Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. This book is intended only as an informative guide for those wishing to know more about health issues. In no way is this book intended to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by your own physician. The ultimate decision concerning care should be made between you and your doctor. We strongly recommend you follow his or her advice. Information in this book is general and is offered with no guarantees on the part of the authors or Lifelong Books. The authors and publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the use of this book. The names and identifying details of people associated with events described in this book have been changed. Any similarity to actual persons is coincidental.
Copyright 2019 by Julie L. Hall
Cover design by Kerry Rubenstein
Cover photograph copyright ArtMari/Shutterstock
Cover copyright 2019 Hachette Book Group, Inc.
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First Edition: December 2019
Published by Lifelong Books, an imprint of Perseus Books, LLC, a subsidiary of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Lifelong Books name and logo is a trademark of the Hachette Book Group.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
ISBNs: 978-0-7382-8577-1 (trade paperback), 978-0-7382-8578-8 (ebook)
E3-20191017-JV-NF-ORI
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For my mother and father, who brought me into this life and shaped me, for better and worse. I thank you for the good, forgive you for the hurt, and hope for healing and peace for us all in this life and whatever comes next.
F OREMOST, DEEP GRATITUDE TO MY FAMILY, S ARAH AND L UCY, FOR steadfastly supporting me through my seemingly endless questions, ramblings, rants, and tears while writing the contents of this book. You listened and loved, and when you couldnt listen anymore you pretended.
A special thank-you to the survivors who entrusted me with their stories. You matter, and you always did.
Sharyn Wolf, you went above and beyond to help a girl you barely knew when she was down. You righteously walk the talk, and this red-haired primate bows before you in gratitude. To my agent and honorary godmother Joelle Delbourgo: Thank you for changing your mind. To my soul sister editor Rene Sedliar, with whom I finally get the last word: Youthe best. And thank you to the rest of the team at Da Capo Lifelong.
Many thanks to Elinor Greenberg, Margalis Fjelstad, Karyl McBride, Regina Collins, Fiona Steele, Julie Tenenberg, Sharone Weltfreid, Barbara Mills, and Melissa McRitchie.
To my sister warrior Aleta McClelland: Your heart will never be contained. To my sister warrior Colleen Byrum: You are a force of nature.
An affectionate thanks to my bro Don Huddleston.
Abiding gratitude to Lucia Vracin, healer and friend.
Thank you to Barrie Hillman, headmaster at West Sound Academy, whose generosity helped my family steady the ship in turbulent times.
And to my sisters Adrienne Fuson and Erica Fuson: You are my cherished consolation-prize phoenixes rising!
A JOURNALIST, SURVIVOR, AND NARCISSISTIC ABUSE TRAUMA CONSULTANT, Julie L. Hall has firsthand experience with the effects of narcissistic abuse, and she has done her homework to understand the patterns that appear in narcissist-dominated families.
Halls The Narcissist in Your Life describes, in depth, the effects that the narcissistic behavior of a family memberparent, spouse, or childcan have on everyone else in the family. It describes different types of narcissistic behavior and how each can lead to abuse of boundaries, twisting of facts, distortions in perceptions, attacks on self-identity, confused understanding of reality, and even long-term physical health problems.
Hall clearly illustrates the techniques that narcissists use to get what they want from others without taking responsibility for their behaviorsincluding isolation, destabilizing reality, thought control, gaslighting, and even terror. In addition, she covers the typical reactions that family members have to the narcissists manipulations, and the long-term effects that these patterns can have on their health, emotional well-being, and even life choices. There is a wealth of information here. The lists and examples of narcissistic behaviors and their impact on family members, outlines of family rules and roles, and personal interviews are especially helpful in bringing a deeper understanding of the depth and breadth of narcissistic exploitation and manipulation. And the strategies for family members are practical and compassionate.
As the author of Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist and an upcoming book on creating resiliency in children with a borderline or narcissist parent, I know how valuable this information is. Hall offers a very realistic look at NPD and how survivors need to stay aware and prepared for future infringements and manipulations from the narcissist. She will give you hope and insight into how to help yourself and your kids heal.
If youre someone who has grown up with a narcissistic or self-involved parent
If youre someone who has married a charismatic but domineering and demanding person
If youre someone who is struggling to figure out why your partner, who used to tell you that you were so special, now can find nothing about you that is pleasing or positive
If youre someone who wants desperately to understand how your loved one can be so mean, arrogant, berating, bullying, and selfish when you work so hard to be caring, thoughtful, and kind
Then this book is for you.
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT
Therapist, Educator, International Speaker
Author of Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
Fort Collins, Colorado
W ELCOME . A S SOMEONE WITH A NARCISSISTIC PARENT, PARTNER, OR other important person in your life, you followed a confusing and painful road to get here. It is not a club any of us wants to join, and yet there is hope and wisdom to be found. This book wont erase your pain or solve your problems. But if you are ready, it will help you understand what youve been through, clarify your feelings, and help you move forward with healing.