Marian Lindner - The Emotionally Available Partner: A Journey to True Love

The Emotionally

Available Partner

The Emotionally

Available Partner

A Journey to True Love

Marian Lindner

The Emotionally Available Partner

A journey to True Love

All Rights Reserved c2004 by Marian Lindner

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the written permission of the author.

ISBN: 0-595-32224-7

To my husband Charles.

Thank you for being my emotionally available partner .

Y our support of this project means so much to me .

I love you for all that you are.

Acknowledgements

I owe a debt of gratitude to HP for helping me to face myself, to heal, and for writing this book with me. I also want to deeply thank Ca rol Emery Normandi and Lauralee Roark for their amazing work on eating disorders that changed my life , and for their support of this project. Beyond Hunger : End Your Obsession with Food and Weight inspired this book and many of the original ide as are from Carol and Lau r alee. Thank you to my wonderful husband Charles. I am so happy this work led me to you. You are more amazing th an I could have ever imagined. A big thank you also goes out to Hillary Flye for her amazing, genero us, and profound work with me. And also, to all the wonderful women who informed this book : Diane Conway with her wonderful book The Fairy Godmothers Guide to Dating and Mating , Marilyn Geist, Tami, Meg Lopez-Cepero, Ly dia Yinger, Rosemary, and Anne. Thank you all so much! And for all the men who helped on my journey : Dave, Ray, Eric, Jerry, Jim, John, Mike M., th ank you for all your kindness. Thanks also to my dear parents , Eleanor and Roland. The support of all my friends and family on this journey, and all the wonderful people I interacted with to get the practice I needed to do the research for this bo ok, has worked a miracle in me. I am grateful to you all.

Table of Contents

Preface

Phase I: Understanding Ourselves

Why We Choose t he Unavailable Type

Compassionate Self-Observation

Being Our Own Best Friend

Magic Tools That Build Confidence

Phase II: Understanding Other People

Dating Is a Great Opportunity !

Emotionally Available or Not?

Phase III: Emotional Maturity

Rejection, Grief, and Other Challenges

Relying On Our Feelings

Lettin g Go of Control

Phase IV: Power and Freedom

Love and Spirituality

Celebrating Our Journey

The Joy of Commitment

Conclusion

Bibliography

Index

Preface

Connecting in intimate partnerships without shutting down emotion ally has always challenged me. In 2001 when a difficult relationship ended painfully, I clearly saw how my pattern of choosing unavailable partners had left me stuck in self-hatred. Unable to let in a loving person, I rea lized that I needed to change. I could no longer simply point the finger and label my ex the problem. Profoundly sad at my inability to maintain a healthy relationship, to marry, and to start a family, I had to face the fact that I was contributing to the challenges in my relationships. And I k now that I am in good company. Many women today cant commit and achieve cultural success, feel demoralized, and live lives that revolve around other people : controlling them, avoiding them, fearing them, or blaming them.

At that time, I decided once and for all to work throu gh my own fears of partnership. To heal, I set out to vigorously re-conceptualize my ideas about relationships. It has been quite a journey. I began by trusting all of my behaviors and obs erving myself non-judgmentally. I got help from a professional therapist who has been happily married for over twenty years. I talked to women who were invol ved in partnerships I admired. Because I had previously recovered from a very serious eati ng disorder, I also applied anti-diet principles to the rel ationship issues I was facing. I substituted obsessions with people, partnerships, and sex for the compulsive eating behaviors those self-help books addressed.

I now believe that whenever we form relationships with unavailable people, or become relationship anorexics in order to push away available people, our own part nership issues have popped up. I learned that our relationship fears are not manifesting to destroy any hope we have of maintaini ng a good relationship, though. These issues are only attempting to return us to the natural partner inside that already kn ows how to love. We are not involved in unfulfilling relationships because we ar e flawed; w e on ly need to remember our essential nature . We cant be anything else but a loving partner. T hat is why our challenges with intimac y have been so painful for us. Each challenge we experience is actually a call from our deepest power. It urgently sends the same message from inside over and over : that each of us is loveable and good enough for a wonderful relationship right now .

I learned that the solution to my problem is ins ide of me, not in someone else. With this book, I have not written a rulebook on how to capture a partner or keep them, provided guidelines on controlling our behavior around potential partners, or suppli ed a prescription for marriage. This book functions as a guide book for recla iming the natural partner inside of us. Although I lead workshops on emotional availability throughout California , I am not a licensed therapist. These are my personal ideas, what have worked for me, and what I continue to strive to embody. Please use your own guidance as you read this boo k. This is only one path to healing and it does not have t o be the path for every woman. This book is based on my own experience, so please take what you like and leave the rest. I also want to point out that since I wrote the book from my perspective, it is geared toward women; however, men can also benefit from the messages. I have found that these principles transcend all barriersincluding gender.

From doing this work and incorporating the wisdom of the many brave women who have walked before me, I know that it is possible to live without fleeing from intimacy. Now, after a few years of pr acticing the ideas in this book I am in touch with th e natural partner inside of me, am happily married to a wonderful, available man, interact with hi m lovingly, look behind the obsession to see what is truly going on when I get emotionally shaky, and no longer nee d to use people for a romantic fix wh en I am upset or uncomfortable. My hope is to plant a seed that there is a solution for women, and that sharing what I have lea rned will help you heal faster. Any woman who struggles with fears of intimacy and partnership will discover daily support and companionship in The Emotiona lly Available Partner : A Journey to True Love .

This book contains 365 inspirational messages that are o rganized day by day into phases and chapters. T he book may be start ed at the beginning ; however, some women will find more benefit by searching out s pecific topics . Feel free to begin wherever you like . Whatever way this guideboo k is utilized, the process works. By healing, o ur work will move out from our romantic partnerships to all of our relationships , and will help in the movement to empower women. Please join me today to celebrate ourselves and others as we let in the love of an emotionally available partner.

-Marian Lindner

Phase I

Understanding

Ourselves

Why We Choose t he

Unavailable Type

In this chapter , you will uncover the reasons that you have chosen unavailable partners. You will learn about patterns esta blished in your early childhood, behaviors that you devel oped to deal with your feelings, how cultural pressures influence you, and that your relationship issues are not your enemy. Enjoy the process of self-discovery. You are on your way to true love!