D.T Bloom - The Narcissistic Mother A--Z: Growing Up With a Narcissistic Mother

The Narcissistic Mother A - Z

Growing Up With a Narcissistic Mother

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I grew up with a narcissistic mother.

For decades of my life, I had to deal with her emotional, narcissistic abuse. I had to live with the fact that I was a disappointment to her, and wonder what Id done so wrong to make her dislike me so much. I would yearn for her love and would do anything in order for her to show me some kind of affection - just some recognition that she was proud of me would have been welcomed with open arms.

As a child and growing up, her narcissistic way of treating me affected me badly. I steadily became a shy, unconfident young child with no self-esteem. I was timid, uncertain and unable to develop into an emotionally healthy youngster because of the narcissism I endured growing up. As I developed into my teens, I was full of self-doubt and couldnt see a way to fix the codependent relationship I had with my mother.

From belittling me, mocking me and using guilt and manipulation tactics to ensure I behaved how she wanted me to, I was under my mother's narcissistic powers for years.

Growing up, it was difficult to understand and comprehend why my mother treated me the way she did. I felt isolated, confused, and most of the time I was just plain heartbroken. It was only when I reached my late twenties that I took a step back, I delved a little deeper into her behavior and began to realize that my mother was narcissistic. It upset me and filled me with relief at the same time, as I now had a label for my mother's behavior, but it also pained me that Id had to bear the brunt of her own fragile emotions whilst I grew up and beyond.

Now, as an adult, I can see my mother's behavior for what it was.

I havent, and I wont ever, excuse it, but I can see her abusive treatment towards from a new perspective. However, the pain and emotional scars of a narcissistic childhood are hard to recover from, but a great leap towards the direction of recovery means revisiting those tough memories of growing up and enduring the wrath of your narcissistic mother.

I wrote this book as not only a cathartic project for myself but also from the viewpoint of me talking to someone who has also been brought up by a narcissistic mother. I want to offer you guidance, understanding, knowledge and hopefully a little comfort - I know the feeling of deflation a narcissistic mother can cause, and Id like to help you think back to your childhood to help you heal the most suppressed and painful memories you have. Hopefully, you can see some parallel in my own experiences and emotions and know there are people out there you have experienced the same pain as you.

This book is for those who have suffered a narcissistic childhood and are looking to gain a deeper understanding of what they went through, as well as find some common ground from someone who's also been there, and knows how the child inside still hurts from the treatment they received from their mother.

The A - Z isnt an exhaustive list, and not all narcissistic mothers have each and every trait, but Im confident if you had a narcissistic mother, youll see a lot of relatable scenarios and understand how these traits affect a young child who has to encounter them. Ive mixed my own personal recollection of my childhood experiences with the things Ive learned about maternal narcissism over the years.

A is for... Anger.

F ew things in life are as scary as an angry mother

When things dont go the narcissistic mothers way, she gets angry.

It could be her child not performing as well as she wants them to at school or it could be because her child said the wrong thing in front of company. Often, even if the child isnt at all to blame for their mother's anger, shell still unleash her rage on them and blame them for how shes feeling.

For example, if shes had a bad day at work or shes upset about something her boss has said to her, her child will often have to bear the brunt of her anger for this. Another example may be that the narcissistic mother is arguing with her husband, but she pushes her anger towards the child or blames the child for the arguments happening in the first place.

A narcissistic mother loses her temper very easily, and blame and anger are always directed at her child or others. As a narcissist, she wont stop to take a look at the situation or think about her own behavior to perhaps consider that she may be the problem.

If you think back to your own childhood, you may remember having to tiptoe around your mother or avoid her at certain times in case you got in her line of fire. I recall always being very nervous around my mother when we had guests round. I always feared Id say the wrong thing or Id do something to embarrass her. If I did, she would shout and scream at me after the guests had left, and get angry about me making her look like an idiot in front of company. The way she would shout and the cutting, nasty things she would say to me would fill me full of fear and I would visibly shake when she was yelling at me.

I recall once I got slapped across the face for saying out loud that I didnt like my mother's new tablecloth when we had dinner guests. Innocently, I just mentioned that I thought the pattern looked like something from the olden days, and the guests around the table laughed. As soon as they left, my mother pulled me by my arm and slapped me so hard across my face it stung my cheek for the rest of the night. Because Id humiliated her, she exacted her revenge with her incensed anger.

I was also on edge when my father had been drinking. I would always get the blame for any arguments or fighting caused by his drinking. My mother would accuse me of getting in the way of her and my father's relationship, and accused me of being the reason he drank. Of course, as a child, you take everything your mother says as the gospel truth, no matter how ludicrous it may sound to you as an adult.

You can imagine my confusion and upset about the fact that I thought I was the reason my dad drank heavily. The confusion was difficult to deal with, as well as the frustration of not knowing how to rectify my behavior to make it stop, or how to make everyone happy enough to love me.

Children of narcissistic mothers can often feel hated by their mother due to the anger and blame that they have to endure. If you drift back to your own childhood and think of some memories that still haunt you now, the feeling you have in your gut is almost the same one you had as a child as you went through that experience. When I think back to some of the times my mother unleashed her anger onto me, I can regress back to the fearful child that had to endure it - feeling my stomach churn, my heart race faster and pangs of confusion and frustration at the unfairness of it, my cheeks burning with fear.

Of course, even emotionally healthy, nourishing mothers can get angry at their children; theres no such thing as a perfect parent. However, narcissistic mothers arent capable of expressing their anger in an appropriate way, unlike an emotionally healthy mother. In my case, my mother would explode, screaming, yelling and sometimes slapping me or hitting me. Some narcissistic mothers will go into a mood after their anger outburst, ignoring their child and refusing to acknowledge them for periods of time.