D.T Bloom - Dealing With A Narcissistic Mother: How to Handle Your Narcissistic Mother as an Adult

Dealing With a Narcissistic Mother: How to Handle Your Narcissistic Mother as an Adult

A s a child, I grew up with a controlling, manipulative narcissistic mother.

As a youngster, I envisioned that one day Id blossom into an adult who had control over her life. One day, I visualized, Id no longer be shouted at, lied to, humiliated or made to feel utterly worthless. Id daydream about the confident, driven and respected adult Id eventually flower into. The shackles that tied me to my narcissistic mother would one day be broken and Id eventually be free.

Adulthood came, but my fantasy of being free from my mothers abuse didnt. I was in my twenties and still being spoken to like I was a child who was a nuisance. I would be told who I should and shouldnt have in my life. My mother would berate my job and my career (or lack thereof, according to her.)

Shed make me feel ugly and like I was worthless unless I was well presented. Shed apologize for my appearance if we bumped into anyone she knew and I wasnt wearing makeup or an outfit she deemed suitable. I was in my late twenties and still being controlled by my puppeteer: my mother.

Id have to ask permission to make choices; which subsequently meant the choices I made werent my own. Even something as seemingly small as purchasing a new toaster for my flat had to be run by my mother. Shed relish in my unhappiness at my failing relationships, gleefully telling me she told me so about those who had wronged me. If she took a shine to the person I was dating - usually, my spouses who had better-paying jobs or higher social statuses - she would latch on to them and ensure she had them on her side. She would make sure that she and my significant other had secrets from me, utilizing the chosen ones to be her flying monkey.

Although I was no longer a child, I was still afraid of my mother. I feared her angry rants, her incensed yelling at me and the silent treatment I received when I disappointed her.

I would wince at the thought of letting her down, and through all of the emotional torment she put me though, Id still seek out her approval.

Even if pleasing her made me neglect my own wants and needs, Id still make sure I was ensuring she felt pacified. I would put my own desires to one side to make sure I got my mothers approval and praise.

It wasnt still supposed to be like this for me as an adult.

I was supposed to have blossomed from my shy, timid caterpillar to a confident, beautiful butterfly. Three decades later and nothing had changed; I was still feeling as worthless as ever. My mother demeaned and controlled me yet I didnt want to upset her by simply cutting ties and walking away for good. That would hurt me, I thought, much more than it would affect my mother. After all, I had tried on numerous occasions to simply cut her from my life, but never made it more than a few months before I resumed contact. Although she caused me so much pain, confusion and heartache throughout my life, I still loved my mother. I knew I had to change the dynamic of our relationship in order to make it healthy.

At this point, I searched the web for ways to get over this attachment to my mother and repair my broken view of the world. I knew the life I was living wasnt my own. I was living in fear, allowing my mother to vicariously live her goals through me. I searched for phrases like emotionally abusive mother, codependent mother and child and break free from a controlling mother. Eventually, after reading dozens and dozens of other heartbreaking stories of children with emotionally abusive mothers, I discovered one word kept getting repeated. It was there in every story, article and self-help blog.

Narcissistic.

I read up on the word. The more I read the more it resonated. The more I raced through article after article, book after book, I was consoled by what I was reading. The way Id been treated wasnt my fault. I wasnt to blame. And I was given a newfound hope; I neednt be the downtrodden, afraid adult child anymore. I was now a grown adult, and with that meant I had adult powers. I had the ability within me to control how other people treated me. In those instances where I couldnt control how people wanted to treat me, there were ways I could maintain power over the situation and more importantly, my emotions.

I felt relief, sadness and a newfound sense of freedom when I engulfed myself in my narcissistic mother research. When I jumped headfirst into my mission to find closure, heal from my mother's treatment of me and attempt to repair our relationship, I began the rollercoaster journey towards healing. Ill go through the mindful shifts and behavioral changes I made in order to deal with my mother, and I hope you have some great takeaways from this book that help you deal with your own narcissistic mother.

Grieving the Loss of the Mother You Never Had

W hen aiming to overcome the feelings of frustration, upset and heartache that a narcissistic mother causes, possibly on a regular basis, its important to take a step back and evaluate your emotions. The first thing I recommend any adult child of a narcissistic mother does is to grieve the loss of the mother they never had. This isnt as hard or as mindless as it sounds; in fact, its a highly important step towards closure.

For years and years, I felt cheated. I felt robbed of something almost everyone else had. I was drowning with feelings of unfairness and angry that I wasnt able to have the stable, nurturing, loving upbringing that so many of my peers did. The bitterness that festered within me made me overflow with negative emotions. In order to overcome those, I had to do something about them. I had to mourn the love I never received in order to move on, heal, and ultimately deal with my mother as an adult.

I approached my grief from the perspective that I was mourning the loss of something I never had and never will have. The fact that my mother was still alive when I did this aided me a little when I was searching for closure. For a lot of adult children of narcissistic mothers, their mother is no longer alive when they begin this process. This can often lead to them not getting the closure they need. Often, when the narcissistic mother is no longer around, the adult child will think maybe if Id just done this better, or if Id handled that differently, I would have received the love I craved. This leaves the adult child forever feeling unworthy, full of self-doubt and still questioning what they could have done to make their mother love them.

Even with my mother still around when I faced the reality that I needed to grieve, I still had the same internal conflicts as if she wasnt around. The idea of still wanting my mother's love, support and acceptance was battling with the knowledge that she affected me so badly throughout my life, with her emotional torment and withholding of love. It was a case of my heart versus my head, logic versus the idea of love.