Joseph Burgo - The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age

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ALSO BY JOSEPH BURGO

Nonfiction

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Copyright 2015 by Joseph Burgo

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the publication. It is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The reader should consult his or her medical, health or other competent professional before adopting any of the suggestions in this book or drawing inferences from it.

The author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.

First Touchstone hardcover edition September 2015

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Interior design by Jill Putorti

Jacket design by Jason Heuer

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Burgo, Joseph (Psychologist)

The narcissist you know / by Joseph Burgo.

pagescm

1.Narcissism.I.Title.

BF575.N35B872015

155.2'32dc23

2015003423

ISBN 978-1-4767-8568-4

ISBN 978-1-4767-8570-7 (ebook)

For Michael

I n recent years, overuse of the word narcissism has stripped away much of its weight and import. In todays selfie-obsessed, social-mediadriven culture, narcissism has become more or less synonymous with vanity.

Referring to someone as a narcissist has become the favorite lay diagnosis du jour of pundits and commentators who eagerly apply it to the latest celebrity engulfed in scandal or the politician caught in bad behavior. Most people use it as an insult or a put-down, a way to deflate others when they seem too self-important. We apply it to men and women across the social spectrum, from famous actors who misbehave in the public spotlight to friends who constantly post flattering photos of themselves on Instagram.

These days, it seems that almost everyone is narcissistic.

When a label applies to that many people, its meaning becomes diffuse and overgeneralized. Referring to someone as a narcissist has become clich, so common that we no longer think about what it actually means.

, well explore the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as defined by the American Psychiatric Association (a clinical diagnosis that applies to only 1 percent of the general population), but most of the book will focus on those people I refer to as Extreme Narcissists.

They make up an astounding 5 percent of the population.

They fall short of the diagnostic threshold for Narcissistic Personality Disorder but they also differ in important ways from run-of-the-mill narcissists who think a little too well of themselves.

Extreme Narcissists are not just vain and irritating... theyre dangerous.

This is not a book about diagnosis. I see little value in attaching diagnostic labels when doing so reduces complex individuality to a stereotype. It tells us nothing useful about why Extreme Narcissists act the way they do, or the psychic pain that lies behind their more destructive and often deliberately hurtful behavior.

In the pages ahead, youll learn to spot Extreme Narcissists among your friends, family, and co-workers, and youll come to understand what drives them. Along the way, youll also learn some useful ways of coping with the Extreme Narcissist you know. Once you recognize narcissistic behavior in others and how it affects your own psyche, youll be able to avoid inciting its most noxious expressions. You can develop effective ways of responding to the Extreme Narcissists in your life without wounding their fragile sense of self or reacting in ways that only provoke them further.

I hope youll also learn something about yourself in the processhow your defensive reactions make you an occasional narcissist. Youll learn how to recognize and restrain those narcissistic tendencies we all exhibit from time to time, especially the ones that disrupt our personal lives and cause trouble in our relationships.

Throughout this book, I discuss real-life examples of people who exemplify the traits of Extreme Narcissism, and some of them are well-known celebrities. Whenever I write about a famous athlete such as Lance Armstrong or a politician like Eliot Spitzer, using their life stories as a way to shed light on the psychology of narcissism, a disgruntled reader or two will usually ask how I presume to diagnose a person Ive never met.

I have a simple answer to this question: I dont presume to diagnose anyone , much less a stranger. Ive never seen much value in diagnostic labels.

On the other hand, although I would never presume to diagnose someone I havent met, I do know narcissism when I see it, even from a distance. Ive been treating, reading, and writing about narcissism throughout a lengthy career. During and after my personal analysis, I spent many years coming to terms with my own narcissism and what lies behind it. Thanks to clients who have entrusted themselves to my care, Ive had the opportunity to explore the myriad expressions of their narcissism, coming to understand the way it functions as a defense against pain, although that pain is often invisible.

Empathizing with my clients pain is at the core of the work I do and the only way I can fully understand what drives their narcissistic behavior. In the pages ahead, Ill describe many of those clients and what I learned from them. (Personal characteristics and the details of their lives have of course been changed to obscure their identities.) Though I havent actually met any of the public figures Ill be discussing, Ive tried to empathize with them all the same, finding a way into their pain by closely reading the work of excellent biographers such as Walter Isaacson and J. Randy Taraborrelli.