Louisa Cox - Covert Narcissism: Signs of a Covert Narcissist, Ways to Protect Yourself From Their Manipulation and How to Deal With Their Narcissism

Covert Narcissism: Signs of a Covert Narcissist, Ways to Protect Yourself from Their Manipulation and How to Deal With Their Narcissism

By Louisa Cox

F OR A DECADE OF MY life, I was trapped in toxic, manipulative and confidence-crushing relationships. I use the word trapped to describe this time, as Id been conditioned to think that I was unlovable, stupid and not worthy of anything good. In fact, because my abusers made me feel so devalued, Id often feel thankful towards them for being with me. They made me feel as if they were lowering their high standards to be with me, and this created a cycle of me constantly chasing love. This was, as you may know, utterly pointless.

You cant make a narcissist love you.

When I met my most recent ex, he came across as quiet, introverted and hardworking. He had a dry, witty sense of humor that was reserved for only a few people close to him. Everyone else saw him as professional and polite, albeit slightly quiet. His seemingly calm personality and quiet, inappropriate humor drew me towards him, along with the intelligence he exuberated. Of course, at this time I didn't see him for what he truly was: a covert narcissist. And how could I? In the beginning he was charming, affectionate, full of adoration for me and seemed like the perfect partner.

The person Id been in a relationship before this couldnt have been more different; he was sadistic, blatantly cruel and would humiliate me with his antisocial, aggressive behavior. Meeting this new, quiet and introverted person seemed like a breath of fresh air at the time. I couldnt believe my luck. He managed to sweep me off my feet in no time at all.

However ideal and picture-perfect this seemed at the time, this is also how a covert narcissist initiates their relationships. It's usually very intense in the beginning, very quick and somewhat of a whirlwind. That's not to say that all romances that develop quickly are with narcissists, but it should serve as something of a red flag. For someone like me who likes to give the benefit of the doubt, and as someone who used to give my trust quite freely, I was a sitting duck for my ex-partner. I was completely drawn in by his facade.

Eventually, the mask does slip, and the covert narcissist reveals their true self. By this point you're so emotionally invested and enamored by this person, not to mention confused by their hurtful behavior, the relationship becomes an amalgamation of upset, uncertainty and constant pacification of the abuser.

The fairy tale happy-ever-after love story you were promised turns into something more sinister and covertly toxic than you could ever imagine possible. Soon, the lines between reality and fabrication become blurred, your sense of self becomes distorted, and you become a shell of your former self. You become engulfed in the narcissists black hole of cloak and dagger abuse.

In this book I'd like to help you understand what a covert narcissist is, how they exert their abuse, the effects this has on you and ways you can manage this. I'd also like to guide you on setting boundaries with the covert narcissist and utilizing techniques to make sure the interactions you have arent one sided or simply controlled by the narc. The final chapter of this book also includes advice on leaving a narcissist. Even if this isn't something you're looking to do, or if you can't comprehend that idea at the moment, I would still recommend reading it over. It could serve as some handy information for the future.

The main thing I want you to get out of this book is some inspiration. Even if that inspiration is simply not accepting certain behaviors from the narcissist or having more tools in your arsenal to communicate more effectively, I hope this book gives you some good takeaways to utilize.

What is a Covert Narcissist? The Six Giveaway Signs of a Covert Narcissist

N arcissistic behavior is usually associated with over the top, attention-seeking and manipulative traits. For most people, if they were to tell you what a narcissist was, theyd say they were a egotistical yet charming person who think the world revolves around them. Whilst this isnt incorrect, its a very black and white view of a narcissist and the behaviors they display. Theres more than one type of narcissist, and despite the word being very commonly used these days, not all narcissists conform to one specific behavioral pattern. Narcissism is a very complex form of abuse that doesnt have a one size fits all set of characteristics.

Covert narcissists are a type of narcissist who dont fit the stereotypical, over-the-top, look at me, the world revolves around me personality that is usually attached to a narcissist. In some ways, covert narcissism can be more difficult to spot due to the introverted character of the narcissist. Whilst its just as dangerous as its extroverted counterpart, the introverted, covert narcissist is a more hidden form of the abuse and therefore it can be trickier to pinpoint.

The main thing a covert narcissist has in common with an extroverted one is that they both use superiority (however subtle or blatant) to cover up their internal vulnerability. This, in turn, is also used to make their victim feel insecure or off balance about themselves or the situation. Whilst some narcissists may outright say, Im better than you, so play by my rules, a covert narcissist will instead strongly hint at it - they wont be direct about it, but youll still feel the same degradation as if theyd said it directly.

As Ive mentioned, there is no cut and paste set of traits for a narcissist, but Ive outlined the seven behaviors a covert narcissist can exhibit in this chapter. Whilst they may not display all seven, a covert narcissist will exhibit some of the following throughout the course of their relationship with you. You may find that the covert narcissist in your life displays several of these traits, or you may find that they only show these behaviors from time to time. Regardless, the ways of behaving outlined here should act as a warning, at the very least, and offer you the ability to spot when youre the victim of a narcissist.

Smugness

None are so empty as those who are full of themselves

Being quietly observant, judgmental and showing gestures of superiority are characteristics youll find in a covert narcissist. They tend to do this with an air of smugness, which can leave you feeling belittled, confused and often like youre simply not good enough.