Martinez-Lewi - Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life

Freeing Yourself

from the

Narcissist

in Your Life

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

J EREMY P. T ARCHER /P ENGUIN

a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

New York

JEREMY P. TARCHER/PENGUIN

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephens Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd) Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi-110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Copyright 2008 by Linda Martinez-Lewi

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Martinez-Lewi, Linda.

Freeing yourself from the narcissist in your life / Linda Martinez-Lewi.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN: 978-1-101-21613-2

1. Narcissism. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. NarcissismCase studies.

4. CelebritiesPsychologyCase studies. I. Title.

BF575.N35M37 2008 2007036004

158.2dc22

Printed in the United States of America

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

BOOK DESIGN BY NICOLE LAROCHE

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Por Reymundo Saldaa Martinez

Siempre ests en mi corazn.

For Peter, my husband, source of perpetual love, intellectual clarity, and creativity

For David, my son, giver of compassion and loving-kindness

For my family of origin, who taught me the lessons of survival, perseverance, and

transformation, sprinkled with life-sustaining humor and musics enduring beauty

To the great spiritual masters who inspire us each day to open

our hearts and awaken our souls

I am profoundly grateful to Mitch Horowitz, executive editor at Tarcher/Penguin, who had a deep understanding of the meaning and spirit of the book from the beginning, and who brought his editorial brilliance to the project with irrepressible enthusiasm. A man of innumerable gifts and talents, Mitch generously guided me along the path with wisdom and an unparalleled respect for the author as an individual.

A very special thank-you to Gabrielle Moss, assistant editor, for her graceful intelligence, her invaluable assistance, and unwavering dedication to producing a worthy book.

Deep gratitude to Paul Lapolla, my agent, mentor, and friend, who guided the process and shaping of the book. Paul served up menus of insightful suggestions and incomparable professional expertise with exquisite tact and kindness and a divine sense of humor.

I am very grateful as well to copy editor Grace McVeigh for her superb, thoughtful work.

T oday we feel the powerful reach and dark hold of the high-level narcissist, that vaunted human creature who reconstructs the world to fulfill his omnipotent dreams and grandiose delusions. On lifes stage, they are CEOs, national leaders, politicians, movie and television stars, physicians, attorneys, media moguls, high-tech savants. Closer to home they are our spouses, lovers, mothers, fathers, siblings, children, in-laws, bosses, and friends.

In this book, I focus on the high-level narcissist. Standing at the center of his created universe, the narcissist, a master image maker, perpetuates an illusion of perfection and power. He exudes an intoxicating charm. Famous high-level narcissists are particularly intriguing. Dramatizing and vivifying this unique personality disorder are scenes from the lives of Pablo PicassoYo Rey, I, the King; Armand HammerRuthless Manipulator; Ayn RandSelf-Obsessed Virtuoso; and Frank Lloyd WrightMothers Perfect Creation.

The high-level narcissist marches through his many geographies, conquering new territories, multiplying his limitless control of the outside world and the lives of those who touch his. Excited followers anticipate his mood and moves, praying for a favorable word or glance. The chosen dwell within his cercle dor, chanting hosannas to his greatness. While his audience is dazzled, the supernarcissist assesses each subjects worth to him. He plays upon their proclivities and weaknesses. Despite the years you have known him, the hard work you have done, the love that you express, the sacrifices you have made, the intimacies you believe you sharedeventually the narcissist will cut you off at the knees, even attempt to destroy you if he perceives you as an obstacle to his feverish drive toward ultimate power, control, and omnipotence.

The narcissistic personality is a deeply ingrained, fixed personality structure that most likely will never change. Certainly, highlevel narcissists will not be offering themselves as candidates for therapy. They are preoccupied with climbing the power ladder, threatening competitors, enhancing their professional and personal image, and making lots of money.

The gift of the high-level narcissist is an engraved invitation for you to become more authentic, to stretch your psychological muscles, and to seek spiritual awareness. Beyond narcissism, removed from the fray of embattled egos, the noisy hum of greed, the cravings to always have more, to win at all costs, we find peace in a reality without delusion. Life absent insight is a gaudy picture show, a tiresome charade. Within this new reality, we are driven to seek the truth, to peel off the masks of false selves, and to embrace the creative loving force ever present at the center of our being.

PART ONE

The Great

Performer

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

G EORGE E LIOT , A DAM B EDE

We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.

S HELLEY W INTERS