terrible things in your eyes. Undoing the damage wont be easy either: even the biology of your brain plays a part in keeping you from finding the right love at the right time! So you have to start at the very beginning.

The good news is that there is no such thing as a one-and-only soul mate for each person. Recent research indicates that the odds of finding someone out there who is biologically and chemically compatible are actually one in eleven! Thats right ladies, the odds are much better than you thought. It just might be your method of looking that is lessening those odds.

This book will strip away everything you think is necessary in lovefrom the celluloid glamour to your own high expectations and show you what is actually necessary for a lasting relationship. Youll look at what you think love is and get to the heart of your outlook on men and romanceand yourself. When you find the secret triggers that tell you to back off, youll learn which ones to keep and which ones are holding you back. Youll learn what can be compromised, and what values you should never compromise. And, if youre a single lady whos having trouble dating, theres a whole appendix just for you where youll learn how to use your natural charm to put yourself out there. Youll also learn how to take control of your priorities, hopes, and fears so that you can learn which to keep, which to ditch, which are reasonable, and which are just hindering you from finding love. You will rebuild your roadmap to finding a fulfilling love life.

You are hardwired to have long, happy, fulfilling relationships with others. You are deserving of a committed, powerful relationship. You just have to let yourself find it.

STEP ONE

REALITY CHECK:

A Toolkit for Understanding How Bad Youve Got It

In this part you will learn to recognize your expectations and determine which ones are realistic and which are unrealistic; see the role your brain and your nervous system play in determining your choice of a romantic partner; and youll learn to recognizeand begin to overcomethe fears that act as barriers to finding real love, keeping you stuck in the soul mate myth. Consider this first part your break up with the mythical man. When you break up with a boyfriend, you naturally try to understand what you could have done differently, what he could have done differently, and eventually you come to accept the fact that the two of you were simply not meant to be. In this first part you will learn why you and the mythical soul mate are not meant to be and why that is perfectly okay.

CHAPTER 1

Great Expectations

If you look at some couples who have been together since they were very young, you probably recognize dynamics that, in your long years of dating, youve learned that you would never want in a relationship. Because you have been out there. You have tested the waters. Chances are you have learned more about what you want from a relationship, which is an advantage to a point. Your standards may have actually gotten too high, without you even realizing it. Yes, youve worked too damned hard and are too great of a catch to bend on what you want. But you can shout, Im a catch! from the rooftops and it doesnt change the fact that youre single. Obviously, something isnt working.

Heres the thing: some of your expectations are probably valid. You didnt pull them out of thin air. Youve taken note of what really didnt work in past relationships and what did. By drawing on past relationships, you protect yourself from getting into another similar, unsuccessful one. So dont write off everything youve determined to be good or bad in a relationship.

But theres a good chance that some of your expectations arent valid, and its time for you to get real about whats realistic to expect from a mate, what youd like to get out of your relationship, and what you consider a deal-breaker. After all, the more you can compromisewithout compromising yourselfand relearn what you should expect from your partner, the happier youll be. Yes, I said relearn, because unfortunately, you may have just gotten a fractured and even flawed education when it came to building expectations for a relationship.

Where Do Those Expectations Come From?