Simon - How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

Man is free at the moment he wishes to be.

- Voltaire

The fact that youre reading this book means youre onto something. Maybe a particular event burst the bubble and a small gap opened up as a result. A gap in what, youre not sure, but you felt it. It happened when a significant person in your life went that little bit too far, and you finally said to yourself: This is not normal. Why am I tolerating this crap? You didnt really know what normal was, but you knew that the union which you have with this person is definitely not it.

Through this small gap which opened up, you may have begun to realise some or all of the following about your relationship:

- Its unbalanced: The other person seems to have the upper hand and the final say, and you have to struggle to get an equal footing with them. Their problems get top priority. When you try to express or assert yourself, the other person finds a way to subdue you and bring the focus back onto them.

- Its manipulative: Like being under a spell, the other person seems to have an uncanny ability to pull your strings and get their way with you. Often you dont want them to, but it just happens. When you try to influence them in any way, youre met with so many obstacles you give up.

- Its intrusive: They have a permanent place in your mind. There doesnt seem to be any psychological separation between you and them, and they enter your emotional space effortlessly. You find yourself craving some separation and psychological air, but end up feeling enormous guilt. Being a distinct individual in control of your destiny does not feel like an option with them in your life.

- Its rigid: You dont experience much growth from the relationship, and it doesnt go anywhere fast. It feels ritualistic, and you wish there were more to it.

- Its exhausting: You walk on eggshells around that person. Theres no particular reason. Simply being around them makes you anxious, like you don't quite stack up and you have to prove yourself to them.

- Its oppressive: Its taken for granted that the other person is superior to you. Spending time with them leaves you with a hopeless sense of inferiority.

- Its hollow: The relationship feels empty and sad, and you dont get much emotional nourishment from it.

- Its perplexing: You can never seem to find solid ground. Theres always a drama which must be addressed or something which the other person is unhappy about that you feel you need to fix. You crave peace and security, but it somehow always eludes you.

- It sucks you in: There seems to be an invisible force which sucks you toward the other person. Even when you disconnect for a while, all it takes is a simple question to draw you back in and distract you from your task. You feel powerless to resist this emotional force, which seems to take on a life of its own.

Then one thing leads to another, and you find yourself googling Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You read a few articles, and your jaw drops. After the initial shock wears off, you investigate further. You read the forums, and you realise that a countless number of people share your experience. You learn the lingo; gas-lighting, idealise, devalue, discard, triangulation, hoovering and baiting. You put the pieces together and begin to see that many of these tactics have been done to you at some stage. Its like your life story is being told to you. You begin to wonder: can this be true? Do people like this really exist? You read on. Finally, it hits you with full force. You realise that youre not crazy; what youve been experiencing all this time is definitely real. People like this do exist. Not only do they exist in the world, they exist in your world. You dont know whether to laugh or cry. You feel rage, sadness and despair, and a little bit of relief. You walk around with a sense of lightness, but also with a sense of having been stained somehow. Your entire reality has been turned on its head. You start questioning your core instincts. You realise that the relationship dynamics which you accepted and took as gospel are both unhealthy and grossly manipulative. You start to look at people differently. You monitor their behaviour, even that of the people you have known for years or a lifetime. The picture is not entirely clear. What is clear, however, is that you have a problem with narcissists and youre only just waking up to it.

What you might not have realised is that monitoring the behaviours of others, while important, is not enough. Staying on the surface will only serve to get you mixed up in drama after drama and will keep you guessing as to whats normal and whats narcissistic. The crucial thing to realise is that the tactics which you have been subjected to are just the tip of the problem; it goes much deeper. The core of the problem is often much harder to see.

Also, if you think its as simple as walking away, guess again: The way out is not an actual road which leads to a new life and exciting adventures. You might have already suspected this. It was not a coincidence that you found yourself in this position to begin with. You are still carrying the same beliefs, behaviours and paradigms. You can walk away from a partner, or distance yourself from certain family members, choose a new set of friends, or quit a job, but in time youll end up in the arms of another narcissist, or eventually back under the control of the same narcissist. To make lasting changes, you will need a strategy.

As the title points out, this book is a 101 on how to kill a narcissist. No, were not discussing actual murder! This is about understanding the core of the problem, not just the symptoms. Its about seeing the core of the problem in the narcissist, and the core of the problem in you. This is about becoming conscious of what makes you a target for narcissists. Its about shifting your paradigms so you can begin to separate yourself from the problem. Its also about obtaining new internal resources which narcissists dont want you to develop, mainly because these resources make you less susceptible to their control. Its about developing a new belief set. Its about educating yourself, and as a result, empowering yourself. Its about developing your own autonomous identity, free of shame and guilt; a fortress which nobody will be able to access without your explicit permission and unless they offer you the due respect. With time, your new resources and beliefs will allow you to hop over to the sunny, narcissism-free side of the street. So in a way, yes, we are going to kill some narcissists. More specifically, were going to starve them to death by taking away their narcissistic supply. And it all starts with you.