Disarming the Narcissist

If there is a narcissist in your life, I highly recommend this book! How narcissists behave always makes sense once you understand their thinking. The way you habitually respond to narcissists always makes sense once you understand your own thinking. This valuable book offers great insight and concrete suggestions for changing your thinking and responses so you can interact with narcissists more effectively, whether youre a family member, intimate, friend, coworker, or therapist.

Judith Beck, PhD , president of the nonprofit Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and author of Cognitive Behavior Therapy

Disarming the Narcissist in its new edition continues to be a useful guide for anyone doing therapy with a narcissist, or even for those in a relationship with such a person. In this valuable book, we learn to understand the mental schema of a narcissist, and the appropriate interpersonal neurobiology that makes it possible to have hope that we can both understand and survive these very difficult relationships. The book is an essential guide for this widespread problem.

John M. Gottman, PhD , author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Wendy Behary is my go-to therapist when I need information about people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or how they interact with family members. In this new edition, Wendy shows you why you feel so lonely and misunderstood in these relationships, and why you keep your own needs tucked away. Whether you decide to stay in this relationship or leave, the insights Wendy Behary provides make this an essential book for anyone in a relationship with a narcissist.

Randi Kreger , coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells , and author of Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents

In its third edition, the deeply insightful Disarming the Narcissist is a classic with good reason: it offers survivors of narcissism helpful guidance and protection while never dehumanizing anyone. In that way, it continues to stand out in the now-crowded field of books addressing narcissism.

Craig Malkin, PhD , lecturer at Harvard Medical School, and author of Rethinking Narcissism

Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary provides a courageous challenge of taking on the narcissist. Using the approach of understanding the psychological makeup of the disorder, Behary accomplishes what seems like an impossible task. Strategies to help the reader understand and communicate better with a narcissist are here! Im honored to recommend this must-read book.

Karyl McBride, PhD , author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? , Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers , and Will I Ever Be Free of You?

In Disarming the Narcissist , Wendy Behary delivers clear and thoughtful navigational tools for dealing with a narcissistic person based on her years of working with individuals with this challenging personality disorder. In this third edition, Wendy also addresses the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist. She beautifully illustrates the power of empathic confrontationa tool for enhancing a sturdy core self, and cultivating a reliable and effective advocate for our children amid the inevitable power struggles.

Susan Stiffelman , author of Parenting Without Power Struggles , and cohostwith Wendy Beharyof the Co-Parenting with a Narcissist online community

The latest edition of Disarming the Narcissist provides up-to-date and practical guidance for not only understanding the problem of narcissism, but also a discerning road map for navigating the solution. This book will be a stabilizing and highly recommended resource for anyone who has ever stood in the confusing wake a narcissist leaves.

Jill Manning, PhD , licensed marriage and family therapist, researcher, and author of Whats the Big Deal about Pornography?

Praise for the second edition of Disarming the Narcissist :

Wendy Behary has dedicated decades to understanding narcissism, both as a clinician and a scholar. In Disarming the Narcissist , she distills these hard-won insights into a very readable form. This book is a terrific resource for those looking to better understand narcissism.

W. Keith Campbell, PhD , professor in the department of psychology at the University of Georgia, and coauthor of The Narcissism Epidemic

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS is a registered trademark of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Copyright 2021 by Wendy Behary

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Eighteen Early Maladaptive Schemas 2003 Jeffrey Young, PhD. Unauthorized reproduction without the written consent of the author is prohibited.

Cover design by Amy Shoup; Interior design by Michele Waters; Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Behary, Wendy T., author.

Title: Disarming the narcissist : surviving and thriving with the self-absorbed / Wendy Behary.

Description: 3rd edition. | Oakland : New Harbinger Publications, 2021. | Revised edition of the authors Disarming the narcissist, [2013] | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021011943 | ISBN 9781684037704 (trade paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: Narcissism. | Interpersonal relations.

Classification: LCC BF575.N35 B44 2021 | DDC 155.2/32--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021011943

This is dedicated to Poppy, a true knight in shining armor.
And to Momma, the artist of unconditional love.

Contents

Foreword

Over the years, one of the most common issues that my clients have brought into therapy is how to deal with the self-centered, egotistical behavior of narcissistic partners. These clients almost always feel frustrated, angry, demeaned, and helpless over the almost total lack of sensitivity and empathy their partners show for their needs and feelings. I myself often sit in sessions in disbelief as I hear story after story describing the degree of selfishness these clients have to put up with. So often my clients cant seem to find the strength to either leave or stand up to the narcissists they fell in love with years ago.

I am so excited that my close friend and colleague Wendy Behary has written this definitive book on dealing with narcissists to help the countless number of people who, like my clients, try to live or work with narcissists on a daily basis. While there are several other self-help books on this topic, Disarming the Narcissist addresses the issue with great sophistication, depth, and compassion, and offers highly effective strategies for change. Wendy has devoted years of clinical practice to the specialized treatment of narcissists and their partners, making her the perfect author to tackle this very difficult and resistant problem.

Wendy draws on two fields of science and therapy to help the reader better understand and deal with narcissism: schema therapy and interpersonal neurobiology. Schema therapy is an approach I and my colleagues have been developing over the past twenty years to help therapists, clients, and others better understand the deep emotional themes, or schemas, that begin when we are children and eventually lead most of us to engage in repetitive and self-destructive life patterns. I first presented these ideas for the general reader in Reinventing Your Life .