Meredith Resnick - Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved: a Little Primer on Narcissism and Self-Care

Copyright 2012 Meredith Resnick. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 9781623093358

How We Develop Empathy Copyright 2012 Ruth Wimsatt. Printed with permission.

All rights reserved.

Cover border, Die Bcher-Ornamentik Der Renaissance originally created by A.F.

Butsch, 1878, from www.fromoldbooks.org .

Cover design by Melanie McMinn http://frugalkiwi.co.nz/

No part of this book may be reproduced in any format without the authors written permission. Short quotes should contain appropriate attribution, including ebook title, author and website link http://youandn.com

Note to Readers

DisclaimerThe information provided in this book is designed to offer helpful information on the subjects discussed. This book is not meant to be used, nor should it be used, to diagnose or treat any medical, psychological, emotional, relational, or mental health condition. For diagnosis or treatment of any such issue mentioned above, consult a physician or therapist for appropriate treatment and referral. The author is not responsible for any specific health or mental health needs that may require intervention, consultation or supervision that is medical, psychological, legal or otherwise, and is not liable for any damages or negative consequences from any treatment, action, application or preparation, to any person reading or following the information in this book. This book is designed to provide information and support to the reader. It is sold with the understanding that the author is not engaging to render any type of psychological, medical, relationship, legal, or any other kind of professional advice, only to explain the characteristics that may manifest when dealing with certain individuals in certain relationships. References are provided for informational purposes only and do not constitute endorsement of any websites or other sources. Be aware that the websites listed in this ebook may change.

About Meredith Resnick

A writer and licensed clinical social worker, Meredith Resnick worked in direct healthcare for two decades. She brings right-brained creativity to coverage of health-related topics, especially mental health topics, and strives to create connections between human beings and their patterns of behavior, between the universal and the personal, and between the heart and the mind. For more visit http://meredithresnick.com .

Acknowledgements

Gratitude to Ruth Wimsatt, PhD, and Mary Zekaria, LCSW, for clinical perspective, insight, comprehensive review, and support for this project. Special thanks to Paula Norris, PhD. Thanks to Amy Wallen, Kim Hooper, Julie Ressegue, Barbara Bietz, Mary Bechtel, Melanie McMinn, Donna Miller, Alisa Bowman, and Jonathan Resnick, and my writing friends who thoughtfully weighed in whenever asked. Thank you to Lybi Ma, and Psychology Today, where my blog entry, When Your Parent Is a Narcissist led to the idea for this ebook.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Getting Started

You can easily judge a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

Malcolm Forbes

In Conversation With an n (Who Tells You)

by Meredith Resnick

Youre so great. No one is as amazing as you. Or as smart as you. No one is.

Or as funny.

Or unique.

Original. Clever. Dynamic.

Desirable.

Perfect. Sexy. Perfectly sexy. How did I get so lucky? Im just lucky, I guess.

At first you dont believe it; this person is too good to be true. But they keep telling you how great you are. And it feels good. You like it. They sound sincere. They win you over.

You open up. Then:

I never noticed how picky you are. So exact about everything. I heard someone say you were stingy. I tried to defend you but, well, they wouldnt listen. I did so try. It must be one of your little quirks. Everybody has a quirkI guess. I mean, with me, what you see is what you get.

Its really kind of annoying, though, how picky you can be, but Ill deal.

And youre so stubborn. Incredibly difficult. Selfish.

Unclassy. I didnt want to say anything; you asked.

And, by the way, you were rude to that nice new neighbor. Did you see her/him? She/hes amazing. Seriously. The last person I saw who looked like that was you, you know, when you were in better shape. Ive watched you put on weight. Dont fault me for telling the truth. It makes me ask why youre getting complacent. My life would be so great if I had someone who at least understood me.

Im kind of worried about you.

Dont you care about yourself anymoredont you care about us? I cant be with someone like you. You need to learn to show up, grow up, be more spiritual and giving, and more independent, generous, more vulnerable, more open, more reserved, sexy, daring, modest.

Stop pouting. Stop crying. Start acting like a man/woman.

And stop embarrassing me, the way you always cry in public. It doesnt reflect well. I think its your fault I didnt get the promotion. You were mentally dragging me down.

Youre so needy. Its a turnoff.

And youre sensitive. Too sensitive. Way too sensitive.

You know what? I knew this would happen. Youve never been able to have an adult conversation. I tried to be patient with you. This always happens to me. Ill never meet anyone. Can I tell you something? For someone as smart as you, you sure dont understand what I need. Do I need to spell it out for you? I thought so. Which is exactly why I cant stand the sight of you.

The next day:

Where are you going? You take me too seriously. I cant imagine living without you.

Theres no one as amazing as you.

How to Use This Book

Contact with a narcissist can be at once exhilarating and confusing, hurtful and seductive. It can make you feel like you are losing your mind, yet without an understanding of why you feel that way. Some narcissistic people, many in fact, seem quite normal, welcoming, even nice. But soon betrayal follows, and so does hurt.

This little book will help you recognize the many ways narcissism looks and how it seduces us. Understanding the disease of narcissism can also help the non-narcissist begin to heal. We can learn if we are susceptible to being manipulated by a narcissist and understand why we might be attracted to someone who has proven to be a narcissist. In addition, this book offers tiny but powerful suggestions to promote healing from the pain narcissism has inflicted. Finally, by writing this book, I wanted to send the most important message that you are not alone. Use this book as a silent companion. Sneak a glance when you need extra support as you work through your day, deal with emotions, and learn how to step back, and away, from the damaging effects of a narcissistic person.

An n by any Other Name

Here we will use the word narcissist interchangeably with the abbreviation n, referring to the person as an n, the n, my n, our n.

You Are Not Alone

The n can be anyone from a partner/spouse, parent, sibling, boss, or friend. We may know the person a long timea parent, sibling, relativeor it may be a new relationship that arises from friends, dating, work.

I have had the experience, as others have, of realizing someone was an n after (too many) episodes of verbal attacks and undermining (often in subtle, quiet ways) that left me hurt, devastated and fearful that this person would ostracize me from the social circles we shared. After too many tear-filled apologies, followed by doing what had been promised for me for someone else instead, getting blamed for it, then being told sorry, sorry, sorry, only to repeat this too many timesit came as an aha! moment in my own therapy. I was relieved, and sickened. I did not want to be seduced again. I was intent on learning what to look for, and I found some excellent works that truly helped.