David Hawkins - When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE , OREGON

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Verses marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

Verses marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible , New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Verses marked ASV are taken from the American Standard Version of the Bible.

Cover Image Borut Trdina / iStock

Cover design by Bryce Williamson

Published in association with MacGregor Literary, Inc.

This book includes stories in which peoples names and some details of their situations have been changed to protect their privacy.

WHEN LOVING HIM IS HURTING YOU

Copyright 2017 David Hawkins

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

ISBN 978-0-7369-6981-9 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-6982-6 (eBook)

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Hawkins, David, 1951- author.

Title: When loving him is hurting you / Dr. David Hawkins.

Description: Eugene Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, [2017]

Identifiers: LCCN 2017001807| ISBN 9780736969819 (pbk.) | ISBN 9780736969826 (eBook)

Subjects: LCSH: Man-woman relationshipsReligious aspectsChristianity. | NarcissismReligious aspectsChristianity. | MenPsychology. | MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. | Interpersonal relationsReligious aspectsChristianity.

Classification: LCC BV4597.53.M36 H39 2017 | DDC 261.8/327dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017001807

All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The authorized purchaser has been granted a nontransferable, nonexclusive, and noncommercial right to access and view this electronic publication, and purchaser agrees to do so only in accordance with the terms of use under which it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in or encouragement of piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of authors and publishers rights is strictly prohibited.

To two beautiful girls who lovingly call me GrampaMaisie and Kate .

As you enter a world so desperate for change, for equality, and for safety, I envision two strong, vibrant visionaries who can and will speak out and become part of the solution to the problems described in this book .

C ONTENTS

W hen Loving Him Is Hurting You .

What a title for a book. I so wish the title could have been When Loving Him Makes Your Heart Sing , or perhaps When Loving Him Makes You Smile Wildly .

Thats what love should be about, after all. Loving him should be so self-evident that people in the grocery line stop and ask, Why are you smiling? and you respond, Because I love my husband so much and he loves me just as much in return.

Thats what love is about, isnt it?

We know a lot about healthy love. We know in healthy love we feel larger, stronger, safer than when we are alone. We feel bold and secure, able to move about in the world with confidence because we are deeply and securely loved.

You are likely reading this book because you have felt deeply disappointed in love. Rather than smiling wildly, you feel discouraged and fearful. You have lost much of your hopefulness and seek ways to regain it.

You will find that hope in this book and in the friends you will meet here. You will find help and encouragement in these pages. Amid the stories of women like you, youll find advice on how to not only survive your situation but also thrive once again. In addition to hope, you will find healing.

I admit that as I prepared to write this book, I wondered if I could do the topic justice. How could I possibly give voice to the thousands of women Ive counseled over the past ten years as Ive spent countless hours with victims and perpetrators of narcissistic and emotional abuse? How could I possibly put into words the depth of their fears and anxieties? Narcissistic and emotional abuse is, after all, incredibly elusive. Often hard to define, emotional abuse is experienced more than recognized.

You, more than many others, know about the elusive aspect of this problem. You know the countless people youve reached out to for support and help, only to feel abandoned and discounted. In asking for help, youve received platitudes and shallow words of counsel. Youve received even worsedismissive commentswhen suffering from a broken heart, a troubled mind, and a hurting body.

You will find an understanding voice in this book, albeit inadequate, for no one can possibly know what you are experiencing except those who have walked your journey. Nonetheless, in these pages you will find stories and counsel to meet you at your places of pain.

As Ive written, Ive been aware of so much more that is needed. Another book is needed as a follow-up to this one and then perhaps another after that. We are on the cutting edge of knowledge about the debilitating phenomenon called narcissistic and emotional abuse.

My writing and speaking on this topic have left me feeling a bit discouraged. I fear we have set our sights far too low. I fear we have settled for love that isnt love. We have settled for a kind of love that reflects tolerance or worse, harm. Weyour pastors, counselors, friends, and familyhave sold you something you should no longer buy. Love, to be love, must leave you heartened and happy, not hurting and discouraged.

When Loving Him Is Hurting You , as you may sense, was not easy to write. It has not been easy to sit with thousandsyes, thousandsof women who have argued to be heard, and rightfully so. Having been dismissed and discounted, blamed and shamed, their voices have been all but silenced. They have shared their stories of narcissistic and emotional abuse, stories they have mostly kept silent for fear of feeling further shame and misunderstanding. It has been an impossible journey you know all too well.

The victims of abuse have entrusted me with their stories, and I have the responsibility to retell them accurately and to offer hope for those still searching for answers to their pain. It is time for things to change. It is time we listened to their stories, heard the truths in them, and made drastic changes. We will share friendship, compassion, stories, and solutions in this book.

I wish we were beyond men using women to support their vulnerable egos. I so wish we were beyond patriarchal communities, churches, societies, and nations where women are harmed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While we seem to have made inroads into physical domestic violence, we have only begun to wage war against narcissistic and emotional abuse. Join me on this path of recovery, which begins with understanding and leads to speaking out and setting boundaries against it.

It is strange to live in such an uneducated, uninformed, and harmful world, where emotional abuseconsidered by many to be even more damaging than physical violenceis allowed to run amok. This horrific form of violence is everywhere, yet interventions are unheard of. This must stop.